Dealing with doubt

I wanted to write something today. I wrote a couple poems the other day but got too caught up in the feels to continue. As I've been working on the website for Amped Up, in between, I reflect and think. I'm not completely focusing on the self doubt I spoke about Friday but it's still on my mind. Just a little. More so, it's about performing all the tasks I need to, regardless of my desire to do it. I have all of these plans for the future and I'm determined to make things happen. But that's going to take work. And the work itself isn't the issue, or where the fear comes from. It's more like, will I be able to balance all these things I'm doing and have it turn out alright. And I know that I can get support, so that I'm not the only one in charge. I've already delegated things. But I still have to see over it. And then do the things I, myself, need to do. I guess I still don't see myself as a boss. Shit, I've never really wanted to be one. Artist, teacher, writer, yes. Boss, not so much. But I embrace it, you know. It just gets hard. Because I'm operating from a different frame of mind from the usual boss mind. Then again, maybe I'm just making excuses for myself because I'm scared of actually being successful. It's a crazy notion to think, yes, I want success, but I'm scared to be successful. But also feel like what you're doing isn't even enough anyway. It's like, for real? But yes, for real. What's crazier is that I've had the same conversation with several people the last couple weeks and they had the same thing on their minds: I'm not reaching enough people and I'm not good enough to reach more, so what's the point? What IS the point? I came to the conclusion, after one of those conversations, that even if it's just one person we reach, it counts. Because to that one person, we count way more than we realize. We count. Period. And it's easy to forget that. Working on various things like websites or t-shirt designs or even planning the fashion shows, takes up so much time. As does all this mentoring, speaking gigs, videos, writing, and whatever appointments or downtime or the gym. Everything takes time and is equally important. Period. I just need to truly believe that. That's the actual hard part. Which is also comical. The grass will always seem greener on the other side. Fame and fortune. Woowho! But it's not. Helping folks isn't what it use to be. It's easier if you aren't running something. It's much easier if you just dip in as a volunteer or part time. Eh well. I can speculate and think it to death. Or do what another friend suggested: sometimes you have to just be a machine and work. Don't get caught up in your emotions. Don't let life stop you. If there are things that have to get done, just do it, and don't let your thoughts stop you. Period. So simple, yet so hard. Life. Such a balancing act. How one decides to live and be happy. The choices you make in whatever is going on in your life. Go left. Go right. Say yes. Say no. Stay home. Go out. Every action has a reaction. I read an article last night about how particles are connected if they are biologically connected, and whatever happens to one, will happen to the other. Just as we feel things like love, we can also feel that pain or loss or whatever it is that we are dealing with, in terms of those particles. So Eman in one universe has the potential to be effected by what happens to the other. Deep, huh? Don't get me started on the psychic connections we have with each other, other than the biological. Because that's real too. In any event, I can speculate and discuss these points for hours. Will it help me get work done? Not really. But it did get me into a better frame of mind.