self-fulfilling prophesies

i just woke from a dream where my lupus was getting out of control again. and i traveled around trying to do things about it but it wouldn't help. so i started faking again, that i was well. and then i finally told my family how serious it gotten. they were different ppl than they really are. and they were so hell bent on me going to a lupus clinic that was better. and they felt so responsible for the way i was, as if my lupus was their fault.

these self-fulfilling prophesies, violently waking inside of me.

how sad that even in my head, my lupus is killing me off. (i dunno y the name dr. kessler keeps jumping at me) anyway, im gona try to go bck to sleep.

Forever Young

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost. Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm stuck. -Coldplay, Lost

Let us die young or live forever.

I can't place how i'm feeling right now. i wonder if im going to be cut off from most of my emotions forever. i wonder if i could even handle dealing with them in a mire head on approach.

of course i never finished the thoughts above. eh well. maybe another time.



yeah, venting. if only letting it out made me feel better, but it doesn't. the video says enough, so yep.

once again, maybe i'll get up on it and say something more with my words.

The past and its ugly head....Part 2

The part2 to the last video. Sorry it took so long. Soooo much has been going on. I'll do a video about it today.

the past and its ugly head

i woke up this morning, around 6:30am, thinking of the past. 14 or so years ago, in the past. I must've been dreaming about it and saw something that bothered me, because i woke very abruptly, as if i were in the middle of something. at least thats how it felt. interrupted. like my life, in general.

its never fun to relive memories that gave you nightmares for a long time. i wonder every time i think about it, if its that evil presence putting it in the universe for me to think about. i dont know. i'm just overtired and not in the mood. i just want to get the hell out of here. i hate this place, the food, the half ass therapy, the aides, and this fucking wheelchair. i'm sick of it all!

anyway, here it is. the vids. i'm going to try and relax my mind.


here's the latest couple of videos...a silly one i forgot about and then my usual vlog entry.

prepare yourself for some extra honesty


funny lil video

Dragging on and on and on.....Part 1

I feel as though the days are never ending. Eh well. Here ya go.

Taking it a day at a time

i was watching a show and this guy liked this woman and instead of texting or emailing, he wrote her a note and wrote,"Will you go out with me?", "check yes, no, maybe. And it took me back to middle school and getting notes full of boxes needing checks. And it made me smile, longing for the days where a moment could be simple. A question. 3 boxes. 3 potential answers. Please check one. ::sigh::

if only everything were as easy and simple as 3 boxes to choose from.

but its not. in fact, real life went and kicked the boxes' asses and now its ready to kick my ass. i haven't talked about whats going on. i want to, but i haven't.

anyway, videos are here:

illcentric...extra nice and worth sharing

I just had to share this bcus it was just really deep and this dude is really great.


AND THEN




I'll have more of my own videos later today when i can find my wire :)

Taking it a day at a time

I'm getting back into my writing more and more. I guess doing the writing workshop at silvercrest is helping stir up the sleeping words inside. Its stil a pretty slow start. It comes and goes.

Anyway, here are the videos. I guess i'll be more talkative latr or on the next videos.


Yes I was piiiiissssed off. What can I do but let it out. Well, I did more than let it out. I filed a complaint against said douche bag and kept it moving.





Having a laugh or several with my hugger-muggers yo!




until later

e

Trying to find peace♥

I couldn't help it. It was like I had lighting and thunder rolling through me, forcing me to push the storm out of my body.And the other night, a knock down, drag out fight raged inside of me. Storming my emotions to and fro, like a tree in between the raging winds and rain. I felt it. You can see it. It's been brewing for a long time and I finally had something else happen to add the last straw that broke me into submission.

I'm getting bck to myself though. I'm not as distraught as i was the other day.

Anyway, here it is.




As Cat power says, I never meant to be the camel that broke your back.

Trying, just a little bit harder

Here's the next blog

Sometimes the world IS crashing down around you

There's always a small possibility (or a large one) that one or more aspects of your life is tumbling, full speed, down a hill.
Shit happens sometimes. What can you do?

I was watching this show Parenting and one of the characters, a dad, found out that his 15 yr old daughter was dating this guy that he didn't know about. (SIDE NOTE: The thing about these shows is that every time I watch them I sort of wish I had that because they're semi-large families, always there for each other, have get-together dinners and stuff and although they aren't perfect, they are supportive and there.) And when I watched them argue and then watched a later scene when the mom came and talked to the daughter about the dad and how he loved her and just didn't want to lose his daughter and wanted to know who this guy was and how the arguing from a dad and rebellion and dating from the daughter is normal and everyone goes through, i remembered my dad and the time he came by my moms house when i was 14 and hanging out with this boy, talking and standing a little to close and how they had a scary look into eachothers eyes like men match and i had to tell the boy to chill out and leave because my dad was going to flip out. And he did and i did and later my mom came and had a talk with me, about how my dad loves me and doesn't want to see me with boys...and also how i was too young and who was he and how did i know him and, etc etc etc.

the point is, is that that is what happens. teenagers piss off their parents and vice versa. technically its the changes in teenage hormones that make them prone to outrageous behavior. and some ppl grow into more mature responsible ppl and others get a rush out of taking risks and keep on it until something or someone convinces them otherwise.

In any event, the "shit" that happens that I was talking about was lifes shit. Lifes giant dump that happens to land in one stinking pile on your head. And the stench? Takes forever to come out because thats part of the lesson.

Sometimes the world is crashing down around you...and sometimes it turns out to be ok...it just takes time to be ok, is all.

anyway, video time.
until tomorrow, which is actually today,
e

PS: I was REALLY sleepy when I made the video. And since its just about 4am, I might be sleepy in the next video too...eh well.

Fake, lying pieces of shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything has once again, fallen apart. My insides are slowly melting into puddles of gooey.

I am so sick n fucking tired of ppl yelling at me giving me their fucking attitudes about things I have no control over. Because they want to be surrounded by Yes Men. Fuck that noise! I'm nobodys fuckin puppet. If ur wrong ur going to hear my mouth. Why should u be the only one mouthing off. U pop off. I'm gonna pop off. Simple. I got a lot more patient and calm ovr the years but the last several months of being sick, almost dying twice, dealing with ignorant idiots who think they kno everything but actually kno nothing. I'm sick of all the fake fucking ppl. Everywhere! Soooo fake. I'm real all the time and that's what they can't deal with. Whatever. Anyway, I'm to get togethr for my fake OT.



Enough said. For now, at least.

eman

Eman 2.0: Ready for duty!

I made my first video tonight. The first video in a very very long time.



I hope it works out. I dont want any disasters to happen like the last time I was making videos. I guess omission is just as bad, if not worse than lying sometimes.

My 2nd video of the week



AND the 3rd video of the week



I guess the videos can speak for themselves right now. I want to write about it, but I dont feel like getting emotional, so I'll leave it at that for now. At least there are videos.

Until the next installment.

E

And then there was Eman

The past 9 months have been craptastic. BUT the last 6 months in the hospitals and rehab have been EXTRA shittastic! Do I even want to get into all of it? I'm not entirely sure I can. I've tried the last few months several times to just let go and write about it, but its hard. A lot happened. Alot of things that i wish i could remember and a lot i wish i could forget.

I guess for now I want to open up my mind to writing again, on a regular basis. Its killing me inch by slow inch to b closed up like this and let it all out, especially after all the shit my Lupus has put me through. The last 9 years has been my own private nightmare and the last 12 months of paralysis and almost dying and not feeling my feet or legs and having a non-working left hand AND having all kinds of ppl flake on me.

OK. I'm done. For now at least. Hopefully ill be able to keep it flowing. Especially since Silvercrest is an emotional and creative draining place.

We'll see.

I'll be around.

Word of the Day Poem 28-39

Word of the day Poem 28:
Espy

In the distance
you hide
almost in plain sight
as if my third eye
were closed to the lie

Eye
can
see you

Catching glimpses
of your shadow dance
through the corner

Its clearer that way

You play a game with me
Claws retracting, reacting
catching bits of
cloth
but you never catch me

Catcher can't catch
Because I see you

Eye
see
you

But you can't
see me

----------
Word of the day Poem 29
Abstemious

Keep back from me
Hold me at arms length
just enough to touch
the tips of my curls
with the tips
of your needy
hungry
wanting
fingers

Stand away
Have a care as to how
you tease a creature
who regularly goes
without

Whose abstemious
behavior
could put
a nun
to shame

I am not sexless
but I am unsexed
not a woman
not a being
not a beating
libido

I am made
of water
fluid
flowing
and many want to
swim through me
but few can actually
handle
my waves

Stand to the side
and watch me
but keep your distance
from this soul

Because I know
and you know
that if I am without it
then I don't want it
but if I am teased and given
little
I will hunger, thirst
crave
and I'd rather forget
it was even
there.
-----------

Word of the Day Poem 30:
Oneiric

Close my eyes
to sway and swoon
laying together by
the light
of the moon

Sweet touch
Sweet kiss
Embrace I miss
To part from bliss
Just lost in this
oneiric thought
of your lips

Change me
like in
Metamorphosis
into this cocooned
love
knowing deep inside
that human words
will never be enough

So trap me
in sweet night
lullabies
and close
my eyes

Have the Sandman
take me by the hand
and show me to your side
in dreams
to play
to feel
to ride
half full
of anticipation
for the surprise inside

My imagination
can come up with
all kinds of things
so wrap me
around
your fingers
like our lovers
rings
and let me dream
dream
dream.
------------

Word of the day Poem 31:
Prestidigitation

Wrapped around your fingers
like the curls
that linger at the base
of my neck
you move me
deep inside
in the tiny pumping
chambers of my heart
you work me
prestidigitation
clearly
gliding from your veins
to mine
glittering
my eyes
blinding me to
the times
when things don't seem
worth fighting for

Loving someone
is a little bit
like tangoing
with magic tricks
slighting hands
rabbits and hats
long black wands
my heart
in your palm
to massage when the magic
is ready and warm.....
--------------

Word of the day Poem 32:
Aver

Twist me into
affirmation
proclaiming
that yes,
I am a rock
unturned

A declaration
of my
independence
from this world

Alone
but never forgotten

Aver
through solitude
grateful
for
sanity
through
the dismantling
of my land

I grow weary
of this place

Ill move on to greater stakes

Hold stronger
in your convictions.
---------------

Word of the day Poem 33:
Effulgence

From my heart to yours
Light the way
Brilliance
Illuminating
The sorrows
Away

Sway me in your direction
Fighting to stay awake
Deceptions is a tricky thing
Dims the room
Dims the soul
Takes control and leaves you breathless
Losing consciousness

Wrap me in your sunshine
Away from the lull of depressions
I am completely yours

I am completely yours.
----------

Word of the day Poem 34:
Salutary

It has left me
never there
doesn't care
to enter
this system
missing in action
and so i am left
defenseless
crippled by
the lacking

and if in the end
all that is left
of me
is the memory
of beauty

well, then

i'll live in the dreams
of the former
me
inviting
hallucinations
to proclaim my existence

keeping the
happiness of past tense
close to my fleeting sanity
as
salutary
visions of my youth
bring me home
to the Universe.
-----------------

Word of the day Poem 35:
Gravid

Gravid
feelings pull at
my insides
like the tiny
fingers of children
pulling at mothers
aprons

I feel you

Asleep
deep
inside

Waiting to start a riot

Your birth will be
a fire starting
turning the clay
of this earth
into fine grains
of sand
and demanding
attention

You will be great
my sleeping beauty

For inside of me
you write vivid dreams
of ancestry
of honesty
of homecoming

And I know
that birthing you
will ignite clear
clarion change
saving insanity
saving humanity
release gravity
into floating
lands
and we
will watch the rising
sun and moon and be

You tug at me

Asleep
Deep
Inside

And I can't wait
to look into your eyes

And tell you how much
I love the passion inside
of you
My Revolution
Child.
-----------

Word of the day 36:
Nimiety

Nimiety
in my heart
like a rush of blood
deep in the
canals of my
ears
too
damn
much
but never enough
for them

I am left
emotionless
on
GO
but never knowing
when I can turn
myself
back on

So I am off
on
GO

Auto.....matic

yes ma'am
yes sir
yes fam

yes

yes

Nimiety
winding freely
excess
like
overbearing
witness
to crimes
being committed
in my soul
no control
over what they
say
how they act
what reaction
to protract

Only GO
paused emotion
no solution
to the excess

Can't even run
away

Trapped
in the cycle
running
in circles
feeling psycho
walking
this
tight rope

Walking
this
tight rope

Lets hope
I don't
fall.
-----------

Word of the day Poem 37:
Ebullient for Miss May, rest her soul

Ebullient
in her step
she waltz through
rooms
classic
vibrant
a facing row of
shiny teeth
to share her joy
with you

I remember her
and the earthy
smell of her neck as she
came close
to hug me
console me
give me sugar free candies
that sat in a
crystal bowl
on her coffee table

A woman should be
like she was
in her womanhood

Confident, but never with ego
Beautiful, but never conceded
Giving, without expecting anything in return

Ebullient
in her step
entering
the pearly gates
now resting
in her place
with God.
------------

Word of the day Poem 38:
Clandestine

Wrap me in
secret
gauzed and cushioned
by the blow
a clandestine
attempt to steal me away
from this place
that is not my home

strangle the life
from me in my sleep
as i dream of
painless walking
consuming me
dissolved
back into the earth
from whence I came

kill this poison in me
for i am the poison
i am the deception
the lie
within the lie
the disease eating away at me

do it in the still
of the night
in the silence
of the sky
when no eyes
are gazing in my direction
be stealth
secret
slick
like the back of a whale
and let me slide away
falling
like
the last grain of sand
the last drop of water
dried and gone
filled to the brim
and then flashed away

Wrap me in secret
quiet and peaceful
take me in my slumber
for i can not bear the burn
i am not build for this
you may think
i am strong enough
but i am not
i am not

i am not

so free me
from this torture
this prison of
a body
wrapped in a pretty package
peel away the wrapping paper
and cover me
in dirt
6 feet under, beneath the water
where its safe and warm
but no body should remain

all i want left of me
is ash flying in the wind
i want to fly
weightless
free from this

so do it
do it for me
and be clandestine
so that no one may stop you.
---------------

Word of the day Poem 39:
Badinage

badinage
in my ear
sweet nothings
are all i hear
through the heat
and closeness
of your lips
through your
breathy words
and your kiss
just to close
my eyes and witness
the playful dance
of your finger tips

badinage
in my ear
sweet nothings
to bring me here
lull me to sleep
through the torment and pain
so that loving words
are all that
remain.