Eman Rimawi and the future of Amped Up

I wanted to post something today. I tried to do a video this morning but my coffee was broken and I felt like I wasn't in my head at all. So, I'm still communicating. But on here. And since I have a little bit of time on my hands, I'll be writing more of these. Especially since they're being requested. I'm going to do weekly showcases of #AmazingAmputees all over the country and probably the world. I share a few every day on Facebook but I'm going to go in-depth with it. Maybe even interview some folks. Also, after a very long conversation with someone, I'm going to look at other ways #AmpedUp can help folks. Clothes aren't the only thing I think about when wanting to improve the quality of life of amputees and differently tabled folks. I want to help with overall quality of life. I know there are ways we can help each other even more. Whether it's connecting to meet up, social events, creative outlets, or even connecting with other orgs in their states. I know the support groups on Facebook take care of a bit of that. But I want to bring everything to the differently abled community. After all, you guys know I'm all about community. And helping people to achieve whatever it is they want to do with their lives. So stay tuned for all that awesomeness.

Real Love aka Dealing with a broken heart

I briefly talked about relationships in the past, considering I brought up kids. Recently, I was sort of seeing someone and it's over. But it got me thinking about what I do (and don't) want. It really got me thinking about the kind of relationship I truly want. Whatever Partner I'm looking for. Which is not to say that I can't have something with someone who isn't going to be my actual partner later on, but sometimes I feel like I put all my eggs in one basket expecting one thing forgetting something entirely different. I wonder about having kids. And if I will truly find a mate that I can actually relate to on all levels. And I wonder if as I get older, I'll just either settle for someone or just have my kids on my own. Which I don't want to do. But sometimes we are forced to do things that we may not particularly want to do. I thought about my past relationships. And the things I did and didn't do with my exes. In the past, I wasn't really a good listener. I didn't really truly hear that. And I would put myself out there and and up getting hurt, because I expected for them to do for me what I did for other people. Which isn't a good way to live. It's a way to screw things up. And since I've been doing landmark, I've learned that active listening and truly being there for somebody, is basically removing yourself from the equation. In the past, I never really did that. I did what I was talked to do, which is to listen half assed, and insert myself into whatever they were talking about. I also hide myself up as if I was a good partner when I wasn't really being one. I had such high expectations. I think on some level, I still do. But is sort of feels different now like my high expectations aren't high for them, as much as they are high for myself. Which is sort of in line with how I was before. Which is frustrating. I think sometimes I'll end up alone. Or worse, settle for someone that I didn't really truly love and fake it. Which I also don't want to do. Which would leave me alone. I don't know. On one hand, I'm upset about how the situation went down because I don't think I did anything wrong or insufficient at all. But I'm also not seeing things from his perspective and from his point of view and I can only speculate that he either met someone new or lost interest or both which is okay. I have no animosity towards him at all. I just want for him to be happy. As with all of my exes. It just gets lonely sometimes. And considering that most of my friends are married or have kids or both or at least have a partner, it's hard to be the favorite auntie all the time when you want to be the favorite mother a partner to somebody. Have a days to think about this. Days to let it sit and fester inside of me, hoping that it didn't grow into hatred or anger. And I haven't had any real true hate a really long time. Thank God. I just feel slighted. I feel like I wasn't given a sufficient chance. And I feel like I was let loose before anything actually long-lasting could happen. Which I think is more heartbreaking than anything else. Anyway, I'm just going to move forward to let go. Because if I don't I'm going to feel bitter and angry. And I don't want to go there. I don't want to go there at all. I'm just gonna let it go and keep it moving. Maybe he'll see the folly in his ways. Maybe I'll see me to mistake. I don't know. But what I do know, is that I went through enough heartbreak and pain over the last however many years and I'm not going to do that again. I just wonder, how easy it's going to be for me to actually follow up with somebody. I put myself out there, trusted him, and still got burnt. But maybe, that's why I heard that thing on the talking dead a few weeks ago about being in a relationship , having it not work out, and not giving up on finding new love. So even though, I feel as though I'm never going to fall in love again, I know that that's not forever. And I also know that I shouldn't be opposed to giving people a chance, even if it takes me a while to trust. I have to understand that not everybody is even ready for a real relationship. And that's what I think happened. I think that he was afraid to actually have something real go on, and we treated. Or maybe he found something better. I don't know either way doesn't matter now. I'm moving forward and that's that. Who knows, maybe we'll be friends later. Right now I need my space , and to move forward. Still sucks though.

Revolution-- Or the real change this country needs

I saw the Edward Snowden documentary, Citizenfour, last night. I didn't even realize it was watchable out of the theaters, but after it won the award last week, it got out and about. Now, most of the things he talked about, I was aware of. 1, because I watch and listen to the news constantly and 2, I've been following his case since he first came out. I was just amazed at how far it went. How far the gov't was willing to go to do the things they were doing. And not only was I amazed at the lengths this gov't will go to suppress us, but it also reminded me how politically active I use to be. And how, in between all my health stuff and life stuff, I lost a lot of it. I'm still "active" online. Like signing petitions (which I believe is useless) and on facebook (which is also a bit useless, but I do it anyway), simply because I know if I went to every protest, like I use to, one of these days I might get hurt. And getting hurt now is different than it use to be. It also took me back to my childhood. When I was a little girl, my dad (who was Palestinian) would watch the news and always cried when he saw what was going on in Palestine. And he would tell me, all the time, if you see something wrong, you fix it. You don't leave it wrong. I know he didn't mean as a political activist, but hearing his words, I applied it to every aspect of my life. I mean, yes, I've made mistakes. I've taken the wrong road. There have even been times when something was wrong and I didn't fix it. Luckily, over time, I began to do more of what he wanted of me. And I'm sure (I hope) he's watching me from heaven, happy at what I've accomplished and where I'm going in this life. And it reminds me of all the political stuff I've done. Nothing illegal. Nothing wrong. Nothing crazy. Just standing up for people's rights. The last protest, like many of them, I was the chant leader. It was when I worked at FUREE, running a youth program in downtown Brooklyn. That was in 2008. And every protest gave me a rush. It made me want to really, truly change things. But nothing ever changed. Because we were simply trying to reform rather than revolt. Reform doesn't work. I thought in the beginning that it could. I thought it was possible. But the more I saw it not changing, the more I realized it wasn't ever going to. It wasn't until I saw Occupy Wall Street folks (cue the NSA watchers watching-- I know you are) and constantly watched everything going on that I thought something would change. But the people "leading" it didn't know Community Organizing 101: Clear asks and goals. There were none and some of them got into violent altercations in some states. My friends suggested that I don't go because it may not be safe. Then the Arab Spring happened. In recent years, other than protests in Greece and South America, that was the first time I saw real true revolt in an organized way. First in Tunisia, then Egypt. Even more so than Palestine. I thought that their protests would bring real change. They did change leaders and their gov't structure but unemployment and poverty are still super strong and hasn't let up at all. Can we honestly have a real true revolution? I don't know. I'm hoping eventually. And I'm hoping too many people won't die. I'm all for peace. And non-violent tactics. Unfortunately, we are dealing with people who don't want to avoid the violence. I guess only time will tell. Or the aliens will. ;)

Dealing with stress

The last 2 days have been extremely stressful. And I think it hit me harder this time because 1, I haven't been letting things in life stress me out as much since September and 2, I haven't had too many stressful things happening consistently. I've had a stroke of luck, more of less, and got use to it. Then Medicare and Medicaid wanted me to really get "hood" on them. I didn't curse anyone out, but I did tell them, quite eloquently, to fuck off and stop screwing with my insurance. AND to get their shit in gear. Luckily, I didn't have a second cup of coffee because I had a feeling that if I did, I'd pay them a visit and they wouldn't like that. Today I had an interesting talk with my roommate about it. It's as if they hire these asshats on purpose. People who not only don't know how to do their jobs, but that don't even like to do their jobs. How do they even find these people? The same with the people who work at Access A Ride. Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of nice people at AAR and in those gov't jobs, but most of the people I've had to deal with have been nothing but difficult. I've said this a million times and I'll say it again, IF I DIDN'T NEED THE HELP, I WOULDN'T FUCKING ASK FOR IT. Period. My family had to beg me to actually apply for any of this stuff. Because I wanted to work. I wanted to be useful in my community. I wanted to help people. I had to be on my death bed and paralyzed from the neck down to actually do it. Because I had zero choices in the matter. And I still want to do all those things. It's not like anyone who sees me doesn't see that I need the help. At least for now, and as long as I'm learning how to get mobile again. I don't think they understand that sometimes. That some people aren't actually trying to milk the system. So I've learned to be more mindful with my stress. Every time I've gotten sick, it's been when I've been extremely stressed out. I let it dictate my life. Today was a reminder that I need to be vigilant about it. I can't get sucked back into that. So tonight I'll meditate and reflect on it. I'm sure the MJ won't hurt either. ;)

Being intimate, while being disabled (or being WITH someone disabled)

OK folks. So because I had a stressful morning, I figured I'd keep it light and talk about something fun today: Sex! Or rather, being intimate, because you can be intimate, without having sex, and still have fun. Now, by no means am I an expert on sex, being intimate or doing it while being disabled, BUT I can share my experiences and hopefully it'll help you on your journey to physical intimacy. As I said on my video, I've been intimate since I lost my legs (on a side note, unrelated of course, every time I say "lost" my legs, I feel like its a funny way to describe what happened, but I suppose it's better than say "since I got my legs hacked off....", but I DIGRESS), I've been intimate twice. And although it was more laughing than sexing it up (because of how to move around and get it to work) I still got it to work. Now that I think back on it, it was even more fun with the laughter, even if that wasn't the initial intention in the first place. Before I "lost" my legs, I still had to deal with my mobility because of my leg braces. And while I still had my legs, even though they were useless, I made it work. Not like I got much then either. But a little was better than nothing. Now, even though I have gotten some, I know there's still more to go. Especially because I doubt I'll have my kids through immaculate conception. And it doesn't have to be boring either. It can be fun. Intimacy is about getting close to someone, sharing your bodies, sharing your passion, but it doesn't have to be so serious all the time. AND I think if you can laugh at yourself, while attempting to do it, you might as well have a good time with it. Sex isn't only about making babies. Otherwise, it wouldn't feel so good when you're doing it. (FYI: I'm laughing while writing all this because, even though I'm a sexual creature, actually talking about it in public makes me giggle.) For my disabled folks: Whether you are an amputee, have physical issues, pain etc, don't be afraid to try different things. You never know what positions will work for you. Even without my knee, I can balance on the one. AND you don't have to just lay on your back and take it. Try anything once. You never know what will work. For my amps: maybe even keeping your legs on to make it easier, if that makes it easier, would work. I haven't yet, but I'm sure eventually I will. Lately, I've wondered how sex on a shower chair would be. I've been in the shower, years ago, but not recently. Shower chairs aren't really built for 2, unless you're on their lap. Or someone is standing. If it's 2 amps, that might be dangerous. Unless you have a shower leg. Just remember, water is a blessing and a curse. For able bodied folks: if we like you enough to get naked with you, and we are actually willing to get all sexified with you, be opened to trying different things with us. We are just as sexual as you are. And considering we may not do it all the time, we are probably wound up like a rubber band being pulled and pulled. Eventually we will pop. :) In a good way, of course. If you are strong and can lift someone, u against a wall or even on top holding them up...always a plus. Just remember to have fun. Like I've said, sex isn't only about making babies. It's about enjoying each others bodies. Sex, doing it, fucking, screwing, making love. Whatever you want to call it. And don't worry, this isn't the last you'll hear from me about the topic. Promise! Oh and I do write erotica from time to time, in case you want some ideas. Juuuust saying.

Raising kids and being disabled part 1

I'm going to talk about this in a video later. Or at least a little bit. I wanted to write anyway and it took me 4 hours to get my Google all connected and change the name. I cant remember why I made different accounts. Anyway, kids. A topic I have thought about a lot over the years. On one hand, I'm glad my past pregnancy scares were just that. On the other, I've wanted to be a mom for so long. I've been an aunty to plenty of people's kids, including my actual nieces. People have told me I'll be a great mom when it finally happens and I know I will. And everything doesn't necessarily have to be perfect, but I want to at least have my shit together. I'm 30, going on 31 and my life has been a roller coaster. And I have a lot of great memories from my youth, but there were also horrible and terrifying things that happened to me and around me. I don't want my kids to go through even 1% of what I went through. But I know they'll go through something. That's life. Nothings perfect. I just want to give them everything, including things I didn't have. Sometimes I wonder if it'll happen at all. I know it will eventually. I have time. And now that my clotting disorder is gone, it'll be much easier to be pregnant. I also wonder sometimes if I should bother with a partner or just have my kids myself. One of the reasons I think that (I think) is because my parents got divorced (also something I never want to do, hence my issues with marriage) and my mom had to do a lot herself when my dad wasn't around. We would go to his house on the weekends, which I hated because he had a POS house but he did love us and did his best too. We were at her house during the week and between my 2 siblings and 2 cousins, my mom had a lot to do. I did my best as eldest to help. Then I got sick after my dad passed away. And my mom continued to do her best. And I'll love her forever for it, even though we've had our issues over the years. I know raising a kid alone is hard, for anyone. And considering I want more than one, I should probably figure out a whole partner thing first. All of the emotional stuff aside, I always thought (since my health wasn't so great), that it wouldn't be right or fair to have kids. According to the doctors, I won't live long. But, also according to them, I should've been dead 14 years ago. But I'm a miracle. And miracles don't subscribe to Western medicine and their foolishness. The more I think about it, though, the more I recognize that that's a stupid reason not to have them. JUST like not having a partner because I don't want to hurt them either. Or not having friends. Or never leaving the house. These are ridiculous reasons not to live life. And more than that, those are ridiculous reasons not to live a life I love. So, future partner, if you're out there, here I am. Ready, willing and able. Although, I already have someone in mind.

Dealing with devotees

I've been "disabled" for years. Had my leg braces for 5 years as well. It wasn't until I became an amputee that I discovered devotees. Or, rather, they discovered me. At first, the attention was nice. Until I realized why. Asking for pictures of my legs, with and without my prosthetics and getting turned on just by looking at them. I know some people aren't freaked out by that. But I am. And I don't apologize for it. So before I lost my legs, you didn't want me but now you do??? What the fuck is that? I'm not a fetish. Or weird play thing or doll. If you want that, go find it. Plenty of fish in the sea. And dolls you can make. If I never find someone who likes me for me, that I like too, then I'd rather be alone. I have a brain, beauty, spunk, ideas, charm, a big smart mouth, etc. Zero has anything to do with my legs. So keep away if you're a devotee. I am so not interested. Thanks. :)

What does real justice look like?

Listening to NPR today and at first, the show this afternoon was about falling and all the ways we (and animals) fall. Then they started talking about police brutality. And one story about this guy in Milwaukee disturbed me. A cop stopped him several times and each time, sexually assaulted him. Literally with his hands on his balls, in his pants, while his hands were up. Although I'm black, I'll never understand what it's like to be dark skinned. I'll never know what it's like to be a black man. And I worry about my future kids. Because who knows what they'll look like with my background. I just know eventually I'll have to have a talk with my kids about it. It's just something I think about often. Especially after I listen to something like this.

Being young and disabled

Technically, I don't like the word "disabled" because I'm very able. I dress myself, wash myself, feed myself, dress myself, go out myself and as long as a place is wheelchair accessible, I go in places myself. Almost every day. There are sidewalks that are impossible that I need more help to roll down. Another reason I can't wait to be out of this chair. Being young and disabled is hard. It's one of those things that makes you realize just how blessed you are when you can get up and walk or exercise. I guess since I was unwell for so long, its always something on my mind especially because I wasn't given a long life expectancy. Then again, I'm not supposed to be alive according to many my doctors. Point is, when you get older, you almost expect to be tired, achy, sick, etc. But when you're younger it's not. But it happens. Unfortunately we are forgotten in many aspects. It's always on my mind. Anyway, I very well might write again later. Had a change of plans today and I have a little more time.

Coffee and Confidence.

As stated above I am extremely extremely caffeinated. I need made it a little too strong this morning. But I am ready to take on the world. I have a lot of things to do. Including finishing my emails to the famous amputees. speaking of which, I had a few then write me back already and I just sent them out last night. That's extremely exciting to me. I didn't expect to get responses so quickly. But I have. I think this is another example of where I don't recognize my being powerful and I sort of cop out and say well who's going to respond to me. But they have responded. So I need to trust myself and trust the universe. And trust that I have the ability to do whatever it is I set my mind to. Especially if there are people around who will support me through whatever it is that I want to do. it's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't have self doubt or at least don't have as much self doubt as you usually have. Confidence is one of the hardest things to maintain. And if you aren't some crazy egotistical asshole, then you won't necessarily have infinite confidence but that doesn't necessarily mean that you shouldn't have it or won't have it at all. I think confidence is something that you can build and grow. I remember being a teenager and feeling like I could do anything I wanted to do. I felt limitless. I felt like nothing would stand in my way. And even in my early twenties and mid twenties, I felt a similar feeling. But nothing compares to when I was a teenager. And I'd love to get that confidence back. Because it was absolutely amazing.

Winter is not my friend

I use to like snow. When I was 10. But then my dad dunked me in a giant pile of snow and my hate began. So now that I'm forced to use the wheelchair in this, I hate it even more. Especially this morning as I rolled up hill to get my ride and slide down the sidewalk on snow, ice and salt. And then had to get dragged through snow to get on the truck because apparently no one thought it necessary to clear any of the area. Thank God the community board mtg is on the 11th. I already have a long list of complaints. In other news, I'm tired. Lmaooooo. I'll be back later when I have more coffee. :)

No more breaks from writing

So I made a promise last week to start writing daily, in conjunction with my movie about my progress walking. At first, I didn't want to do it. I figured that all this back and forth with this blog was better left alone. Buuuuut, this is all part of the story I make up about why I shouldn't do it. And I'll hide, rather than showing my powerfulness. I'm done with that. I guess the difference is now I have landmark in my corner. So tally hooooooo! A lot has been going on since July. Clearly. Pain. Depression. Triumph. More pain. More triumph. I'm going to do a video vlog to go with this. And show things, like me walking. That's been hard. Especially on days when it's butt cold out and the cold goes straight to my joints. Sucks. I think when March comes around, I'll be able to walk better. Unfortunately, that's a month away. I wish I didn't have this pain because it interferes with my progress. Hell, I've even looked into moving warmer places. Because it's getting annoying and hard to deal with. I've looked into natural pain relief but it only works so much against the consistent cold. The only time I feel better is in the shower and smoking MJ. Lmao. I mean, shit, you do what you must to survive. And considering the damage the dilaudid did to my body, I'll take the other option. No side effects. And that's what I need. Anyway, I very well might be back later. I have to do the video and I have landmark stuff to do. See y'all on the flip side.