Brilliance Comes from the Heart
Words. Visions. Images. Dreams. Truth. Eman Rimawi is back! And for more writing, poetry, stories, photography, thoughts, life and everything else visit www.emanrimawi.com for more
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Love Eman Rimawi to me 0 minutes agoDetails I think about the curves In your face The way your cheeks And chin Meet Every line And bump And wrinkle Beautiful To me You I Enjoy Watching You Sleep Observing you While you rest Deep in sleep Your Beautiful Eyes Closed, to the world I find myself Deep in thought While I Watch You are ever present In my mind Like the phantom pains Of lost limbs You are a constant I can't shake you From my mind From my dreams I think about the curves While you are under me The look on your face When I move my hips Into yours I dance With you While we make love You Deep inside Of Me And I Welcome it As I whisper Your name and Moan You You are stuck In my mind Stuck A constant Ever present Reminder That I Am Falling Deeply In love With You.
Open letter to Access A Ride
Dear #AAR #AccessARide #NYCMTA, You suck. Let me explain. You hire people, who could literally give zero craps about differently-abled folks, then charge them for this service. All the while, not doing anything about accessibility on trains and buses. Access a Ride is supposed to make it easier for differently-abled and elderly folks to get around the city. Instead, the majority of your drivers are rude, unhelpful, nasty and/or refuse to take no for an answer with sexual advances. How is this workable? Oh, right. The guys at the top, #VeroniqueHakim, #ThomasPrendergast, #DonnaEvans, who I'm assuming also run AAR, need to do a better job. Do you think I asked to lose my legs? To have to use a wheelchair right now? It's bad enough that a good portion of the city isn't accessible to me. You just add fuel to the fire by making your service, WHICH I PAY FOR, a complete and utter waste of time and money. I've lived in NYC my entire life. Born and raised. It's bad enough I, a native NYer, have to already fight gentrification. Now I fight to simply getting the minimum from your drivers. Your greed, lack of community and selfishness towards the people of NY, disgusts me. I'm not only sharing this for myself, but for the hundreds of people that I know personally who have continually struggled with this service. I'm putting this everywhere, with the hope to hold you all accountable. You all have a great deal to learn about running a business and a service that best supports a community. Start by looking inward. Make some changes to yourself. It's not just about you. That's not how community works.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Word of the day poem: Brevity
Brevity In few words I can Create entire worlds Shaping universes Across galaxies But When I think about how you make me feel And the fear That feeling real love Gives me I don't know what to think My heart Erupts in dance I freeze up Questioning everything that you are Because trust, Like love, Has made it hard for me To believe This is really happening To me But I'll be brave I'll be a soldier Until the end And not let my yesterday's Effect my present moment Of pure elation This is what It feels like to fall
Thursday, March 31, 2016
There is no real suffering
I wrote this last year and found it again. There is no real suffering Before I actually experienced multiple miracles, I never thought they existed. But now, more than ever, I recognize that I am a walking miracle. And as my 32nd birthday approaches, all I can think about is how blessed I am. And how I have so much love and happiness in my life. But it wasn't always easy. My journey with my health issues began early. My health started to decline when I was 15, after my father died. For a long time, I thought it was my fault and didn't realize until later it wasn't. At 17, I had 2 heart attacks and was dying. After withering away for months, we finally found out I had lupus. An autoimmune disorder, where my immune system attacks my body. Especially when extreme emotional stress happens. I was good at bottling things up and doing what needed doing. But it still caused damage internally. In a short amount of time, I went from a sickly 105 pounds to 190, because of the steroids for my lupus. Fortunately for me, the steroids also saved my life. At 19, I found out that I had a necrosis (bones grinding on bones) in my right hip and eventually I'll need a hip replacement. At 21, my heart kept causing problems and I was in and out of the hospital every few months. I was pushing myself too hard between school, work, living on my own, trying to be social, and all the promises I made to people. I had issues saying no. I was always trying to please people. But I couldn't keep my integrity at all. At 21, I also found out about my blood clotting disorder (Catastrophic Antiphosphilipid Syndrome, or CAPS) because my spleen exploded. Both that, and my hip, were extremely painful. I took the meds, thinking I'd be okay, but it wasn't working because of all of my personal crap going on. At 23, my brother had a motorcycle accident and because I was so stressed at the time, I didn't take care of myself and had several mini-strokes. I also got gallstones, pancreatitis, and my heart kept trying to attack me. 24 into 25 was the only year I wasn't in the hospital. But a few months after I turned 25, my body revolted against me. I slowly lost feeling in my feet, which moved up my legs. And my body pain increased and became more intense. By the summer, I ended up back in the hospital. Within a week, I had another heart attack, a massive stroke, and my body began to shut down. Over the course of a day, I discovered I couldn't get up, and later that day, paralysis spread up my body. I became paralyzed from the neck down and could only lift my head. I couldn't move myself for almost 7 months and it took over a year to relearn how to walk. When I could walk again, I wore leg braces. After all the chemo, dialysis and lupus treatments, physical therapy was what I needed. For the next 4 years, I let stress, being inauthentic, having a lack of integrity, making promises I couldn't keep, and neglecting myself for others, become my world yet again. When I was 29, I let stress rule everything and that summer, old clots got aggravated in my feet. Up until then, I thought I knew what pain was, but I had just hit the tip of the pain I'd feel during that time. After 11 surgeries over 8 months, and 3 amputations (right leg, right knee and left leg), I ignored my feelings and didn't deal with my depression about what was happening to me. I hadn't been depressed like that since I was 21 and was suicidal for 3 months. That August, I reach out to a good friend and let her know that I wasn't doing very well emotionally and that I needed her to make sure I didn't do anything to myself. It was hard for me to do that, but I knew that if I didn't say anything, I'd get lost in the darkness of my mind. I couldn't imagine my life in the future. I just wanted to walk and live. I couldn't even see the next day, let alone years down the road. I took no responsibility for the things happening in my life, with my health. Or the things I was doing and feeling effecting me. I didn't want my lupus or clotting disorder. I fought them so hard. I'm not fighting it anymore. I feel liberated and powerful, like I can achieve anything. My entire life has shown me that miracles do exist. I wasn't raised religious and never took stock in actual miracles, but statistically, I shouldn't still be alive. And yet, I am. Every single thing I experienced, and up to this point, showed me that there is no real suffering. That I had the power all along to not suffer at all. That my stress and my health didn't have to deteriorate the way it did. And having the knowledge of that makes me feel even more capable to deal with anything that comes my way.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Contemplating life, the power of NO, and doing what makes ME happy
I've been deep in thought for weeks now. But especially the last two days. I think about the direction my life has taken. All the good and bad choices I've made. Because, in the end, that's what it's about. Every action has a reaction, whether you want it to or not. It's all about what we're allowed to do and what we choose to do. I had a brief conversation with a friend yesterday about this. Or some of this: whatever we allow people to do in our lives is what they'll do. Period. So if someone wants to be controlling, manipulative, overbearing, etc, they will. And just as they're allowed to be that, you're allowing them to do those things. Now, I get that other things come into play. Some things are out of your control. I get that. But you should still ask yourself some of these questions. Who are they to you? What powers do they hold over you? How would they react if you told them how you feel? Can it even be fixed? Are they truly worth whatever pain they cause you? I think about this all the time. Because it's important to think about. I don't want to be that way to anyone. Use them. Be a bitch. Not earn my keep. Take up too much space. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't ever want to be a burden. Except I keep falling into that. In my mind, anyway. Because that's my truth. No matter what was going on in the last 15 years, I've felt like a burden. Whether I had a job, paid for others, lived alone, ran programs, etc. I think about all the sacrifices I've made for the people I care about. If I'm in your corner, I'm in it 110%. I'll break my own back to support you and help you stand on your own. If you cross me, I'll cut you off completely, but before I do that, I'll try try until I'm literally disgusted with you. And then cut you off. And people have taken full advantage of me because of that. I use to give a million chances. A million too many. And the sad, ironic part, is that I'd be aware of my being used after the second or third time. And still stuck around. But now that I'm nearly 32, I've gained some actual wisdom. I truly learned the power of NO. No, nope, not gonna happen, never, not even later. I've said no more in the past several months than I have in my entire life. And yet, it still hasn't been enough. Because I still say yes sometimes. AND get shit when I do say no. Folks aren't use to my no's. Not yet anyway. And even saying it feels odd because I do want to help. I just don't want to be used. How do you trust anyone when that's in your mind? After all, everyone wants something. And someone people are willing to use anyone they can to get it. Maybe I've just been watching too much of the news. Lately I feel like humanity is epically failing. Everywhere. And yes, I know it's not all bad news and bad things and bad people. I know. I get that part. It just feels like the bad outweighs the good exponentially. Lying, killing, war, political corruption, stealing, abuse, etc. Every single day. As I listen to the wind howl outside my living room window, I think back on the things that make me happy. The good things in my life. People that truly care about me. My ability to just be. All the talents. My passions. The little things that make me smile. All I want to do is make people happy and be happy myself. And in my current situation, that's lacking. I'm happy. But I'm not HAPPY. There's a difference. I felt very useful last year. And now, I feel useless. Which I'm not feeling at all. And I'm doing everything I can at the moment, but it doesn't feel like enough. Still. Yes, still. But I'm getting there. At least I think I am. I'm making some big changes in my life, in order to make myself and others happy. That's what life is all about, right? Some people want power or money or fame. I just want to be happy and help folks do the same. Ok. Enough emo-ing. See ya later folks :)
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Dealing with doubt
I wanted to write something today. I wrote a couple poems the other day but got too caught up in the feels to continue. As I've been working on the website for Amped Up, in between, I reflect and think. I'm not completely focusing on the self doubt I spoke about Friday but it's still on my mind. Just a little. More so, it's about performing all the tasks I need to, regardless of my desire to do it. I have all of these plans for the future and I'm determined to make things happen. But that's going to take work. And the work itself isn't the issue, or where the fear comes from. It's more like, will I be able to balance all these things I'm doing and have it turn out alright. And I know that I can get support, so that I'm not the only one in charge. I've already delegated things. But I still have to see over it. And then do the things I, myself, need to do. I guess I still don't see myself as a boss. Shit, I've never really wanted to be one. Artist, teacher, writer, yes. Boss, not so much. But I embrace it, you know. It just gets hard. Because I'm operating from a different frame of mind from the usual boss mind. Then again, maybe I'm just making excuses for myself because I'm scared of actually being successful. It's a crazy notion to think, yes, I want success, but I'm scared to be successful. But also feel like what you're doing isn't even enough anyway. It's like, for real? But yes, for real. What's crazier is that I've had the same conversation with several people the last couple weeks and they had the same thing on their minds: I'm not reaching enough people and I'm not good enough to reach more, so what's the point? What IS the point? I came to the conclusion, after one of those conversations, that even if it's just one person we reach, it counts. Because to that one person, we count way more than we realize. We count. Period. And it's easy to forget that. Working on various things like websites or t-shirt designs or even planning the fashion shows, takes up so much time. As does all this mentoring, speaking gigs, videos, writing, and whatever appointments or downtime or the gym. Everything takes time and is equally important. Period. I just need to truly believe that. That's the actual hard part. Which is also comical. The grass will always seem greener on the other side. Fame and fortune. Woowho! But it's not. Helping folks isn't what it use to be. It's easier if you aren't running something. It's much easier if you just dip in as a volunteer or part time. Eh well. I can speculate and think it to death. Or do what another friend suggested: sometimes you have to just be a machine and work. Don't get caught up in your emotions. Don't let life stop you. If there are things that have to get done, just do it, and don't let your thoughts stop you. Period. So simple, yet so hard. Life. Such a balancing act. How one decides to live and be happy. The choices you make in whatever is going on in your life. Go left. Go right. Say yes. Say no. Stay home. Go out. Every action has a reaction. I read an article last night about how particles are connected if they are biologically connected, and whatever happens to one, will happen to the other. Just as we feel things like love, we can also feel that pain or loss or whatever it is that we are dealing with, in terms of those particles. So Eman in one universe has the potential to be effected by what happens to the other. Deep, huh? Don't get me started on the psychic connections we have with each other, other than the biological. Because that's real too. In any event, I can speculate and discuss these points for hours. Will it help me get work done? Not really. But it did get me into a better frame of mind.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Eman Rimawi and the future of Amped Up
I wanted to post something today. I tried to do a video this morning but my coffee was broken and I felt like I wasn't in my head at all. So, I'm still communicating. But on here. And since I have a little bit of time on my hands, I'll be writing more of these. Especially since they're being requested. I'm going to do weekly showcases of #AmazingAmputees all over the country and probably the world. I share a few every day on Facebook but I'm going to go in-depth with it. Maybe even interview some folks. Also, after a very long conversation with someone, I'm going to look at other ways #AmpedUp can help folks. Clothes aren't the only thing I think about when wanting to improve the quality of life of amputees and differently tabled folks. I want to help with overall quality of life. I know there are ways we can help each other even more. Whether it's connecting to meet up, social events, creative outlets, or even connecting with other orgs in their states. I know the support groups on Facebook take care of a bit of that. But I want to bring everything to the differently abled community. After all, you guys know I'm all about community. And helping people to achieve whatever it is they want to do with their lives. So stay tuned for all that awesomeness.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Real Love aka Dealing with a broken heart
I briefly talked about relationships in the past, considering I brought up kids. Recently, I was sort of seeing someone and it's over. But it got me thinking about what I do (and don't) want. It really got me thinking about the kind of relationship I truly want. Whatever Partner I'm looking for. Which is not to say that I can't have something with someone who isn't going to be my actual partner later on, but sometimes I feel like I put all my eggs in one basket expecting one thing forgetting something entirely different. I wonder about having kids. And if I will truly find a mate that I can actually relate to on all levels. And I wonder if as I get older, I'll just either settle for someone or just have my kids on my own. Which I don't want to do. But sometimes we are forced to do things that we may not particularly want to do. I thought about my past relationships. And the things I did and didn't do with my exes. In the past, I wasn't really a good listener. I didn't really truly hear that. And I would put myself out there and and up getting hurt, because I expected for them to do for me what I did for other people. Which isn't a good way to live. It's a way to screw things up. And since I've been doing landmark, I've learned that active listening and truly being there for somebody, is basically removing yourself from the equation. In the past, I never really did that. I did what I was talked to do, which is to listen half assed, and insert myself into whatever they were talking about. I also hide myself up as if I was a good partner when I wasn't really being one. I had such high expectations. I think on some level, I still do. But is sort of feels different now like my high expectations aren't high for them, as much as they are high for myself. Which is sort of in line with how I was before. Which is frustrating. I think sometimes I'll end up alone. Or worse, settle for someone that I didn't really truly love and fake it. Which I also don't want to do. Which would leave me alone. I don't know. On one hand, I'm upset about how the situation went down because I don't think I did anything wrong or insufficient at all. But I'm also not seeing things from his perspective and from his point of view and I can only speculate that he either met someone new or lost interest or both which is okay. I have no animosity towards him at all. I just want for him to be happy. As with all of my exes. It just gets lonely sometimes. And considering that most of my friends are married or have kids or both or at least have a partner, it's hard to be the favorite auntie all the time when you want to be the favorite mother a partner to somebody. Have a days to think about this. Days to let it sit and fester inside of me, hoping that it didn't grow into hatred or anger. And I haven't had any real true hate a really long time. Thank God. I just feel slighted. I feel like I wasn't given a sufficient chance. And I feel like I was let loose before anything actually long-lasting could happen. Which I think is more heartbreaking than anything else. Anyway, I'm just going to move forward to let go. Because if I don't I'm going to feel bitter and angry. And I don't want to go there. I don't want to go there at all. I'm just gonna let it go and keep it moving. Maybe he'll see the folly in his ways. Maybe I'll see me to mistake. I don't know. But what I do know, is that I went through enough heartbreak and pain over the last however many years and I'm not going to do that again. I just wonder, how easy it's going to be for me to actually follow up with somebody. I put myself out there, trusted him, and still got burnt. But maybe, that's why I heard that thing on the talking dead a few weeks ago about being in a relationship , having it not work out, and not giving up on finding new love. So even though, I feel as though I'm never going to fall in love again, I know that that's not forever. And I also know that I shouldn't be opposed to giving people a chance, even if it takes me a while to trust. I have to understand that not everybody is even ready for a real relationship. And that's what I think happened. I think that he was afraid to actually have something real go on, and we treated. Or maybe he found something better. I don't know either way doesn't matter now. I'm moving forward and that's that. Who knows, maybe we'll be friends later. Right now I need my space , and to move forward. Still sucks though.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Revolution-- Or the real change this country needs
I saw the Edward Snowden documentary, Citizenfour, last night. I didn't even realize it was watchable out of the theaters, but after it won the award last week, it got out and about. Now, most of the things he talked about, I was aware of. 1, because I watch and listen to the news constantly and 2, I've been following his case since he first came out. I was just amazed at how far it went. How far the gov't was willing to go to do the things they were doing. And not only was I amazed at the lengths this gov't will go to suppress us, but it also reminded me how politically active I use to be. And how, in between all my health stuff and life stuff, I lost a lot of it. I'm still "active" online. Like signing petitions (which I believe is useless) and on facebook (which is also a bit useless, but I do it anyway), simply because I know if I went to every protest, like I use to, one of these days I might get hurt. And getting hurt now is different than it use to be. It also took me back to my childhood. When I was a little girl, my dad (who was Palestinian) would watch the news and always cried when he saw what was going on in Palestine. And he would tell me, all the time, if you see something wrong, you fix it. You don't leave it wrong. I know he didn't mean as a political activist, but hearing his words, I applied it to every aspect of my life. I mean, yes, I've made mistakes. I've taken the wrong road. There have even been times when something was wrong and I didn't fix it. Luckily, over time, I began to do more of what he wanted of me. And I'm sure (I hope) he's watching me from heaven, happy at what I've accomplished and where I'm going in this life. And it reminds me of all the political stuff I've done. Nothing illegal. Nothing wrong. Nothing crazy. Just standing up for people's rights. The last protest, like many of them, I was the chant leader. It was when I worked at FUREE, running a youth program in downtown Brooklyn. That was in 2008. And every protest gave me a rush. It made me want to really, truly change things. But nothing ever changed. Because we were simply trying to reform rather than revolt. Reform doesn't work. I thought in the beginning that it could. I thought it was possible. But the more I saw it not changing, the more I realized it wasn't ever going to. It wasn't until I saw Occupy Wall Street folks (cue the NSA watchers watching-- I know you are) and constantly watched everything going on that I thought something would change. But the people "leading" it didn't know Community Organizing 101: Clear asks and goals. There were none and some of them got into violent altercations in some states. My friends suggested that I don't go because it may not be safe. Then the Arab Spring happened. In recent years, other than protests in Greece and South America, that was the first time I saw real true revolt in an organized way. First in Tunisia, then Egypt. Even more so than Palestine. I thought that their protests would bring real change. They did change leaders and their gov't structure but unemployment and poverty are still super strong and hasn't let up at all. Can we honestly have a real true revolution? I don't know. I'm hoping eventually. And I'm hoping too many people won't die. I'm all for peace. And non-violent tactics. Unfortunately, we are dealing with people who don't want to avoid the violence. I guess only time will tell. Or the aliens will. ;)
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Dealing with stress
The last 2 days have been extremely stressful. And I think it hit me harder this time because 1, I haven't been letting things in life stress me out as much since September and 2, I haven't had too many stressful things happening consistently. I've had a stroke of luck, more of less, and got use to it. Then Medicare and Medicaid wanted me to really get "hood" on them. I didn't curse anyone out, but I did tell them, quite eloquently, to fuck off and stop screwing with my insurance. AND to get their shit in gear. Luckily, I didn't have a second cup of coffee because I had a feeling that if I did, I'd pay them a visit and they wouldn't like that. Today I had an interesting talk with my roommate about it. It's as if they hire these asshats on purpose. People who not only don't know how to do their jobs, but that don't even like to do their jobs. How do they even find these people? The same with the people who work at Access A Ride. Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of nice people at AAR and in those gov't jobs, but most of the people I've had to deal with have been nothing but difficult. I've said this a million times and I'll say it again, IF I DIDN'T NEED THE HELP, I WOULDN'T FUCKING ASK FOR IT. Period. My family had to beg me to actually apply for any of this stuff. Because I wanted to work. I wanted to be useful in my community. I wanted to help people. I had to be on my death bed and paralyzed from the neck down to actually do it. Because I had zero choices in the matter. And I still want to do all those things. It's not like anyone who sees me doesn't see that I need the help. At least for now, and as long as I'm learning how to get mobile again. I don't think they understand that sometimes. That some people aren't actually trying to milk the system. So I've learned to be more mindful with my stress. Every time I've gotten sick, it's been when I've been extremely stressed out. I let it dictate my life. Today was a reminder that I need to be vigilant about it. I can't get sucked back into that. So tonight I'll meditate and reflect on it. I'm sure the MJ won't hurt either. ;)
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Being intimate, while being disabled (or being WITH someone disabled)
OK folks. So because I had a stressful morning, I figured I'd keep it light and talk about something fun today: Sex! Or rather, being intimate, because you can be intimate, without having sex, and still have fun. Now, by no means am I an expert on sex, being intimate or doing it while being disabled, BUT I can share my experiences and hopefully it'll help you on your journey to physical intimacy. As I said on my video, I've been intimate since I lost my legs (on a side note, unrelated of course, every time I say "lost" my legs, I feel like its a funny way to describe what happened, but I suppose it's better than say "since I got my legs hacked off....", but I DIGRESS), I've been intimate twice. And although it was more laughing than sexing it up (because of how to move around and get it to work) I still got it to work. Now that I think back on it, it was even more fun with the laughter, even if that wasn't the initial intention in the first place. Before I "lost" my legs, I still had to deal with my mobility because of my leg braces. And while I still had my legs, even though they were useless, I made it work. Not like I got much then either. But a little was better than nothing. Now, even though I have gotten some, I know there's still more to go. Especially because I doubt I'll have my kids through immaculate conception. And it doesn't have to be boring either. It can be fun. Intimacy is about getting close to someone, sharing your bodies, sharing your passion, but it doesn't have to be so serious all the time. AND I think if you can laugh at yourself, while attempting to do it, you might as well have a good time with it. Sex isn't only about making babies. Otherwise, it wouldn't feel so good when you're doing it. (FYI: I'm laughing while writing all this because, even though I'm a sexual creature, actually talking about it in public makes me giggle.) For my disabled folks: Whether you are an amputee, have physical issues, pain etc, don't be afraid to try different things. You never know what positions will work for you. Even without my knee, I can balance on the one. AND you don't have to just lay on your back and take it. Try anything once. You never know what will work. For my amps: maybe even keeping your legs on to make it easier, if that makes it easier, would work. I haven't yet, but I'm sure eventually I will. Lately, I've wondered how sex on a shower chair would be. I've been in the shower, years ago, but not recently. Shower chairs aren't really built for 2, unless you're on their lap. Or someone is standing. If it's 2 amps, that might be dangerous. Unless you have a shower leg. Just remember, water is a blessing and a curse. For able bodied folks: if we like you enough to get naked with you, and we are actually willing to get all sexified with you, be opened to trying different things with us. We are just as sexual as you are. And considering we may not do it all the time, we are probably wound up like a rubber band being pulled and pulled. Eventually we will pop. :) In a good way, of course. If you are strong and can lift someone, u against a wall or even on top holding them up...always a plus. Just remember to have fun. Like I've said, sex isn't only about making babies. It's about enjoying each others bodies. Sex, doing it, fucking, screwing, making love. Whatever you want to call it. And don't worry, this isn't the last you'll hear from me about the topic. Promise! Oh and I do write erotica from time to time, in case you want some ideas. Juuuust saying.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Raising kids and being disabled part 1
I'm going to talk about this in a video later. Or at least a little bit. I wanted to write anyway and it took me 4 hours to get my Google all connected and change the name. I cant remember why I made different accounts. Anyway, kids. A topic I have thought about a lot over the years. On one hand, I'm glad my past pregnancy scares were just that. On the other, I've wanted to be a mom for so long. I've been an aunty to plenty of people's kids, including my actual nieces. People have told me I'll be a great mom when it finally happens and I know I will. And everything doesn't necessarily have to be perfect, but I want to at least have my shit together. I'm 30, going on 31 and my life has been a roller coaster. And I have a lot of great memories from my youth, but there were also horrible and terrifying things that happened to me and around me. I don't want my kids to go through even 1% of what I went through. But I know they'll go through something. That's life. Nothings perfect. I just want to give them everything, including things I didn't have. Sometimes I wonder if it'll happen at all. I know it will eventually. I have time. And now that my clotting disorder is gone, it'll be much easier to be pregnant. I also wonder sometimes if I should bother with a partner or just have my kids myself. One of the reasons I think that (I think) is because my parents got divorced (also something I never want to do, hence my issues with marriage) and my mom had to do a lot herself when my dad wasn't around. We would go to his house on the weekends, which I hated because he had a POS house but he did love us and did his best too. We were at her house during the week and between my 2 siblings and 2 cousins, my mom had a lot to do. I did my best as eldest to help. Then I got sick after my dad passed away. And my mom continued to do her best. And I'll love her forever for it, even though we've had our issues over the years. I know raising a kid alone is hard, for anyone. And considering I want more than one, I should probably figure out a whole partner thing first. All of the emotional stuff aside, I always thought (since my health wasn't so great), that it wouldn't be right or fair to have kids. According to the doctors, I won't live long. But, also according to them, I should've been dead 14 years ago. But I'm a miracle. And miracles don't subscribe to Western medicine and their foolishness. The more I think about it, though, the more I recognize that that's a stupid reason not to have them. JUST like not having a partner because I don't want to hurt them either. Or not having friends. Or never leaving the house. These are ridiculous reasons not to live life. And more than that, those are ridiculous reasons not to live a life I love. So, future partner, if you're out there, here I am. Ready, willing and able. Although, I already have someone in mind.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Dealing with devotees
I've been "disabled" for years. Had my leg braces for 5 years as well. It wasn't until I became an amputee that I discovered devotees. Or, rather, they discovered me. At first, the attention was nice. Until I realized why. Asking for pictures of my legs, with and without my prosthetics and getting turned on just by looking at them. I know some people aren't freaked out by that. But I am. And I don't apologize for it. So before I lost my legs, you didn't want me but now you do??? What the fuck is that? I'm not a fetish. Or weird play thing or doll. If you want that, go find it. Plenty of fish in the sea. And dolls you can make. If I never find someone who likes me for me, that I like too, then I'd rather be alone. I have a brain, beauty, spunk, ideas, charm, a big smart mouth, etc. Zero has anything to do with my legs. So keep away if you're a devotee. I am so not interested. Thanks. :)
Saturday, February 7, 2015
What does real justice look like?
Listening to NPR today and at first, the show this afternoon was about falling and all the ways we (and animals) fall. Then they started talking about police brutality. And one story about this guy in Milwaukee disturbed me. A cop stopped him several times and each time, sexually assaulted him. Literally with his hands on his balls, in his pants, while his hands were up. Although I'm black, I'll never understand what it's like to be dark skinned. I'll never know what it's like to be a black man. And I worry about my future kids. Because who knows what they'll look like with my background. I just know eventually I'll have to have a talk with my kids about it. It's just something I think about often. Especially after I listen to something like this.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Being young and disabled
Technically, I don't like the word "disabled" because I'm very able. I dress myself, wash myself, feed myself, dress myself, go out myself and as long as a place is wheelchair accessible, I go in places myself. Almost every day. There are sidewalks that are impossible that I need more help to roll down. Another reason I can't wait to be out of this chair. Being young and disabled is hard. It's one of those things that makes you realize just how blessed you are when you can get up and walk or exercise. I guess since I was unwell for so long, its always something on my mind especially because I wasn't given a long life expectancy. Then again, I'm not supposed to be alive according to many my doctors. Point is, when you get older, you almost expect to be tired, achy, sick, etc. But when you're younger it's not. But it happens. Unfortunately we are forgotten in many aspects. It's always on my mind. Anyway, I very well might write again later. Had a change of plans today and I have a little more time.
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