Contemplating life, the power of NO, and doing what makes ME happy

I've been deep in thought for weeks now. But especially the last two days. I think about the direction my life has taken. All the good and bad choices I've made. Because, in the end, that's what it's about. Every action has a reaction, whether you want it to or not. It's all about what we're allowed to do and what we choose to do. I had a brief conversation with a friend yesterday about this. Or some of this: whatever we allow people to do in our lives is what they'll do. Period. So if someone wants to be controlling, manipulative, overbearing, etc, they will. And just as they're allowed to be that, you're allowing them to do those things. Now, I get that other things come into play. Some things are out of your control. I get that. But you should still ask yourself some of these questions. Who are they to you? What powers do they hold over you? How would they react if you told them how you feel? Can it even be fixed? Are they truly worth whatever pain they cause you? I think about this all the time. Because it's important to think about. I don't want to be that way to anyone. Use them. Be a bitch. Not earn my keep. Take up too much space. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't ever want to be a burden. Except I keep falling into that. In my mind, anyway. Because that's my truth. No matter what was going on in the last 15 years, I've felt like a burden. Whether I had a job, paid for others, lived alone, ran programs, etc. I think about all the sacrifices I've made for the people I care about. If I'm in your corner, I'm in it 110%. I'll break my own back to support you and help you stand on your own. If you cross me, I'll cut you off completely, but before I do that, I'll try try until I'm literally disgusted with you. And then cut you off. And people have taken full advantage of me because of that. I use to give a million chances. A million too many. And the sad, ironic part, is that I'd be aware of my being used after the second or third time. And still stuck around. But now that I'm nearly 32, I've gained some actual wisdom. I truly learned the power of NO. No, nope, not gonna happen, never, not even later. I've said no more in the past several months than I have in my entire life. And yet, it still hasn't been enough. Because I still say yes sometimes. AND get shit when I do say no. Folks aren't use to my no's. Not yet anyway. And even saying it feels odd because I do want to help. I just don't want to be used. How do you trust anyone when that's in your mind? After all, everyone wants something. And someone people are willing to use anyone they can to get it. Maybe I've just been watching too much of the news. Lately I feel like humanity is epically failing. Everywhere. And yes, I know it's not all bad news and bad things and bad people. I know. I get that part. It just feels like the bad outweighs the good exponentially. Lying, killing, war, political corruption, stealing, abuse, etc. Every single day. As I listen to the wind howl outside my living room window, I think back on the things that make me happy. The good things in my life. People that truly care about me. My ability to just be. All the talents. My passions. The little things that make me smile. All I want to do is make people happy and be happy myself. And in my current situation, that's lacking. I'm happy. But I'm not HAPPY. There's a difference. I felt very useful last year. And now, I feel useless. Which I'm not feeling at all. And I'm doing everything I can at the moment, but it doesn't feel like enough. Still. Yes, still. But I'm getting there. At least I think I am. I'm making some big changes in my life, in order to make myself and others happy. That's what life is all about, right? Some people want power or money or fame. I just want to be happy and help folks do the same. Ok. Enough emo-ing. See ya later folks :)