Dealing with devotees

I've been "disabled" for years. Had my leg braces for 5 years as well. It wasn't until I became an amputee that I discovered devotees. Or, rather, they discovered me. At first, the attention was nice. Until I realized why. Asking for pictures of my legs, with and without my prosthetics and getting turned on just by looking at them. I know some people aren't freaked out by that. But I am. And I don't apologize for it. So before I lost my legs, you didn't want me but now you do??? What the fuck is that? I'm not a fetish. Or weird play thing or doll. If you want that, go find it. Plenty of fish in the sea. And dolls you can make. If I never find someone who likes me for me, that I like too, then I'd rather be alone. I have a brain, beauty, spunk, ideas, charm, a big smart mouth, etc. Zero has anything to do with my legs. So keep away if you're a devotee. I am so not interested. Thanks. :)

What does real justice look like?

Listening to NPR today and at first, the show this afternoon was about falling and all the ways we (and animals) fall. Then they started talking about police brutality. And one story about this guy in Milwaukee disturbed me. A cop stopped him several times and each time, sexually assaulted him. Literally with his hands on his balls, in his pants, while his hands were up. Although I'm black, I'll never understand what it's like to be dark skinned. I'll never know what it's like to be a black man. And I worry about my future kids. Because who knows what they'll look like with my background. I just know eventually I'll have to have a talk with my kids about it. It's just something I think about often. Especially after I listen to something like this.

Being young and disabled

Technically, I don't like the word "disabled" because I'm very able. I dress myself, wash myself, feed myself, dress myself, go out myself and as long as a place is wheelchair accessible, I go in places myself. Almost every day. There are sidewalks that are impossible that I need more help to roll down. Another reason I can't wait to be out of this chair. Being young and disabled is hard. It's one of those things that makes you realize just how blessed you are when you can get up and walk or exercise. I guess since I was unwell for so long, its always something on my mind especially because I wasn't given a long life expectancy. Then again, I'm not supposed to be alive according to many my doctors. Point is, when you get older, you almost expect to be tired, achy, sick, etc. But when you're younger it's not. But it happens. Unfortunately we are forgotten in many aspects. It's always on my mind. Anyway, I very well might write again later. Had a change of plans today and I have a little more time.

Coffee and Confidence.

As stated above I am extremely extremely caffeinated. I need made it a little too strong this morning. But I am ready to take on the world. I have a lot of things to do. Including finishing my emails to the famous amputees. speaking of which, I had a few then write me back already and I just sent them out last night. That's extremely exciting to me. I didn't expect to get responses so quickly. But I have. I think this is another example of where I don't recognize my being powerful and I sort of cop out and say well who's going to respond to me. But they have responded. So I need to trust myself and trust the universe. And trust that I have the ability to do whatever it is I set my mind to. Especially if there are people around who will support me through whatever it is that I want to do. it's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't have self doubt or at least don't have as much self doubt as you usually have. Confidence is one of the hardest things to maintain. And if you aren't some crazy egotistical asshole, then you won't necessarily have infinite confidence but that doesn't necessarily mean that you shouldn't have it or won't have it at all. I think confidence is something that you can build and grow. I remember being a teenager and feeling like I could do anything I wanted to do. I felt limitless. I felt like nothing would stand in my way. And even in my early twenties and mid twenties, I felt a similar feeling. But nothing compares to when I was a teenager. And I'd love to get that confidence back. Because it was absolutely amazing.

Winter is not my friend

I use to like snow. When I was 10. But then my dad dunked me in a giant pile of snow and my hate began. So now that I'm forced to use the wheelchair in this, I hate it even more. Especially this morning as I rolled up hill to get my ride and slide down the sidewalk on snow, ice and salt. And then had to get dragged through snow to get on the truck because apparently no one thought it necessary to clear any of the area. Thank God the community board mtg is on the 11th. I already have a long list of complaints. In other news, I'm tired. Lmaooooo. I'll be back later when I have more coffee. :)

No more breaks from writing

So I made a promise last week to start writing daily, in conjunction with my movie about my progress walking. At first, I didn't want to do it. I figured that all this back and forth with this blog was better left alone. Buuuuut, this is all part of the story I make up about why I shouldn't do it. And I'll hide, rather than showing my powerfulness. I'm done with that. I guess the difference is now I have landmark in my corner. So tally hooooooo! A lot has been going on since July. Clearly. Pain. Depression. Triumph. More pain. More triumph. I'm going to do a video vlog to go with this. And show things, like me walking. That's been hard. Especially on days when it's butt cold out and the cold goes straight to my joints. Sucks. I think when March comes around, I'll be able to walk better. Unfortunately, that's a month away. I wish I didn't have this pain because it interferes with my progress. Hell, I've even looked into moving warmer places. Because it's getting annoying and hard to deal with. I've looked into natural pain relief but it only works so much against the consistent cold. The only time I feel better is in the shower and smoking MJ. Lmao. I mean, shit, you do what you must to survive. And considering the damage the dilaudid did to my body, I'll take the other option. No side effects. And that's what I need. Anyway, I very well might be back later. I have to do the video and I have landmark stuff to do. See y'all on the flip side.

Feeling lost and alone

This Charlie Countryman movie has brought some feelings and shit out of me. I can't remember the last time I cried. Now I can't sleep. It's morning now so I should get over sleep at this point. 

I avoided watching the movie for a long time. I had a feeling it would hit me hard. I don't know why. I just did. 

And now I'm listening to The Weeknd and laying in bed thinking of how hard being an amputee is. Makes me want to cry. I think of all the mistakes I've made. So fucking many. And it's lead me down this path. It's my own fault. Letting my stress get me so sick. I keep trying  to get away from the stress and it finds me. Sucks me down the vast, dark rabbit hole. And eventually it'll kill me. I know it will. I know what I have to do. Eliminate the stress. But it's hard. Esp when you love the ppl who Stress you. What else can I do? I want to live. So I have to move on from these ppl.  

I'm so stressed right now just dealing with my health crap and trying to find a place to live and spending a lot of time alone. I'm active. I do things daily. 

I dunno. I don't know anymore.

Anyway I'm up. I'm gonna lay here and listen to music. Maybe read. I'll be around. 

You're not better than anyone. Period.

I find more and more people think they're better than me. I'm sorry but who are you? Royalty? The president? A VIP? No one is more important than anyone else. I find so Many human beings that are useless yet make the most money or goods. 

I'm not useless yet I have very little. 

Don't look at me as if I'm nothing.  

I'm everything baby. Period. 

That's all. 

Carry on. 

Feeling just as fat as they think I am

I'm trying to ignore the weight gain but it's hard to ignore when it's been so much. 

I write in my journal usually handwritten and I forget about the blog. I shouldn't. 

Considering I put everything on FB, might as well post here too. Let's hope I remember to do it. 

This nursing home rehab place is fucking with me. Little do they know is that I'll fuck them back. Much harder. 

Anyway, I've never been an over-eater. I've never had any issue with food. I would always eat lots of sweets but never to the point that I gained crazy weight. I work out super hard all the time but the fact that I can't get up and work out the way I want to I'm gaining weight. 

Well fuuuuuuuck that. 

I've got to do something about it. 

It's really getting me down which makes me want to snack more. I don't have healthy snacks so it's bread or whatever. 

I just feel shitty about it, I'm getting slower, and I feel badly about it. I already feel bad about my lack of legs but this makes me feel worse. 

It's really getting to me. :/

In other stuff, I'm trying to get it together with my legs and learning to walk. It's harder than it looks.  Relearning to bend a knee is super hard. I did my best. And I do my best. My best isn't good enough. It's all I can do though. 

I'll be doing what I can. 

Anyway, I'm gonna finish watching Penny Dreadful and then try to do some writing. 

Until later

E

    Over a year ago, before I lost my legs 

It's a new day!

An old post from weeks ago. Things have changed. Hopefully I'll get it soon. 

Getting my first prosthetic today. And I'm super excited. Of course I know it'll be the semi functional one but still. I'll be able to STAND UP! I haven't been able to stand with out pain in 8 months and haven't been able to stand at all in a month. That's rough. That's hard. That's sad. 

I do my very best to try not to get sad or down. 

I'm just excited to get it. Sooooo excited! 

Soon I'll have legs again. They won't be my permanent legs but they'll get me around. :)

Perspicacious--- my dad's name

I was looking up Arabic names with an F. I knew I might run into my dad's name. His name was Firas. I never knew what it meant until now. 

Perspicacious: having or showing an ability to notice and understand things that are difficult or not obvious. 

That was definitely my dad. I got a lot of that from him. I'm amazed that his name means something so close and deep and insightful, for him. 

I'm glad I found it tonight. I've been dreaming about him lately and now his name. He's def trying to tell me something. I just have to open myself and listen. 

I miss you daddy. Ahabek baba. 

It's a new day!

Getting my first prosthetic today. And I'm super excited. Of course I know it'll be the semi functional one but still. I'll be able to STAND UP! I haven't been able to stand with out pain in 8 months and haven't been able to stand at all in a month. That's rough. That's hard. That's sad. 

I do my very best to try not to get sad or down. 

I'm just excited to get it. Sooooo excited! 

Soon I'll have legs again. They won't be my permanent legs but they'll get me around. :)

This pain I'm in aka Sleepless nights

I know it's been a while. A loooong while.

 

But it's another sleepless night. My only saving grace is that I can sleep a few hrs when the sun comes up until my nurse, aide and pt gets here. 

I guess I just need to do something since I'm up and try my best not to think about my foot. Even though I'm going to talk about it :/. 

Anyway, had another fun visit in the clinic today with vascular. I see many docs in the hospital since Bellevue is a teaching hospital but at least I've seen a couple of consistent docs since I've been dealing with these docs since July. 

I guess I need to write about how I feel more. I bottle up way too much and that's never been good for anyone. Who do I talk to about all this though. I haven't been consistent with my therapist since I first entered the hospital in July. Part of me doesn't want to talk about it at all. And another part of me knows I need to let it out. 

I was on cymbalta for a really long time for my nerve damage and then I stopped about 2 wks ago and it's opened this flood gate. I knew I was holding things in but I had no idea just how much until I wasn't on any. I didn't know it blocked my tears so much. And how I felt. I've talked to Dave about it more lately. ESP since I'm thinking about my mortality so much. It's hard not to after your clotting disorder takes one leg and it's trying to take another. I knew having to do the first one would effect me eventually but losing my knee was insanely hard. And I don't know why that killed me so much. Maybe I just felt like I was having too much of myself cut off or taken away from me. Or I was told I'd be ok before but now I wasn't again. Or maybe it finally hit me and was too much for me to handle. 

I don't know. 

And lately, I've just been putting so much out there on FB. I guess bcus I felt so alone and needed to let all this shit out and so FB it was. I'm still surprised so many ppl have been responding and visiting me. Makes me feel less alone than I felt when I had my paralysis and less alone in general. 

3 hours until sunrise. Fun times. I guess I'll try to pass the time writing some fiction. I could use the distraction. Esp with my foot keeping me up. It hurts like hell. Like every night. I thought once I got my pain meds, I'd be ok. But I'm not. The pain hasn't gone away. 

Sigh. Shit. I know where this is heading. 

I probably won't like it either. 

Oh well. 

I'll do my best to write more often. Perhaps even weekly or more. I have the blogger app so really I'm only procrastinating the necessary. Plus writing personally will help me writing other things like I use to do all the time. I'd like to get that back. 

See you soon. 

Peace. 

Need to get some things off my chest

I guess i have alot on my mind these days. Feeling like I have so much falling apart but strangely stable. Im tired of NYC. I cant deal with alot of the crap. Even tho I want to live in Brooklyn. I just dont know anymore. VA was great in Nov. I guess Ill write later. I keep getting distracted.

New headband and new jewelry pics to come!

I meant to put this up a while ago. I made it in no time and put it on to take a pic. So here it is. :)

Along with some of the earrings, the headbands are the biggest sellers. Especially with the little girls.

And why not? They're super cute!

Don't worry. I've made a lot of new things so there are a TON of new pics to come!

Stay tuned!

Peace!
Eman