Real Love aka Dealing with a broken heart

I briefly talked about relationships in the past, considering I brought up kids. Recently, I was sort of seeing someone and it's over. But it got me thinking about what I do (and don't) want. It really got me thinking about the kind of relationship I truly want. Whatever Partner I'm looking for. Which is not to say that I can't have something with someone who isn't going to be my actual partner later on, but sometimes I feel like I put all my eggs in one basket expecting one thing forgetting something entirely different. I wonder about having kids. And if I will truly find a mate that I can actually relate to on all levels. And I wonder if as I get older, I'll just either settle for someone or just have my kids on my own. Which I don't want to do. But sometimes we are forced to do things that we may not particularly want to do. I thought about my past relationships. And the things I did and didn't do with my exes. In the past, I wasn't really a good listener. I didn't really truly hear that. And I would put myself out there and and up getting hurt, because I expected for them to do for me what I did for other people. Which isn't a good way to live. It's a way to screw things up. And since I've been doing landmark, I've learned that active listening and truly being there for somebody, is basically removing yourself from the equation. In the past, I never really did that. I did what I was talked to do, which is to listen half assed, and insert myself into whatever they were talking about. I also hide myself up as if I was a good partner when I wasn't really being one. I had such high expectations. I think on some level, I still do. But is sort of feels different now like my high expectations aren't high for them, as much as they are high for myself. Which is sort of in line with how I was before. Which is frustrating. I think sometimes I'll end up alone. Or worse, settle for someone that I didn't really truly love and fake it. Which I also don't want to do. Which would leave me alone. I don't know. On one hand, I'm upset about how the situation went down because I don't think I did anything wrong or insufficient at all. But I'm also not seeing things from his perspective and from his point of view and I can only speculate that he either met someone new or lost interest or both which is okay. I have no animosity towards him at all. I just want for him to be happy. As with all of my exes. It just gets lonely sometimes. And considering that most of my friends are married or have kids or both or at least have a partner, it's hard to be the favorite auntie all the time when you want to be the favorite mother a partner to somebody. Have a days to think about this. Days to let it sit and fester inside of me, hoping that it didn't grow into hatred or anger. And I haven't had any real true hate a really long time. Thank God. I just feel slighted. I feel like I wasn't given a sufficient chance. And I feel like I was let loose before anything actually long-lasting could happen. Which I think is more heartbreaking than anything else. Anyway, I'm just going to move forward to let go. Because if I don't I'm going to feel bitter and angry. And I don't want to go there. I don't want to go there at all. I'm just gonna let it go and keep it moving. Maybe he'll see the folly in his ways. Maybe I'll see me to mistake. I don't know. But what I do know, is that I went through enough heartbreak and pain over the last however many years and I'm not going to do that again. I just wonder, how easy it's going to be for me to actually follow up with somebody. I put myself out there, trusted him, and still got burnt. But maybe, that's why I heard that thing on the talking dead a few weeks ago about being in a relationship , having it not work out, and not giving up on finding new love. So even though, I feel as though I'm never going to fall in love again, I know that that's not forever. And I also know that I shouldn't be opposed to giving people a chance, even if it takes me a while to trust. I have to understand that not everybody is even ready for a real relationship. And that's what I think happened. I think that he was afraid to actually have something real go on, and we treated. Or maybe he found something better. I don't know either way doesn't matter now. I'm moving forward and that's that. Who knows, maybe we'll be friends later. Right now I need my space , and to move forward. Still sucks though.