Love

Love Eman Rimawi to me 0 minutes agoDetails I think about the curves In your face The way your cheeks And chin Meet Every line And bump And wrinkle Beautiful To me You I Enjoy Watching You Sleep Observing you While you rest Deep in sleep Your Beautiful Eyes Closed, to the world I find myself Deep in thought While I Watch You are ever present In my mind Like the phantom pains Of lost limbs You are a constant I can't shake you From my mind From my dreams I think about the curves While you are under me The look on your face When I move my hips Into yours I dance With you While we make love You Deep inside Of Me And I Welcome it As I whisper Your name and Moan You You are stuck In my mind Stuck A constant Ever present Reminder That I Am Falling Deeply In love With You.

Open letter to Access A Ride

Dear #AAR #AccessARide #NYCMTA, You suck. Let me explain. You hire people, who could literally give zero craps about differently-abled folks, then charge them for this service. All the while, not doing anything about accessibility on trains and buses. Access a Ride is supposed to make it easier for differently-abled and elderly folks to get around the city. Instead, the majority of your drivers are rude, unhelpful, nasty and/or refuse to take no for an answer with sexual advances. How is this workable? Oh, right. The guys at the top, #VeroniqueHakim, #ThomasPrendergast, #DonnaEvans, who I'm assuming also run AAR, need to do a better job. Do you think I asked to lose my legs? To have to use a wheelchair right now? It's bad enough that a good portion of the city isn't accessible to me. You just add fuel to the fire by making your service, WHICH I PAY FOR, a complete and utter waste of time and money. I've lived in NYC my entire life. Born and raised. It's bad enough I, a native NYer, have to already fight gentrification. Now I fight to simply getting the minimum from your drivers. Your greed, lack of community and selfishness towards the people of NY, disgusts me. I'm not only sharing this for myself, but for the hundreds of people that I know personally who have continually struggled with this service. I'm putting this everywhere, with the hope to hold you all accountable. You all have a great deal to learn about running a business and a service that best supports a community. Start by looking inward. Make some changes to yourself. It's not just about you. That's not how community works.

Word of the day poem: Brevity

Brevity In few words I can Create entire worlds Shaping universes Across galaxies But When I think about how you make me feel And the fear That feeling real love Gives me I don't know what to think My heart Erupts in dance I freeze up Questioning everything that you are Because trust, Like love, Has made it hard for me To believe This is really happening To me But I'll be brave I'll be a soldier Until the end And not let my yesterday's Effect my present moment Of pure elation This is what It feels like to fall

There is no real suffering

I wrote this last year and found it again. There is no real suffering Before I actually experienced multiple miracles, I never thought they existed. But now, more than ever, I recognize that I am a walking miracle. And as my 32nd birthday approaches, all I can think about is how blessed I am. And how I have so much love and happiness in my life. But it wasn't always easy. My journey with my health issues began early. My health started to decline when I was 15, after my father died. For a long time, I thought it was my fault and didn't realize until later it wasn't. At 17, I had 2 heart attacks and was dying. After withering away for months, we finally found out I had lupus. An autoimmune disorder, where my immune system attacks my body. Especially when extreme emotional stress happens. I was good at bottling things up and doing what needed doing. But it still caused damage internally. In a short amount of time, I went from a sickly 105 pounds to 190, because of the steroids for my lupus. Fortunately for me, the steroids also saved my life. At 19, I found out that I had a necrosis (bones grinding on bones) in my right hip and eventually I'll need a hip replacement. At 21, my heart kept causing problems and I was in and out of the hospital every few months. I was pushing myself too hard between school, work, living on my own, trying to be social, and all the promises I made to people. I had issues saying no. I was always trying to please people. But I couldn't keep my integrity at all. At 21, I also found out about my blood clotting disorder (Catastrophic Antiphosphilipid Syndrome, or CAPS) because my spleen exploded. Both that, and my hip, were extremely painful. I took the meds, thinking I'd be okay, but it wasn't working because of all of my personal crap going on. At 23, my brother had a motorcycle accident and because I was so stressed at the time, I didn't take care of myself and had several mini-strokes. I also got gallstones, pancreatitis, and my heart kept trying to attack me. 24 into 25 was the only year I wasn't in the hospital. But a few months after I turned 25, my body revolted against me. I slowly lost feeling in my feet, which moved up my legs. And my body pain increased and became more intense. By the summer, I ended up back in the hospital. Within a week, I had another heart attack, a massive stroke, and my body began to shut down. Over the course of a day, I discovered I couldn't get up, and later that day, paralysis spread up my body. I became paralyzed from the neck down and could only lift my head. I couldn't move myself for almost 7 months and it took over a year to relearn how to walk. When I could walk again, I wore leg braces. After all the chemo, dialysis and lupus treatments, physical therapy was what I needed. For the next 4 years, I let stress, being inauthentic, having a lack of integrity, making promises I couldn't keep, and neglecting myself for others, become my world yet again. When I was 29, I let stress rule everything and that summer, old clots got aggravated in my feet. Up until then, I thought I knew what pain was, but I had just hit the tip of the pain I'd feel during that time. After 11 surgeries over 8 months, and 3 amputations (right leg, right knee and left leg), I ignored my feelings and didn't deal with my depression about what was happening to me. I hadn't been depressed like that since I was 21 and was suicidal for 3 months. That August, I reach out to a good friend and let her know that I wasn't doing very well emotionally and that I needed her to make sure I didn't do anything to myself. It was hard for me to do that, but I knew that if I didn't say anything, I'd get lost in the darkness of my mind. I couldn't imagine my life in the future. I just wanted to walk and live. I couldn't even see the next day, let alone years down the road. I took no responsibility for the things happening in my life, with my health. Or the things I was doing and feeling effecting me. I didn't want my lupus or clotting disorder. I fought them so hard. I'm not fighting it anymore. I feel liberated and powerful, like I can achieve anything. My entire life has shown me that miracles do exist. I wasn't raised religious and never took stock in actual miracles, but statistically, I shouldn't still be alive. And yet, I am. Every single thing I experienced, and up to this point, showed me that there is no real suffering. That I had the power all along to not suffer at all. That my stress and my health didn't have to deteriorate the way it did. And having the knowledge of that makes me feel even more capable to deal with anything that comes my way.

Contemplating life, the power of NO, and doing what makes ME happy

I've been deep in thought for weeks now. But especially the last two days. I think about the direction my life has taken. All the good and bad choices I've made. Because, in the end, that's what it's about. Every action has a reaction, whether you want it to or not. It's all about what we're allowed to do and what we choose to do. I had a brief conversation with a friend yesterday about this. Or some of this: whatever we allow people to do in our lives is what they'll do. Period. So if someone wants to be controlling, manipulative, overbearing, etc, they will. And just as they're allowed to be that, you're allowing them to do those things. Now, I get that other things come into play. Some things are out of your control. I get that. But you should still ask yourself some of these questions. Who are they to you? What powers do they hold over you? How would they react if you told them how you feel? Can it even be fixed? Are they truly worth whatever pain they cause you? I think about this all the time. Because it's important to think about. I don't want to be that way to anyone. Use them. Be a bitch. Not earn my keep. Take up too much space. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't ever want to be a burden. Except I keep falling into that. In my mind, anyway. Because that's my truth. No matter what was going on in the last 15 years, I've felt like a burden. Whether I had a job, paid for others, lived alone, ran programs, etc. I think about all the sacrifices I've made for the people I care about. If I'm in your corner, I'm in it 110%. I'll break my own back to support you and help you stand on your own. If you cross me, I'll cut you off completely, but before I do that, I'll try try until I'm literally disgusted with you. And then cut you off. And people have taken full advantage of me because of that. I use to give a million chances. A million too many. And the sad, ironic part, is that I'd be aware of my being used after the second or third time. And still stuck around. But now that I'm nearly 32, I've gained some actual wisdom. I truly learned the power of NO. No, nope, not gonna happen, never, not even later. I've said no more in the past several months than I have in my entire life. And yet, it still hasn't been enough. Because I still say yes sometimes. AND get shit when I do say no. Folks aren't use to my no's. Not yet anyway. And even saying it feels odd because I do want to help. I just don't want to be used. How do you trust anyone when that's in your mind? After all, everyone wants something. And someone people are willing to use anyone they can to get it. Maybe I've just been watching too much of the news. Lately I feel like humanity is epically failing. Everywhere. And yes, I know it's not all bad news and bad things and bad people. I know. I get that part. It just feels like the bad outweighs the good exponentially. Lying, killing, war, political corruption, stealing, abuse, etc. Every single day. As I listen to the wind howl outside my living room window, I think back on the things that make me happy. The good things in my life. People that truly care about me. My ability to just be. All the talents. My passions. The little things that make me smile. All I want to do is make people happy and be happy myself. And in my current situation, that's lacking. I'm happy. But I'm not HAPPY. There's a difference. I felt very useful last year. And now, I feel useless. Which I'm not feeling at all. And I'm doing everything I can at the moment, but it doesn't feel like enough. Still. Yes, still. But I'm getting there. At least I think I am. I'm making some big changes in my life, in order to make myself and others happy. That's what life is all about, right? Some people want power or money or fame. I just want to be happy and help folks do the same. Ok. Enough emo-ing. See ya later folks :)

Dealing with doubt

I wanted to write something today. I wrote a couple poems the other day but got too caught up in the feels to continue. As I've been working on the website for Amped Up, in between, I reflect and think. I'm not completely focusing on the self doubt I spoke about Friday but it's still on my mind. Just a little. More so, it's about performing all the tasks I need to, regardless of my desire to do it. I have all of these plans for the future and I'm determined to make things happen. But that's going to take work. And the work itself isn't the issue, or where the fear comes from. It's more like, will I be able to balance all these things I'm doing and have it turn out alright. And I know that I can get support, so that I'm not the only one in charge. I've already delegated things. But I still have to see over it. And then do the things I, myself, need to do. I guess I still don't see myself as a boss. Shit, I've never really wanted to be one. Artist, teacher, writer, yes. Boss, not so much. But I embrace it, you know. It just gets hard. Because I'm operating from a different frame of mind from the usual boss mind. Then again, maybe I'm just making excuses for myself because I'm scared of actually being successful. It's a crazy notion to think, yes, I want success, but I'm scared to be successful. But also feel like what you're doing isn't even enough anyway. It's like, for real? But yes, for real. What's crazier is that I've had the same conversation with several people the last couple weeks and they had the same thing on their minds: I'm not reaching enough people and I'm not good enough to reach more, so what's the point? What IS the point? I came to the conclusion, after one of those conversations, that even if it's just one person we reach, it counts. Because to that one person, we count way more than we realize. We count. Period. And it's easy to forget that. Working on various things like websites or t-shirt designs or even planning the fashion shows, takes up so much time. As does all this mentoring, speaking gigs, videos, writing, and whatever appointments or downtime or the gym. Everything takes time and is equally important. Period. I just need to truly believe that. That's the actual hard part. Which is also comical. The grass will always seem greener on the other side. Fame and fortune. Woowho! But it's not. Helping folks isn't what it use to be. It's easier if you aren't running something. It's much easier if you just dip in as a volunteer or part time. Eh well. I can speculate and think it to death. Or do what another friend suggested: sometimes you have to just be a machine and work. Don't get caught up in your emotions. Don't let life stop you. If there are things that have to get done, just do it, and don't let your thoughts stop you. Period. So simple, yet so hard. Life. Such a balancing act. How one decides to live and be happy. The choices you make in whatever is going on in your life. Go left. Go right. Say yes. Say no. Stay home. Go out. Every action has a reaction. I read an article last night about how particles are connected if they are biologically connected, and whatever happens to one, will happen to the other. Just as we feel things like love, we can also feel that pain or loss or whatever it is that we are dealing with, in terms of those particles. So Eman in one universe has the potential to be effected by what happens to the other. Deep, huh? Don't get me started on the psychic connections we have with each other, other than the biological. Because that's real too. In any event, I can speculate and discuss these points for hours. Will it help me get work done? Not really. But it did get me into a better frame of mind.