Feeling lost and alone

This Charlie Countryman movie has brought some feelings and shit out of me. I can't remember the last time I cried. Now I can't sleep. It's morning now so I should get over sleep at this point. 

I avoided watching the movie for a long time. I had a feeling it would hit me hard. I don't know why. I just did. 

And now I'm listening to The Weeknd and laying in bed thinking of how hard being an amputee is. Makes me want to cry. I think of all the mistakes I've made. So fucking many. And it's lead me down this path. It's my own fault. Letting my stress get me so sick. I keep trying  to get away from the stress and it finds me. Sucks me down the vast, dark rabbit hole. And eventually it'll kill me. I know it will. I know what I have to do. Eliminate the stress. But it's hard. Esp when you love the ppl who Stress you. What else can I do? I want to live. So I have to move on from these ppl.  

I'm so stressed right now just dealing with my health crap and trying to find a place to live and spending a lot of time alone. I'm active. I do things daily. 

I dunno. I don't know anymore.

Anyway I'm up. I'm gonna lay here and listen to music. Maybe read. I'll be around. 

You're not better than anyone. Period.

I find more and more people think they're better than me. I'm sorry but who are you? Royalty? The president? A VIP? No one is more important than anyone else. I find so Many human beings that are useless yet make the most money or goods. 

I'm not useless yet I have very little. 

Don't look at me as if I'm nothing.  

I'm everything baby. Period. 

That's all. 

Carry on. 

Feeling just as fat as they think I am

I'm trying to ignore the weight gain but it's hard to ignore when it's been so much. 

I write in my journal usually handwritten and I forget about the blog. I shouldn't. 

Considering I put everything on FB, might as well post here too. Let's hope I remember to do it. 

This nursing home rehab place is fucking with me. Little do they know is that I'll fuck them back. Much harder. 

Anyway, I've never been an over-eater. I've never had any issue with food. I would always eat lots of sweets but never to the point that I gained crazy weight. I work out super hard all the time but the fact that I can't get up and work out the way I want to I'm gaining weight. 

Well fuuuuuuuck that. 

I've got to do something about it. 

It's really getting me down which makes me want to snack more. I don't have healthy snacks so it's bread or whatever. 

I just feel shitty about it, I'm getting slower, and I feel badly about it. I already feel bad about my lack of legs but this makes me feel worse. 

It's really getting to me. :/

In other stuff, I'm trying to get it together with my legs and learning to walk. It's harder than it looks.  Relearning to bend a knee is super hard. I did my best. And I do my best. My best isn't good enough. It's all I can do though. 

I'll be doing what I can. 

Anyway, I'm gonna finish watching Penny Dreadful and then try to do some writing. 

Until later

E

    Over a year ago, before I lost my legs 

It's a new day!

An old post from weeks ago. Things have changed. Hopefully I'll get it soon. 

Getting my first prosthetic today. And I'm super excited. Of course I know it'll be the semi functional one but still. I'll be able to STAND UP! I haven't been able to stand with out pain in 8 months and haven't been able to stand at all in a month. That's rough. That's hard. That's sad. 

I do my very best to try not to get sad or down. 

I'm just excited to get it. Sooooo excited! 

Soon I'll have legs again. They won't be my permanent legs but they'll get me around. :)

Perspicacious--- my dad's name

I was looking up Arabic names with an F. I knew I might run into my dad's name. His name was Firas. I never knew what it meant until now. 

Perspicacious: having or showing an ability to notice and understand things that are difficult or not obvious. 

That was definitely my dad. I got a lot of that from him. I'm amazed that his name means something so close and deep and insightful, for him. 

I'm glad I found it tonight. I've been dreaming about him lately and now his name. He's def trying to tell me something. I just have to open myself and listen. 

I miss you daddy. Ahabek baba. 

It's a new day!

Getting my first prosthetic today. And I'm super excited. Of course I know it'll be the semi functional one but still. I'll be able to STAND UP! I haven't been able to stand with out pain in 8 months and haven't been able to stand at all in a month. That's rough. That's hard. That's sad. 

I do my very best to try not to get sad or down. 

I'm just excited to get it. Sooooo excited! 

Soon I'll have legs again. They won't be my permanent legs but they'll get me around. :)