Contemplating life, the power of NO, and doing what makes ME happy

I've been deep in thought for weeks now. But especially the last two days. I think about the direction my life has taken. All the good and bad choices I've made. Because, in the end, that's what it's about. Every action has a reaction, whether you want it to or not. It's all about what we're allowed to do and what we choose to do. I had a brief conversation with a friend yesterday about this. Or some of this: whatever we allow people to do in our lives is what they'll do. Period. So if someone wants to be controlling, manipulative, overbearing, etc, they will. And just as they're allowed to be that, you're allowing them to do those things. Now, I get that other things come into play. Some things are out of your control. I get that. But you should still ask yourself some of these questions. Who are they to you? What powers do they hold over you? How would they react if you told them how you feel? Can it even be fixed? Are they truly worth whatever pain they cause you? I think about this all the time. Because it's important to think about. I don't want to be that way to anyone. Use them. Be a bitch. Not earn my keep. Take up too much space. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't ever want to be a burden. Except I keep falling into that. In my mind, anyway. Because that's my truth. No matter what was going on in the last 15 years, I've felt like a burden. Whether I had a job, paid for others, lived alone, ran programs, etc. I think about all the sacrifices I've made for the people I care about. If I'm in your corner, I'm in it 110%. I'll break my own back to support you and help you stand on your own. If you cross me, I'll cut you off completely, but before I do that, I'll try try until I'm literally disgusted with you. And then cut you off. And people have taken full advantage of me because of that. I use to give a million chances. A million too many. And the sad, ironic part, is that I'd be aware of my being used after the second or third time. And still stuck around. But now that I'm nearly 32, I've gained some actual wisdom. I truly learned the power of NO. No, nope, not gonna happen, never, not even later. I've said no more in the past several months than I have in my entire life. And yet, it still hasn't been enough. Because I still say yes sometimes. AND get shit when I do say no. Folks aren't use to my no's. Not yet anyway. And even saying it feels odd because I do want to help. I just don't want to be used. How do you trust anyone when that's in your mind? After all, everyone wants something. And someone people are willing to use anyone they can to get it. Maybe I've just been watching too much of the news. Lately I feel like humanity is epically failing. Everywhere. And yes, I know it's not all bad news and bad things and bad people. I know. I get that part. It just feels like the bad outweighs the good exponentially. Lying, killing, war, political corruption, stealing, abuse, etc. Every single day. As I listen to the wind howl outside my living room window, I think back on the things that make me happy. The good things in my life. People that truly care about me. My ability to just be. All the talents. My passions. The little things that make me smile. All I want to do is make people happy and be happy myself. And in my current situation, that's lacking. I'm happy. But I'm not HAPPY. There's a difference. I felt very useful last year. And now, I feel useless. Which I'm not feeling at all. And I'm doing everything I can at the moment, but it doesn't feel like enough. Still. Yes, still. But I'm getting there. At least I think I am. I'm making some big changes in my life, in order to make myself and others happy. That's what life is all about, right? Some people want power or money or fame. I just want to be happy and help folks do the same. Ok. Enough emo-ing. See ya later folks :)

Dealing with doubt

I wanted to write something today. I wrote a couple poems the other day but got too caught up in the feels to continue. As I've been working on the website for Amped Up, in between, I reflect and think. I'm not completely focusing on the self doubt I spoke about Friday but it's still on my mind. Just a little. More so, it's about performing all the tasks I need to, regardless of my desire to do it. I have all of these plans for the future and I'm determined to make things happen. But that's going to take work. And the work itself isn't the issue, or where the fear comes from. It's more like, will I be able to balance all these things I'm doing and have it turn out alright. And I know that I can get support, so that I'm not the only one in charge. I've already delegated things. But I still have to see over it. And then do the things I, myself, need to do. I guess I still don't see myself as a boss. Shit, I've never really wanted to be one. Artist, teacher, writer, yes. Boss, not so much. But I embrace it, you know. It just gets hard. Because I'm operating from a different frame of mind from the usual boss mind. Then again, maybe I'm just making excuses for myself because I'm scared of actually being successful. It's a crazy notion to think, yes, I want success, but I'm scared to be successful. But also feel like what you're doing isn't even enough anyway. It's like, for real? But yes, for real. What's crazier is that I've had the same conversation with several people the last couple weeks and they had the same thing on their minds: I'm not reaching enough people and I'm not good enough to reach more, so what's the point? What IS the point? I came to the conclusion, after one of those conversations, that even if it's just one person we reach, it counts. Because to that one person, we count way more than we realize. We count. Period. And it's easy to forget that. Working on various things like websites or t-shirt designs or even planning the fashion shows, takes up so much time. As does all this mentoring, speaking gigs, videos, writing, and whatever appointments or downtime or the gym. Everything takes time and is equally important. Period. I just need to truly believe that. That's the actual hard part. Which is also comical. The grass will always seem greener on the other side. Fame and fortune. Woowho! But it's not. Helping folks isn't what it use to be. It's easier if you aren't running something. It's much easier if you just dip in as a volunteer or part time. Eh well. I can speculate and think it to death. Or do what another friend suggested: sometimes you have to just be a machine and work. Don't get caught up in your emotions. Don't let life stop you. If there are things that have to get done, just do it, and don't let your thoughts stop you. Period. So simple, yet so hard. Life. Such a balancing act. How one decides to live and be happy. The choices you make in whatever is going on in your life. Go left. Go right. Say yes. Say no. Stay home. Go out. Every action has a reaction. I read an article last night about how particles are connected if they are biologically connected, and whatever happens to one, will happen to the other. Just as we feel things like love, we can also feel that pain or loss or whatever it is that we are dealing with, in terms of those particles. So Eman in one universe has the potential to be effected by what happens to the other. Deep, huh? Don't get me started on the psychic connections we have with each other, other than the biological. Because that's real too. In any event, I can speculate and discuss these points for hours. Will it help me get work done? Not really. But it did get me into a better frame of mind.