Feeling lost and alone

This Charlie Countryman movie has brought some feelings and shit out of me. I can't remember the last time I cried. Now I can't sleep. It's morning now so I should get over sleep at this point. 

I avoided watching the movie for a long time. I had a feeling it would hit me hard. I don't know why. I just did. 

And now I'm listening to The Weeknd and laying in bed thinking of how hard being an amputee is. Makes me want to cry. I think of all the mistakes I've made. So fucking many. And it's lead me down this path. It's my own fault. Letting my stress get me so sick. I keep trying  to get away from the stress and it finds me. Sucks me down the vast, dark rabbit hole. And eventually it'll kill me. I know it will. I know what I have to do. Eliminate the stress. But it's hard. Esp when you love the ppl who Stress you. What else can I do? I want to live. So I have to move on from these ppl.  

I'm so stressed right now just dealing with my health crap and trying to find a place to live and spending a lot of time alone. I'm active. I do things daily. 

I dunno. I don't know anymore.

Anyway I'm up. I'm gonna lay here and listen to music. Maybe read. I'll be around. 

You're not better than anyone. Period.

I find more and more people think they're better than me. I'm sorry but who are you? Royalty? The president? A VIP? No one is more important than anyone else. I find so Many human beings that are useless yet make the most money or goods. 

I'm not useless yet I have very little. 

Don't look at me as if I'm nothing.  

I'm everything baby. Period. 

That's all. 

Carry on. 

Feeling just as fat as they think I am

I'm trying to ignore the weight gain but it's hard to ignore when it's been so much. 

I write in my journal usually handwritten and I forget about the blog. I shouldn't. 

Considering I put everything on FB, might as well post here too. Let's hope I remember to do it. 

This nursing home rehab place is fucking with me. Little do they know is that I'll fuck them back. Much harder. 

Anyway, I've never been an over-eater. I've never had any issue with food. I would always eat lots of sweets but never to the point that I gained crazy weight. I work out super hard all the time but the fact that I can't get up and work out the way I want to I'm gaining weight. 

Well fuuuuuuuck that. 

I've got to do something about it. 

It's really getting me down which makes me want to snack more. I don't have healthy snacks so it's bread or whatever. 

I just feel shitty about it, I'm getting slower, and I feel badly about it. I already feel bad about my lack of legs but this makes me feel worse. 

It's really getting to me. :/

In other stuff, I'm trying to get it together with my legs and learning to walk. It's harder than it looks.  Relearning to bend a knee is super hard. I did my best. And I do my best. My best isn't good enough. It's all I can do though. 

I'll be doing what I can. 

Anyway, I'm gonna finish watching Penny Dreadful and then try to do some writing. 

Until later

E

    Over a year ago, before I lost my legs 

It's a new day!

An old post from weeks ago. Things have changed. Hopefully I'll get it soon. 

Getting my first prosthetic today. And I'm super excited. Of course I know it'll be the semi functional one but still. I'll be able to STAND UP! I haven't been able to stand with out pain in 8 months and haven't been able to stand at all in a month. That's rough. That's hard. That's sad. 

I do my very best to try not to get sad or down. 

I'm just excited to get it. Sooooo excited! 

Soon I'll have legs again. They won't be my permanent legs but they'll get me around. :)

Perspicacious--- my dad's name

I was looking up Arabic names with an F. I knew I might run into my dad's name. His name was Firas. I never knew what it meant until now. 

Perspicacious: having or showing an ability to notice and understand things that are difficult or not obvious. 

That was definitely my dad. I got a lot of that from him. I'm amazed that his name means something so close and deep and insightful, for him. 

I'm glad I found it tonight. I've been dreaming about him lately and now his name. He's def trying to tell me something. I just have to open myself and listen. 

I miss you daddy. Ahabek baba. 

It's a new day!

Getting my first prosthetic today. And I'm super excited. Of course I know it'll be the semi functional one but still. I'll be able to STAND UP! I haven't been able to stand with out pain in 8 months and haven't been able to stand at all in a month. That's rough. That's hard. That's sad. 

I do my very best to try not to get sad or down. 

I'm just excited to get it. Sooooo excited! 

Soon I'll have legs again. They won't be my permanent legs but they'll get me around. :)

This pain I'm in aka Sleepless nights

I know it's been a while. A loooong while.

 

But it's another sleepless night. My only saving grace is that I can sleep a few hrs when the sun comes up until my nurse, aide and pt gets here. 

I guess I just need to do something since I'm up and try my best not to think about my foot. Even though I'm going to talk about it :/. 

Anyway, had another fun visit in the clinic today with vascular. I see many docs in the hospital since Bellevue is a teaching hospital but at least I've seen a couple of consistent docs since I've been dealing with these docs since July. 

I guess I need to write about how I feel more. I bottle up way too much and that's never been good for anyone. Who do I talk to about all this though. I haven't been consistent with my therapist since I first entered the hospital in July. Part of me doesn't want to talk about it at all. And another part of me knows I need to let it out. 

I was on cymbalta for a really long time for my nerve damage and then I stopped about 2 wks ago and it's opened this flood gate. I knew I was holding things in but I had no idea just how much until I wasn't on any. I didn't know it blocked my tears so much. And how I felt. I've talked to Dave about it more lately. ESP since I'm thinking about my mortality so much. It's hard not to after your clotting disorder takes one leg and it's trying to take another. I knew having to do the first one would effect me eventually but losing my knee was insanely hard. And I don't know why that killed me so much. Maybe I just felt like I was having too much of myself cut off or taken away from me. Or I was told I'd be ok before but now I wasn't again. Or maybe it finally hit me and was too much for me to handle. 

I don't know. 

And lately, I've just been putting so much out there on FB. I guess bcus I felt so alone and needed to let all this shit out and so FB it was. I'm still surprised so many ppl have been responding and visiting me. Makes me feel less alone than I felt when I had my paralysis and less alone in general. 

3 hours until sunrise. Fun times. I guess I'll try to pass the time writing some fiction. I could use the distraction. Esp with my foot keeping me up. It hurts like hell. Like every night. I thought once I got my pain meds, I'd be ok. But I'm not. The pain hasn't gone away. 

Sigh. Shit. I know where this is heading. 

I probably won't like it either. 

Oh well. 

I'll do my best to write more often. Perhaps even weekly or more. I have the blogger app so really I'm only procrastinating the necessary. Plus writing personally will help me writing other things like I use to do all the time. I'd like to get that back. 

See you soon. 

Peace. 

Need to get some things off my chest

I guess i have alot on my mind these days. Feeling like I have so much falling apart but strangely stable. Im tired of NYC. I cant deal with alot of the crap. Even tho I want to live in Brooklyn. I just dont know anymore. VA was great in Nov. I guess Ill write later. I keep getting distracted.

New headband and new jewelry pics to come!

I meant to put this up a while ago. I made it in no time and put it on to take a pic. So here it is. :)

Along with some of the earrings, the headbands are the biggest sellers. Especially with the little girls.

And why not? They're super cute!

Don't worry. I've made a lot of new things so there are a TON of new pics to come!

Stay tuned!

Peace!
Eman

Starting it up all ovr again......

Its been almost a year since ive written a blog in here. Amazing huh? And sometimes i feel like nothing has changed. I not sure how i feel about that. I dont even know how i feel about anything, but im sure i have to start feel something, huh?
Im just not happy w/my life. Im not happy. Thats the first ive admitted that. And ive got to do something about it asap. I just cant stand it.
In any event i think thats as much truth as i can manage right now. Ive got to get back to doing this regularly though. It helped me and apparently it help othr ppl.
Until later.

E

self-fulfilling prophesies

i just woke from a dream where my lupus was getting out of control again. and i traveled around trying to do things about it but it wouldn't help. so i started faking again, that i was well. and then i finally told my family how serious it gotten. they were different ppl than they really are. and they were so hell bent on me going to a lupus clinic that was better. and they felt so responsible for the way i was, as if my lupus was their fault.

these self-fulfilling prophesies, violently waking inside of me.

how sad that even in my head, my lupus is killing me off. (i dunno y the name dr. kessler keeps jumping at me) anyway, im gona try to go bck to sleep.

Forever Young

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost. Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm stuck. -Coldplay, Lost

Let us die young or live forever.

I can't place how i'm feeling right now. i wonder if im going to be cut off from most of my emotions forever. i wonder if i could even handle dealing with them in a mire head on approach.

of course i never finished the thoughts above. eh well. maybe another time.



yeah, venting. if only letting it out made me feel better, but it doesn't. the video says enough, so yep.

once again, maybe i'll get up on it and say something more with my words.

The past and its ugly head....Part 2

The part2 to the last video. Sorry it took so long. Soooo much has been going on. I'll do a video about it today.

the past and its ugly head

i woke up this morning, around 6:30am, thinking of the past. 14 or so years ago, in the past. I must've been dreaming about it and saw something that bothered me, because i woke very abruptly, as if i were in the middle of something. at least thats how it felt. interrupted. like my life, in general.

its never fun to relive memories that gave you nightmares for a long time. i wonder every time i think about it, if its that evil presence putting it in the universe for me to think about. i dont know. i'm just overtired and not in the mood. i just want to get the hell out of here. i hate this place, the food, the half ass therapy, the aides, and this fucking wheelchair. i'm sick of it all!

anyway, here it is. the vids. i'm going to try and relax my mind.


here's the latest couple of videos...a silly one i forgot about and then my usual vlog entry.

prepare yourself for some extra honesty


funny lil video

Dragging on and on and on.....Part 1

I feel as though the days are never ending. Eh well. Here ya go.