This pain I'm in aka Sleepless nights

I know it's been a while. A loooong while.

 

But it's another sleepless night. My only saving grace is that I can sleep a few hrs when the sun comes up until my nurse, aide and pt gets here. 

I guess I just need to do something since I'm up and try my best not to think about my foot. Even though I'm going to talk about it :/. 

Anyway, had another fun visit in the clinic today with vascular. I see many docs in the hospital since Bellevue is a teaching hospital but at least I've seen a couple of consistent docs since I've been dealing with these docs since July. 

I guess I need to write about how I feel more. I bottle up way too much and that's never been good for anyone. Who do I talk to about all this though. I haven't been consistent with my therapist since I first entered the hospital in July. Part of me doesn't want to talk about it at all. And another part of me knows I need to let it out. 

I was on cymbalta for a really long time for my nerve damage and then I stopped about 2 wks ago and it's opened this flood gate. I knew I was holding things in but I had no idea just how much until I wasn't on any. I didn't know it blocked my tears so much. And how I felt. I've talked to Dave about it more lately. ESP since I'm thinking about my mortality so much. It's hard not to after your clotting disorder takes one leg and it's trying to take another. I knew having to do the first one would effect me eventually but losing my knee was insanely hard. And I don't know why that killed me so much. Maybe I just felt like I was having too much of myself cut off or taken away from me. Or I was told I'd be ok before but now I wasn't again. Or maybe it finally hit me and was too much for me to handle. 

I don't know. 

And lately, I've just been putting so much out there on FB. I guess bcus I felt so alone and needed to let all this shit out and so FB it was. I'm still surprised so many ppl have been responding and visiting me. Makes me feel less alone than I felt when I had my paralysis and less alone in general. 

3 hours until sunrise. Fun times. I guess I'll try to pass the time writing some fiction. I could use the distraction. Esp with my foot keeping me up. It hurts like hell. Like every night. I thought once I got my pain meds, I'd be ok. But I'm not. The pain hasn't gone away. 

Sigh. Shit. I know where this is heading. 

I probably won't like it either. 

Oh well. 

I'll do my best to write more often. Perhaps even weekly or more. I have the blogger app so really I'm only procrastinating the necessary. Plus writing personally will help me writing other things like I use to do all the time. I'd like to get that back. 

See you soon. 

Peace.