Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost. Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm stuck. -Coldplay, Lost
Let us die young or live forever.
I can't place how i'm feeling right now. i wonder if im going to be cut off from most of my emotions forever. i wonder if i could even handle dealing with them in a mire head on approach.
of course i never finished the thoughts above. eh well. maybe another time.
yeah, venting. if only letting it out made me feel better, but it doesn't. the video says enough, so yep.
once again, maybe i'll get up on it and say something more with my words.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
The past and its ugly head....Part 2
The part2 to the last video. Sorry it took so long. Soooo much has been going on. I'll do a video about it today.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
the past and its ugly head
i woke up this morning, around 6:30am, thinking of the past. 14 or so years ago, in the past. I must've been dreaming about it and saw something that bothered me, because i woke very abruptly, as if i were in the middle of something. at least thats how it felt. interrupted. like my life, in general.
its never fun to relive memories that gave you nightmares for a long time. i wonder every time i think about it, if its that evil presence putting it in the universe for me to think about. i dont know. i'm just overtired and not in the mood. i just want to get the hell out of here. i hate this place, the food, the half ass therapy, the aides, and this fucking wheelchair. i'm sick of it all!
anyway, here it is. the vids. i'm going to try and relax my mind.
here's the latest couple of videos...a silly one i forgot about and then my usual vlog entry.
prepare yourself for some extra honesty
funny lil video
its never fun to relive memories that gave you nightmares for a long time. i wonder every time i think about it, if its that evil presence putting it in the universe for me to think about. i dont know. i'm just overtired and not in the mood. i just want to get the hell out of here. i hate this place, the food, the half ass therapy, the aides, and this fucking wheelchair. i'm sick of it all!
anyway, here it is. the vids. i'm going to try and relax my mind.
here's the latest couple of videos...a silly one i forgot about and then my usual vlog entry.
prepare yourself for some extra honesty
funny lil video
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Dragging on and on and on.....Part 1
I feel as though the days are never ending. Eh well. Here ya go.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Taking it a day at a time
i was watching a show and this guy liked this woman and instead of texting or emailing, he wrote her a note and wrote,"Will you go out with me?", "check yes, no, maybe. And it took me back to middle school and getting notes full of boxes needing checks. And it made me smile, longing for the days where a moment could be simple. A question. 3 boxes. 3 potential answers. Please check one. ::sigh::
if only everything were as easy and simple as 3 boxes to choose from.
but its not. in fact, real life went and kicked the boxes' asses and now its ready to kick my ass. i haven't talked about whats going on. i want to, but i haven't.
anyway, videos are here:
if only everything were as easy and simple as 3 boxes to choose from.
but its not. in fact, real life went and kicked the boxes' asses and now its ready to kick my ass. i haven't talked about whats going on. i want to, but i haven't.
anyway, videos are here:
Monday, April 12, 2010
illcentric...extra nice and worth sharing
I just had to share this bcus it was just really deep and this dude is really great.
AND THEN
I'll have more of my own videos later today when i can find my wire :)
AND THEN
I'll have more of my own videos later today when i can find my wire :)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Taking it a day at a time
I'm getting back into my writing more and more. I guess doing the writing workshop at silvercrest is helping stir up the sleeping words inside. Its stil a pretty slow start. It comes and goes.
Anyway, here are the videos. I guess i'll be more talkative latr or on the next videos.
Yes I was piiiiissssed off. What can I do but let it out. Well, I did more than let it out. I filed a complaint against said douche bag and kept it moving.
Having a laugh or several with my hugger-muggers yo!
until later
e
Anyway, here are the videos. I guess i'll be more talkative latr or on the next videos.
Yes I was piiiiissssed off. What can I do but let it out. Well, I did more than let it out. I filed a complaint against said douche bag and kept it moving.
Having a laugh or several with my hugger-muggers yo!
until later
e
Monday, March 29, 2010
Trying to find peace♥
I couldn't help it. It was like I had lighting and thunder rolling through me, forcing me to push the storm out of my body.And the other night, a knock down, drag out fight raged inside of me. Storming my emotions to and fro, like a tree in between the raging winds and rain. I felt it. You can see it. It's been brewing for a long time and I finally had something else happen to add the last straw that broke me into submission.
I'm getting bck to myself though. I'm not as distraught as i was the other day.
Anyway, here it is.
As Cat power says, I never meant to be the camel that broke your back.
I'm getting bck to myself though. I'm not as distraught as i was the other day.
Anyway, here it is.
As Cat power says, I never meant to be the camel that broke your back.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sometimes the world IS crashing down around you
There's always a small possibility (or a large one) that one or more aspects of your life is tumbling, full speed, down a hill.
Shit happens sometimes. What can you do?
I was watching this show Parenting and one of the characters, a dad, found out that his 15 yr old daughter was dating this guy that he didn't know about. (SIDE NOTE: The thing about these shows is that every time I watch them I sort of wish I had that because they're semi-large families, always there for each other, have get-together dinners and stuff and although they aren't perfect, they are supportive and there.) And when I watched them argue and then watched a later scene when the mom came and talked to the daughter about the dad and how he loved her and just didn't want to lose his daughter and wanted to know who this guy was and how the arguing from a dad and rebellion and dating from the daughter is normal and everyone goes through, i remembered my dad and the time he came by my moms house when i was 14 and hanging out with this boy, talking and standing a little to close and how they had a scary look into eachothers eyes like men match and i had to tell the boy to chill out and leave because my dad was going to flip out. And he did and i did and later my mom came and had a talk with me, about how my dad loves me and doesn't want to see me with boys...and also how i was too young and who was he and how did i know him and, etc etc etc.
the point is, is that that is what happens. teenagers piss off their parents and vice versa. technically its the changes in teenage hormones that make them prone to outrageous behavior. and some ppl grow into more mature responsible ppl and others get a rush out of taking risks and keep on it until something or someone convinces them otherwise.
In any event, the "shit" that happens that I was talking about was lifes shit. Lifes giant dump that happens to land in one stinking pile on your head. And the stench? Takes forever to come out because thats part of the lesson.
Sometimes the world is crashing down around you...and sometimes it turns out to be ok...it just takes time to be ok, is all.
anyway, video time.
until tomorrow, which is actually today,
e
PS: I was REALLY sleepy when I made the video. And since its just about 4am, I might be sleepy in the next video too...eh well.
Shit happens sometimes. What can you do?
I was watching this show Parenting and one of the characters, a dad, found out that his 15 yr old daughter was dating this guy that he didn't know about. (SIDE NOTE: The thing about these shows is that every time I watch them I sort of wish I had that because they're semi-large families, always there for each other, have get-together dinners and stuff and although they aren't perfect, they are supportive and there.) And when I watched them argue and then watched a later scene when the mom came and talked to the daughter about the dad and how he loved her and just didn't want to lose his daughter and wanted to know who this guy was and how the arguing from a dad and rebellion and dating from the daughter is normal and everyone goes through, i remembered my dad and the time he came by my moms house when i was 14 and hanging out with this boy, talking and standing a little to close and how they had a scary look into eachothers eyes like men match and i had to tell the boy to chill out and leave because my dad was going to flip out. And he did and i did and later my mom came and had a talk with me, about how my dad loves me and doesn't want to see me with boys...and also how i was too young and who was he and how did i know him and, etc etc etc.
the point is, is that that is what happens. teenagers piss off their parents and vice versa. technically its the changes in teenage hormones that make them prone to outrageous behavior. and some ppl grow into more mature responsible ppl and others get a rush out of taking risks and keep on it until something or someone convinces them otherwise.
In any event, the "shit" that happens that I was talking about was lifes shit. Lifes giant dump that happens to land in one stinking pile on your head. And the stench? Takes forever to come out because thats part of the lesson.
Sometimes the world is crashing down around you...and sometimes it turns out to be ok...it just takes time to be ok, is all.
anyway, video time.
until tomorrow, which is actually today,
e
PS: I was REALLY sleepy when I made the video. And since its just about 4am, I might be sleepy in the next video too...eh well.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Fake, lying pieces of shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everything has once again, fallen apart. My insides are slowly melting into puddles of gooey.
I am so sick n fucking tired of ppl yelling at me giving me their fucking attitudes about things I have no control over. Because they want to be surrounded by Yes Men. Fuck that noise! I'm nobodys fuckin puppet. If ur wrong ur going to hear my mouth. Why should u be the only one mouthing off. U pop off. I'm gonna pop off. Simple. I got a lot more patient and calm ovr the years but the last several months of being sick, almost dying twice, dealing with ignorant idiots who think they kno everything but actually kno nothing. I'm sick of all the fake fucking ppl. Everywhere! Soooo fake. I'm real all the time and that's what they can't deal with. Whatever. Anyway, I'm to get togethr for my fake OT.
Enough said. For now, at least.
eman
I am so sick n fucking tired of ppl yelling at me giving me their fucking attitudes about things I have no control over. Because they want to be surrounded by Yes Men. Fuck that noise! I'm nobodys fuckin puppet. If ur wrong ur going to hear my mouth. Why should u be the only one mouthing off. U pop off. I'm gonna pop off. Simple. I got a lot more patient and calm ovr the years but the last several months of being sick, almost dying twice, dealing with ignorant idiots who think they kno everything but actually kno nothing. I'm sick of all the fake fucking ppl. Everywhere! Soooo fake. I'm real all the time and that's what they can't deal with. Whatever. Anyway, I'm to get togethr for my fake OT.
Enough said. For now, at least.
eman
Friday, March 19, 2010
Eman 2.0: Ready for duty!
I made my first video tonight. The first video in a very very long time.
I hope it works out. I dont want any disasters to happen like the last time I was making videos. I guess omission is just as bad, if not worse than lying sometimes.
My 2nd video of the week
AND the 3rd video of the week
I guess the videos can speak for themselves right now. I want to write about it, but I dont feel like getting emotional, so I'll leave it at that for now. At least there are videos.
Until the next installment.
E
I hope it works out. I dont want any disasters to happen like the last time I was making videos. I guess omission is just as bad, if not worse than lying sometimes.
My 2nd video of the week
AND the 3rd video of the week
I guess the videos can speak for themselves right now. I want to write about it, but I dont feel like getting emotional, so I'll leave it at that for now. At least there are videos.
Until the next installment.
E
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
And then there was Eman
The past 9 months have been craptastic. BUT the last 6 months in the hospitals and rehab have been EXTRA shittastic! Do I even want to get into all of it? I'm not entirely sure I can. I've tried the last few months several times to just let go and write about it, but its hard. A lot happened. Alot of things that i wish i could remember and a lot i wish i could forget.
I guess for now I want to open up my mind to writing again, on a regular basis. Its killing me inch by slow inch to b closed up like this and let it all out, especially after all the shit my Lupus has put me through. The last 9 years has been my own private nightmare and the last 12 months of paralysis and almost dying and not feeling my feet or legs and having a non-working left hand AND having all kinds of ppl flake on me.
OK. I'm done. For now at least. Hopefully ill be able to keep it flowing. Especially since Silvercrest is an emotional and creative draining place.
We'll see.
I'll be around.
I guess for now I want to open up my mind to writing again, on a regular basis. Its killing me inch by slow inch to b closed up like this and let it all out, especially after all the shit my Lupus has put me through. The last 9 years has been my own private nightmare and the last 12 months of paralysis and almost dying and not feeling my feet or legs and having a non-working left hand AND having all kinds of ppl flake on me.
OK. I'm done. For now at least. Hopefully ill be able to keep it flowing. Especially since Silvercrest is an emotional and creative draining place.
We'll see.
I'll be around.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Word of the Day Poem 28-39
Word of the day Poem 28:
Espy
In the distance
you hide
almost in plain sight
as if my third eye
were closed to the lie
Eye
can
see you
Catching glimpses
of your shadow dance
through the corner
Its clearer that way
You play a game with me
Claws retracting, reacting
catching bits of
cloth
but you never catch me
Catcher can't catch
Because I see you
Eye
see
you
But you can't
see me
----------
Word of the day Poem 29
Abstemious
Keep back from me
Hold me at arms length
just enough to touch
the tips of my curls
with the tips
of your needy
hungry
wanting
fingers
Stand away
Have a care as to how
you tease a creature
who regularly goes
without
Whose abstemious
behavior
could put
a nun
to shame
I am not sexless
but I am unsexed
not a woman
not a being
not a beating
libido
I am made
of water
fluid
flowing
and many want to
swim through me
but few can actually
handle
my waves
Stand to the side
and watch me
but keep your distance
from this soul
Because I know
and you know
that if I am without it
then I don't want it
but if I am teased and given
little
I will hunger, thirst
crave
and I'd rather forget
it was even
there.
-----------
Word of the Day Poem 30:
Oneiric
Close my eyes
to sway and swoon
laying together by
the light
of the moon
Sweet touch
Sweet kiss
Embrace I miss
To part from bliss
Just lost in this
oneiric thought
of your lips
Change me
like in
Metamorphosis
into this cocooned
love
knowing deep inside
that human words
will never be enough
So trap me
in sweet night
lullabies
and close
my eyes
Have the Sandman
take me by the hand
and show me to your side
in dreams
to play
to feel
to ride
half full
of anticipation
for the surprise inside
My imagination
can come up with
all kinds of things
so wrap me
around
your fingers
like our lovers
rings
and let me dream
dream
dream.
------------
Word of the day Poem 31:
Prestidigitation
Wrapped around your fingers
like the curls
that linger at the base
of my neck
you move me
deep inside
in the tiny pumping
chambers of my heart
you work me
prestidigitation
clearly
gliding from your veins
to mine
glittering
my eyes
blinding me to
the times
when things don't seem
worth fighting for
Loving someone
is a little bit
like tangoing
with magic tricks
slighting hands
rabbits and hats
long black wands
my heart
in your palm
to massage when the magic
is ready and warm.....
--------------
Word of the day Poem 32:
Aver
Twist me into
affirmation
proclaiming
that yes,
I am a rock
unturned
A declaration
of my
independence
from this world
Alone
but never forgotten
Aver
through solitude
grateful
for
sanity
through
the dismantling
of my land
I grow weary
of this place
Ill move on to greater stakes
Hold stronger
in your convictions.
---------------
Word of the day Poem 33:
Effulgence
From my heart to yours
Light the way
Brilliance
Illuminating
The sorrows
Away
Sway me in your direction
Fighting to stay awake
Deceptions is a tricky thing
Dims the room
Dims the soul
Takes control and leaves you breathless
Losing consciousness
Wrap me in your sunshine
Away from the lull of depressions
I am completely yours
I am completely yours.
----------
Word of the day Poem 34:
Salutary
It has left me
never there
doesn't care
to enter
this system
missing in action
and so i am left
defenseless
crippled by
the lacking
and if in the end
all that is left
of me
is the memory
of beauty
well, then
i'll live in the dreams
of the former
me
inviting
hallucinations
to proclaim my existence
keeping the
happiness of past tense
close to my fleeting sanity
as
salutary
visions of my youth
bring me home
to the Universe.
-----------------
Word of the day Poem 35:
Gravid
Gravid
feelings pull at
my insides
like the tiny
fingers of children
pulling at mothers
aprons
I feel you
Asleep
deep
inside
Waiting to start a riot
Your birth will be
a fire starting
turning the clay
of this earth
into fine grains
of sand
and demanding
attention
You will be great
my sleeping beauty
For inside of me
you write vivid dreams
of ancestry
of honesty
of homecoming
And I know
that birthing you
will ignite clear
clarion change
saving insanity
saving humanity
release gravity
into floating
lands
and we
will watch the rising
sun and moon and be
You tug at me
Asleep
Deep
Inside
And I can't wait
to look into your eyes
And tell you how much
I love the passion inside
of you
My Revolution
Child.
-----------
Word of the day 36:
Nimiety
Nimiety
in my heart
like a rush of blood
deep in the
canals of my
ears
too
damn
much
but never enough
for them
I am left
emotionless
on
GO
but never knowing
when I can turn
myself
back on
So I am off
on
GO
Auto.....matic
yes ma'am
yes sir
yes fam
yes
yes
Nimiety
winding freely
excess
like
overbearing
witness
to crimes
being committed
in my soul
no control
over what they
say
how they act
what reaction
to protract
Only GO
paused emotion
no solution
to the excess
Can't even run
away
Trapped
in the cycle
running
in circles
feeling psycho
walking
this
tight rope
Walking
this
tight rope
Lets hope
I don't
fall.
-----------
Word of the day Poem 37:
Ebullient for Miss May, rest her soul
Ebullient
in her step
she waltz through
rooms
classic
vibrant
a facing row of
shiny teeth
to share her joy
with you
I remember her
and the earthy
smell of her neck as she
came close
to hug me
console me
give me sugar free candies
that sat in a
crystal bowl
on her coffee table
A woman should be
like she was
in her womanhood
Confident, but never with ego
Beautiful, but never conceded
Giving, without expecting anything in return
Ebullient
in her step
entering
the pearly gates
now resting
in her place
with God.
------------
Word of the day Poem 38:
Clandestine
Wrap me in
secret
gauzed and cushioned
by the blow
a clandestine
attempt to steal me away
from this place
that is not my home
strangle the life
from me in my sleep
as i dream of
painless walking
consuming me
dissolved
back into the earth
from whence I came
kill this poison in me
for i am the poison
i am the deception
the lie
within the lie
the disease eating away at me
do it in the still
of the night
in the silence
of the sky
when no eyes
are gazing in my direction
be stealth
secret
slick
like the back of a whale
and let me slide away
falling
like
the last grain of sand
the last drop of water
dried and gone
filled to the brim
and then flashed away
Wrap me in secret
quiet and peaceful
take me in my slumber
for i can not bear the burn
i am not build for this
you may think
i am strong enough
but i am not
i am not
i am not
so free me
from this torture
this prison of
a body
wrapped in a pretty package
peel away the wrapping paper
and cover me
in dirt
6 feet under, beneath the water
where its safe and warm
but no body should remain
all i want left of me
is ash flying in the wind
i want to fly
weightless
free from this
so do it
do it for me
and be clandestine
so that no one may stop you.
---------------
Word of the day Poem 39:
Badinage
badinage
in my ear
sweet nothings
are all i hear
through the heat
and closeness
of your lips
through your
breathy words
and your kiss
just to close
my eyes and witness
the playful dance
of your finger tips
badinage
in my ear
sweet nothings
to bring me here
lull me to sleep
through the torment and pain
so that loving words
are all that
remain.
Espy
In the distance
you hide
almost in plain sight
as if my third eye
were closed to the lie
Eye
can
see you
Catching glimpses
of your shadow dance
through the corner
Its clearer that way
You play a game with me
Claws retracting, reacting
catching bits of
cloth
but you never catch me
Catcher can't catch
Because I see you
Eye
see
you
But you can't
see me
----------
Word of the day Poem 29
Abstemious
Keep back from me
Hold me at arms length
just enough to touch
the tips of my curls
with the tips
of your needy
hungry
wanting
fingers
Stand away
Have a care as to how
you tease a creature
who regularly goes
without
Whose abstemious
behavior
could put
a nun
to shame
I am not sexless
but I am unsexed
not a woman
not a being
not a beating
libido
I am made
of water
fluid
flowing
and many want to
swim through me
but few can actually
handle
my waves
Stand to the side
and watch me
but keep your distance
from this soul
Because I know
and you know
that if I am without it
then I don't want it
but if I am teased and given
little
I will hunger, thirst
crave
and I'd rather forget
it was even
there.
-----------
Word of the Day Poem 30:
Oneiric
Close my eyes
to sway and swoon
laying together by
the light
of the moon
Sweet touch
Sweet kiss
Embrace I miss
To part from bliss
Just lost in this
oneiric thought
of your lips
Change me
like in
Metamorphosis
into this cocooned
love
knowing deep inside
that human words
will never be enough
So trap me
in sweet night
lullabies
and close
my eyes
Have the Sandman
take me by the hand
and show me to your side
in dreams
to play
to feel
to ride
half full
of anticipation
for the surprise inside
My imagination
can come up with
all kinds of things
so wrap me
around
your fingers
like our lovers
rings
and let me dream
dream
dream.
------------
Word of the day Poem 31:
Prestidigitation
Wrapped around your fingers
like the curls
that linger at the base
of my neck
you move me
deep inside
in the tiny pumping
chambers of my heart
you work me
prestidigitation
clearly
gliding from your veins
to mine
glittering
my eyes
blinding me to
the times
when things don't seem
worth fighting for
Loving someone
is a little bit
like tangoing
with magic tricks
slighting hands
rabbits and hats
long black wands
my heart
in your palm
to massage when the magic
is ready and warm.....
--------------
Word of the day Poem 32:
Aver
Twist me into
affirmation
proclaiming
that yes,
I am a rock
unturned
A declaration
of my
independence
from this world
Alone
but never forgotten
Aver
through solitude
grateful
for
sanity
through
the dismantling
of my land
I grow weary
of this place
Ill move on to greater stakes
Hold stronger
in your convictions.
---------------
Word of the day Poem 33:
Effulgence
From my heart to yours
Light the way
Brilliance
Illuminating
The sorrows
Away
Sway me in your direction
Fighting to stay awake
Deceptions is a tricky thing
Dims the room
Dims the soul
Takes control and leaves you breathless
Losing consciousness
Wrap me in your sunshine
Away from the lull of depressions
I am completely yours
I am completely yours.
----------
Word of the day Poem 34:
Salutary
It has left me
never there
doesn't care
to enter
this system
missing in action
and so i am left
defenseless
crippled by
the lacking
and if in the end
all that is left
of me
is the memory
of beauty
well, then
i'll live in the dreams
of the former
me
inviting
hallucinations
to proclaim my existence
keeping the
happiness of past tense
close to my fleeting sanity
as
salutary
visions of my youth
bring me home
to the Universe.
-----------------
Word of the day Poem 35:
Gravid
Gravid
feelings pull at
my insides
like the tiny
fingers of children
pulling at mothers
aprons
I feel you
Asleep
deep
inside
Waiting to start a riot
Your birth will be
a fire starting
turning the clay
of this earth
into fine grains
of sand
and demanding
attention
You will be great
my sleeping beauty
For inside of me
you write vivid dreams
of ancestry
of honesty
of homecoming
And I know
that birthing you
will ignite clear
clarion change
saving insanity
saving humanity
release gravity
into floating
lands
and we
will watch the rising
sun and moon and be
You tug at me
Asleep
Deep
Inside
And I can't wait
to look into your eyes
And tell you how much
I love the passion inside
of you
My Revolution
Child.
-----------
Word of the day 36:
Nimiety
Nimiety
in my heart
like a rush of blood
deep in the
canals of my
ears
too
damn
much
but never enough
for them
I am left
emotionless
on
GO
but never knowing
when I can turn
myself
back on
So I am off
on
GO
Auto.....matic
yes ma'am
yes sir
yes fam
yes
yes
Nimiety
winding freely
excess
like
overbearing
witness
to crimes
being committed
in my soul
no control
over what they
say
how they act
what reaction
to protract
Only GO
paused emotion
no solution
to the excess
Can't even run
away
Trapped
in the cycle
running
in circles
feeling psycho
walking
this
tight rope
Walking
this
tight rope
Lets hope
I don't
fall.
-----------
Word of the day Poem 37:
Ebullient for Miss May, rest her soul
Ebullient
in her step
she waltz through
rooms
classic
vibrant
a facing row of
shiny teeth
to share her joy
with you
I remember her
and the earthy
smell of her neck as she
came close
to hug me
console me
give me sugar free candies
that sat in a
crystal bowl
on her coffee table
A woman should be
like she was
in her womanhood
Confident, but never with ego
Beautiful, but never conceded
Giving, without expecting anything in return
Ebullient
in her step
entering
the pearly gates
now resting
in her place
with God.
------------
Word of the day Poem 38:
Clandestine
Wrap me in
secret
gauzed and cushioned
by the blow
a clandestine
attempt to steal me away
from this place
that is not my home
strangle the life
from me in my sleep
as i dream of
painless walking
consuming me
dissolved
back into the earth
from whence I came
kill this poison in me
for i am the poison
i am the deception
the lie
within the lie
the disease eating away at me
do it in the still
of the night
in the silence
of the sky
when no eyes
are gazing in my direction
be stealth
secret
slick
like the back of a whale
and let me slide away
falling
like
the last grain of sand
the last drop of water
dried and gone
filled to the brim
and then flashed away
Wrap me in secret
quiet and peaceful
take me in my slumber
for i can not bear the burn
i am not build for this
you may think
i am strong enough
but i am not
i am not
i am not
so free me
from this torture
this prison of
a body
wrapped in a pretty package
peel away the wrapping paper
and cover me
in dirt
6 feet under, beneath the water
where its safe and warm
but no body should remain
all i want left of me
is ash flying in the wind
i want to fly
weightless
free from this
so do it
do it for me
and be clandestine
so that no one may stop you.
---------------
Word of the day Poem 39:
Badinage
badinage
in my ear
sweet nothings
are all i hear
through the heat
and closeness
of your lips
through your
breathy words
and your kiss
just to close
my eyes and witness
the playful dance
of your finger tips
badinage
in my ear
sweet nothings
to bring me here
lull me to sleep
through the torment and pain
so that loving words
are all that
remain.
Word of the Day Poem 16-27
Word of the Day Poem 16:
Etiolate
Each time I see the
etiolated faces of reporters
and their
washed out bleached hair
lining black roots along their scalps
smiling while lying
through their teeth
about my people
and my land
and my neighborhood
and my life
i cringe at the thought
of turning an eye
an ear
a critical mind
to their words
and still
still
it amazes me
every
single
time
i wake
that nothing
has really changed
and hope, like love
like hate
like time
like mine
like them
like side
will always be
simply
a 4 letter word
and my passions
like my words
would be better heard
by my ancestors
who've been dust longer
than In God We Trust
has been on dollar bills
that pay for the destruction
of the country of my fathers blood
i know that optimism
is not enough
in a world where
etiolated thoughts brainwash
lost children
into thinking
that stunted growth
that being made pale and sickly
that settling
is better than
not living at all
but i'd rather be free in heaven
than be subjected to a cage
or a bleached out wall
of lies and blind following
so give me my space
to close my eyes
and day dream
of having my feet planted flat
on the earth that is mine
but was taken from me
rich in reds and browns and golds
to give me the courage
to be bold enough
to continue on.............
-------------
Word of the day Poem 17:
Invidious
Invidious
feelings turn in my gut
like tsunamis turning
grains of sand into
the skin of those running
for cover
I am no different
My feelings are human
like any other
And I
I try to suppress
the green burn
but its eyes are bright
powerful
burning holes
through the skin of my
eye lids
as i try to close
it out
try to
wish it away
Envy
washes over
me
in waves
like drowning
and i can't breathe
without taking in
gulping gallons of jealousy
I can't breathe
without becoming
overwhelmed
with feelings of need
I can't breathe
while the red of my dna
turns green
and captures all the good in me
Invidious am I
Even though I try
to be grateful for
the things I already have.
-----------------
Word of the Day Poem 18:
Ken
If I close my eyes
as tight as the slit
lips of fish
I can almost
witness the memory
of your smile
when I did something to make you happy
I live with the knowledge
that we worked so hard
against the tide of
each other
even though we were made
of the same calm waters
Your smile stays with me
even though I can hardly remember
the sound of your voice
The shade of your hair
as you aged now sits
upon my head turning
darker, as yours did
as you got older
and soon, sprinkles
of gray and white will dance
along these blackened curls
If I close my eyes
tight like vaults
holding jewels
I can smell the leather
of your jacket in the cold
of winter and the strong musky
sweetness of your cologne
I live in my understanding
of who you were before
I was born;
a dreamer wanting
to be loved and live
on the land of his birth
I remember you
and your strong hands
cupping my small round cheeks
as I cried
I remember you
and you calling me Amouni
when I was your little girl
and could do no wrong
I remember you
and our heated fights
wanting to leave and never
return
I remember you
as I close my eyes, holding on to
the vision of moments
shared, where we sat
on the board walk
by the water and spoke
as if we had all the time
in the world.
--------------
World of the Day Poem 19:
Albatross
You move through me
Webbed feet
clutching at my
heart strings
whipping me
around
like a rag doll
flipping
from a child's fingers
You move through me
Albatross feelings
guiding my hands
to remove
love from
my chest
for you
no more of a problem
than the desire
you lack
no more of a problem
You move through me
no longer
a burden
a feeling so distant
like the shadow
pain of a lost limb
gone forever
but never forgotten
You move through me
and I am no longer
chained to
the storm
you bring
for i am removed
and smiling
at the loss.
___________________
Word of the day Poem 20:
Coruscate
Eyes flutter
sharp
fast
rapid
like the shutter
of a camera
ready to set off
a flash
taking in
bright
rays
Lights
Action
Satisfaction
Like the memory
of laying in the grass
by your side
hoping to repeat
those thoughts
when I close
my eyes
Galaxies full
of dreams
and wishes
If we only knew
how many
millions of years ago
they burned out
and died
maybe we'd save our
breath and
glittering eyes
on prayer
Layer by layer
I wait for
sunshine
maybe my time
to burn that bright
will come
But until then
I'll bask in beautiful
deadly rays
and let sweaty dreams
catch me in
a wishing haze.
----------------------
Word of the day Poem 21:
Munificent
Wrapped around
my heart
your love
munificent
like the hand
of a kind
stranger
not of my womb
but of my motherly
affection
you are like
you are mine
and we know
this unspoken bond
will only get stronger
You asked me
once, twice
to be your mother
but I am more than that
and content
with waiting
until life
grows in me
________________
Word of the day Poem 22:
Odium
Odium
coarse
like brillo
eating at my
veins
injecting
itself
vile
like poison
hitting the bits and pieces
of my being
as i watch
the careless sheep
mill about
stupidly
absentmindedly
as if they
are the only
one's that matter
in this world
and i watch
seething
loathing
and hoping
they all wash away
in a storm
far away
from me.
--------------------------
Word of the day Poem:23
Exigency
Exigency plagues my heart
so deeply that
now my ears
are hushed
in a constant rush
like being
submerged
head first
into the salty sea
and all I see
is
RED
RED
RED
and wish for them
to bleed
and be dead
Tension rising
riding high
inside
like tsunami
tides
and my soul
can't take the
friction
squeezing the muscles
in my fists
because all I can do is
raise my tiny wrists
in pseudo protest
that doesn't do
a fucking thing
anyway
And today
like so many others
I watch them walk
sisters, fathers, mothers, brothers
oblivious
to the lies and hypocrisies
that seem so very clear to me
and I feel like I'm the only one
who truly
sees
and I fear going
completely insane
because the truth
is boiling my brain
and if i give in to the
rage inside
everyone one of them
better run and hide
because the fire
burning deep in me
will wash over them in threes
and I won't hold back from
this aerial attack
Now that silence is
falling deep deep inside
the hush
rush of blood
is all i hear at night
and I watch them still
as I hold my breath
I watch them still
wishing their death
because they've killed
everything and everyone
and taken my land
and I am left gutted
because of these sins of man
Left gutted with only
rage
hate
fire
and the need
to purge the earth of their disease
Exigency
be with me tonight
and hope to God
you're not in my sight.
------------------
Word of the day Poem 24:
Buss
My heart beats faster
heat increasing
breath caught in my throat
small beads of sweat forming
on the back of my neck
as you stand behind me
watching but never
touching
as i day dream
about your
lips touching mine
even in passing
an accidental
tap
a buss
like the slide
of our cheeks
against one another
in the embrace of our hugs
i wait
watch
think
so lost
in my mind
in my desire to
to lock lips
and arms and hands
with you.
--------------------
Word of the day Poem 25:
Pejorative
There is a special place for you
Hypocrite
Liar
Deceiver
Neither a
Heaven
nor
Hell
But a place where
you are fed back
a full spoon
of the bullshit
you fed others during your life
Amazes me how you walk through
the world, dismissing others at your will
knowing nothing of what situations hold
not caring
to know either
Special places for you
will hold you
pejoratively
like you hold your
victims
under your thumb
Don't want to contact those
who stand up to your
disgusting servings?
Fine
By
Me
---------------
Word of the day Poem 26:
Avoirdupois
Avoirdupois
feelings hit my heart
so heavy
sometimes
that my arteries throb
chilling my blood
to be slow like honey
caught in time
by chance and weight and mine own
raspy winding mind
I scratch at it
until the dermis of it's fleshy self
bleeds
until lines tracing back to
the beginning
I try so hard to be light
starving my insides
But there is nothing but
heavy, heady, heart ache
Too much to handle
when in this world
I'm expected to simply do
but to never exist
I am avoirdupois
as I am green inside
turning slowly into envy's eyes
since it seems there is no
way to be satisfied...
-------------
Word of the day Poem 27:
Venerate
For you
my love runs deep
like the veins
running deep below
the ocean floors
a love so
deep
respect flows free
from my finger
tips
to yours
you move me
deep in my soul
a ravenous
love like birthing
nations
through the
tiny walls of
my womb
For you
my love runs
through valleys
through waves
through desserts
through pain
For you
my sister
reverence is
synonymous
with my love
for you.
Etiolate
Each time I see the
etiolated faces of reporters
and their
washed out bleached hair
lining black roots along their scalps
smiling while lying
through their teeth
about my people
and my land
and my neighborhood
and my life
i cringe at the thought
of turning an eye
an ear
a critical mind
to their words
and still
still
it amazes me
every
single
time
i wake
that nothing
has really changed
and hope, like love
like hate
like time
like mine
like them
like side
will always be
simply
a 4 letter word
and my passions
like my words
would be better heard
by my ancestors
who've been dust longer
than In God We Trust
has been on dollar bills
that pay for the destruction
of the country of my fathers blood
i know that optimism
is not enough
in a world where
etiolated thoughts brainwash
lost children
into thinking
that stunted growth
that being made pale and sickly
that settling
is better than
not living at all
but i'd rather be free in heaven
than be subjected to a cage
or a bleached out wall
of lies and blind following
so give me my space
to close my eyes
and day dream
of having my feet planted flat
on the earth that is mine
but was taken from me
rich in reds and browns and golds
to give me the courage
to be bold enough
to continue on.............
-------------
Word of the day Poem 17:
Invidious
Invidious
feelings turn in my gut
like tsunamis turning
grains of sand into
the skin of those running
for cover
I am no different
My feelings are human
like any other
And I
I try to suppress
the green burn
but its eyes are bright
powerful
burning holes
through the skin of my
eye lids
as i try to close
it out
try to
wish it away
Envy
washes over
me
in waves
like drowning
and i can't breathe
without taking in
gulping gallons of jealousy
I can't breathe
without becoming
overwhelmed
with feelings of need
I can't breathe
while the red of my dna
turns green
and captures all the good in me
Invidious am I
Even though I try
to be grateful for
the things I already have.
-----------------
Word of the Day Poem 18:
Ken
If I close my eyes
as tight as the slit
lips of fish
I can almost
witness the memory
of your smile
when I did something to make you happy
I live with the knowledge
that we worked so hard
against the tide of
each other
even though we were made
of the same calm waters
Your smile stays with me
even though I can hardly remember
the sound of your voice
The shade of your hair
as you aged now sits
upon my head turning
darker, as yours did
as you got older
and soon, sprinkles
of gray and white will dance
along these blackened curls
If I close my eyes
tight like vaults
holding jewels
I can smell the leather
of your jacket in the cold
of winter and the strong musky
sweetness of your cologne
I live in my understanding
of who you were before
I was born;
a dreamer wanting
to be loved and live
on the land of his birth
I remember you
and your strong hands
cupping my small round cheeks
as I cried
I remember you
and you calling me Amouni
when I was your little girl
and could do no wrong
I remember you
and our heated fights
wanting to leave and never
return
I remember you
as I close my eyes, holding on to
the vision of moments
shared, where we sat
on the board walk
by the water and spoke
as if we had all the time
in the world.
--------------
World of the Day Poem 19:
Albatross
You move through me
Webbed feet
clutching at my
heart strings
whipping me
around
like a rag doll
flipping
from a child's fingers
You move through me
Albatross feelings
guiding my hands
to remove
love from
my chest
for you
no more of a problem
than the desire
you lack
no more of a problem
You move through me
no longer
a burden
a feeling so distant
like the shadow
pain of a lost limb
gone forever
but never forgotten
You move through me
and I am no longer
chained to
the storm
you bring
for i am removed
and smiling
at the loss.
___________________
Word of the day Poem 20:
Coruscate
Eyes flutter
sharp
fast
rapid
like the shutter
of a camera
ready to set off
a flash
taking in
bright
rays
Lights
Action
Satisfaction
Like the memory
of laying in the grass
by your side
hoping to repeat
those thoughts
when I close
my eyes
Galaxies full
of dreams
and wishes
If we only knew
how many
millions of years ago
they burned out
and died
maybe we'd save our
breath and
glittering eyes
on prayer
Layer by layer
I wait for
sunshine
maybe my time
to burn that bright
will come
But until then
I'll bask in beautiful
deadly rays
and let sweaty dreams
catch me in
a wishing haze.
----------------------
Word of the day Poem 21:
Munificent
Wrapped around
my heart
your love
munificent
like the hand
of a kind
stranger
not of my womb
but of my motherly
affection
you are like
you are mine
and we know
this unspoken bond
will only get stronger
You asked me
once, twice
to be your mother
but I am more than that
and content
with waiting
until life
grows in me
________________
Word of the day Poem 22:
Odium
Odium
coarse
like brillo
eating at my
veins
injecting
itself
vile
like poison
hitting the bits and pieces
of my being
as i watch
the careless sheep
mill about
stupidly
absentmindedly
as if they
are the only
one's that matter
in this world
and i watch
seething
loathing
and hoping
they all wash away
in a storm
far away
from me.
--------------------------
Word of the day Poem:23
Exigency
Exigency plagues my heart
so deeply that
now my ears
are hushed
in a constant rush
like being
submerged
head first
into the salty sea
and all I see
is
RED
RED
RED
and wish for them
to bleed
and be dead
Tension rising
riding high
inside
like tsunami
tides
and my soul
can't take the
friction
squeezing the muscles
in my fists
because all I can do is
raise my tiny wrists
in pseudo protest
that doesn't do
a fucking thing
anyway
And today
like so many others
I watch them walk
sisters, fathers, mothers, brothers
oblivious
to the lies and hypocrisies
that seem so very clear to me
and I feel like I'm the only one
who truly
sees
and I fear going
completely insane
because the truth
is boiling my brain
and if i give in to the
rage inside
everyone one of them
better run and hide
because the fire
burning deep in me
will wash over them in threes
and I won't hold back from
this aerial attack
Now that silence is
falling deep deep inside
the hush
rush of blood
is all i hear at night
and I watch them still
as I hold my breath
I watch them still
wishing their death
because they've killed
everything and everyone
and taken my land
and I am left gutted
because of these sins of man
Left gutted with only
rage
hate
fire
and the need
to purge the earth of their disease
Exigency
be with me tonight
and hope to God
you're not in my sight.
------------------
Word of the day Poem 24:
Buss
My heart beats faster
heat increasing
breath caught in my throat
small beads of sweat forming
on the back of my neck
as you stand behind me
watching but never
touching
as i day dream
about your
lips touching mine
even in passing
an accidental
tap
a buss
like the slide
of our cheeks
against one another
in the embrace of our hugs
i wait
watch
think
so lost
in my mind
in my desire to
to lock lips
and arms and hands
with you.
--------------------
Word of the day Poem 25:
Pejorative
There is a special place for you
Hypocrite
Liar
Deceiver
Neither a
Heaven
nor
Hell
But a place where
you are fed back
a full spoon
of the bullshit
you fed others during your life
Amazes me how you walk through
the world, dismissing others at your will
knowing nothing of what situations hold
not caring
to know either
Special places for you
will hold you
pejoratively
like you hold your
victims
under your thumb
Don't want to contact those
who stand up to your
disgusting servings?
Fine
By
Me
---------------
Word of the day Poem 26:
Avoirdupois
Avoirdupois
feelings hit my heart
so heavy
sometimes
that my arteries throb
chilling my blood
to be slow like honey
caught in time
by chance and weight and mine own
raspy winding mind
I scratch at it
until the dermis of it's fleshy self
bleeds
until lines tracing back to
the beginning
I try so hard to be light
starving my insides
But there is nothing but
heavy, heady, heart ache
Too much to handle
when in this world
I'm expected to simply do
but to never exist
I am avoirdupois
as I am green inside
turning slowly into envy's eyes
since it seems there is no
way to be satisfied...
-------------
Word of the day Poem 27:
Venerate
For you
my love runs deep
like the veins
running deep below
the ocean floors
a love so
deep
respect flows free
from my finger
tips
to yours
you move me
deep in my soul
a ravenous
love like birthing
nations
through the
tiny walls of
my womb
For you
my love runs
through valleys
through waves
through desserts
through pain
For you
my sister
reverence is
synonymous
with my love
for you.
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