"Blessed is the one who sits in the hands of Aman-Ra...."
Blessed. Yes, blessed.
I walk, keeping my head as high as I can, even if inside my soul, my head is low, like the willow weeping for her lost children, her lost lover. I try not to. I try to be up, be happy. Be. And I get tugged down by certain realities.
And yet. Yet, I find joy, find comfort, find strength in the universe, in my spiritual connection to the earth. It grounds me. Sooths me. Brings me back to center, back to focus. I strive, struggle (not in spite, but because its worth it) to always come back to that center. Helps me stay sober. Helps me stay on point. Helps me be a better person, daughter, sister, lover, friend, me.
But these days it's hard to get to center. I fell of track a little bit. I need to get back. Get back to a blessed positioning.
In the book of Husia, to be connected to Aman-Ra is to be positioned and ready with mind, body, spirit to be blessed. I need to get back in the position to give and receive blessed energy. Divine harmony inside and out.
The woman is the spiritual and the essence that gives birth to the physical. And the man is the manifestation of that spirit and that essence in physical action. Women emanate spiritually what isn't being physically manifested by a man. And when there is a woman who flows better with the physical and a man who is flowing more with essence and spirit, we find our connections, our soul mates. Just as females connect with one another. And males connect with one another. Our soul mates depend on the balance inside of essence, spirit and physical manifestation. According to kemetic teachings.
I found someone who does I feel flows with my spirit and my essence. I wonder if it'll work out later on.
I'm finding my way back to center. Finding my way back to focus. Finding my way back to earth. To universe. To the peaceful position of self and enlightenment.
I need to open my heart back up. Open my heart and my spirit so that I can hear the universe again. So that I can write again. So that I can feel again. Get passed addiction again. Dig deep again. Meditate from the inside out. Address the creator from the inside out. Yes, I will. Yes, I can. I will open my heart, my spirit, my soul, my essence and let the universe back in. Yes. Yes.
Each day I will do my best to greet the morning and greet the night. To meditate and pray and give thanks to all the good things in my life. To be honest with myself and with the universe about my needs. To let my light shine from the inside out for myself and those around me.
It's a process. A struggle yes, but I will truly be active. I can only go up from here.
Hm. You can't grow in the dark, can you? You need light, from the universe, from the creator, from within to show you your way. It is you, though, that shows yourself the way. You need to let the light shine in to your darkness. Yes, let the light shine in and there will be no more darkness. Mirroring the light of the universe. Mirroring the light of the universe. After all, God is change. And the change from dark to light helps bring back growth, life, joy, love.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Creation is Music is sound is melodic is life.
Based on a conversation I had recently.
There's always been music though. Always. It's part of the primal force inside of us. Even the beats of our hearts, the sound our blood makes rushing through our bodies, the bending of joints.
The base in their voices, the wind chime-like sound of their laughter or the pitch... the vibration.. it's there when folks talk.. just have to listen for it...
It's all music
There's always been music though. Always. It's part of the primal force inside of us. Even the beats of our hearts, the sound our blood makes rushing through our bodies, the bending of joints.
The base in their voices, the wind chime-like sound of their laughter or the pitch... the vibration.. it's there when folks talk.. just have to listen for it...
It's all music
To live and to love living
"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainty that just to be alive is a grand thing." - Agatha Christie
Living. Its one of those guaranteed things, like Birth and Death, that is going to happen no matter what. How you choose to live. That is the hard part. The unpredictable part. The part that isn't always guaranteed to work itself out. Simply because you have to work with it. Through other people's bullshit, through other circumstances that can't be explained. Through biology. Through chemical imbalance. Through desire. Through passion. Through self destruction.
Yes, it's hard. Birth, Living, and Death. Those are all that is guaranteed.
And like Agatha Christie, I like living. And I have been down to the bottom of the gutters and back in my quest of trying to live. It's all I can do, right? Well, there is more I can do. I can make sure that whatever active choices I make in life are coming from a positive place. Coming from a place that isn't about self destruction. Is about hurting myself or others. A place that comes from love.
Yes, lets hope that I can make it less hard by doing that. And let's hope I can get there on a metro card and a dream.
Living. Its one of those guaranteed things, like Birth and Death, that is going to happen no matter what. How you choose to live. That is the hard part. The unpredictable part. The part that isn't always guaranteed to work itself out. Simply because you have to work with it. Through other people's bullshit, through other circumstances that can't be explained. Through biology. Through chemical imbalance. Through desire. Through passion. Through self destruction.
Yes, it's hard. Birth, Living, and Death. Those are all that is guaranteed.
And like Agatha Christie, I like living. And I have been down to the bottom of the gutters and back in my quest of trying to live. It's all I can do, right? Well, there is more I can do. I can make sure that whatever active choices I make in life are coming from a positive place. Coming from a place that isn't about self destruction. Is about hurting myself or others. A place that comes from love.
Yes, lets hope that I can make it less hard by doing that. And let's hope I can get there on a metro card and a dream.
Friday, June 20, 2008
For all those who are Struggling with Something
Written June 10th 2008
The older I get and the harder various struggles get in life, I realize more and more just how necessary and important community, family and unity are. We can't do it all alone. We just can't. I know I can't.
As strong and triumphant and hard as many of us who struggle seem on the outside, going about the day to day, it's when we're at that peak of struggle that we need a hand to reach out to.
How many of us, after a hard ass day of being the rock, being the strong one, going through the motions, have come home and cried alone? Or sucked it up and internalized it into self destruction? Or worse, took it out on someone we love who we didn't trust enough at the time to let in to give us the comfort we needed at our most vulnerable moment.
It's time for us to truly be strong. And that doesn't mean being solitary. The saying that there is strength in numbers isn't a myth. Finding in community that solace and peace is important. Yes, we need that in ourselves as individuals as well, but having support through the process if finding self is so valuable.
So this is me, being strong and brave and independent and saying I struggle and need the support of community.
I've been struggling with my Lupus and trying not to fold into myself because of the pain or the stark reality of what its doing to my body. I put on a front that everything is ok when it's not. I smile through the pain. I joke through the seriousness of what my doctors tell me. It gets harder and harder for me to go to appointments alone and hear that I have to hear. And sometimes I just want someone to hold me and let me cry in their arms. I don't necessarily need a solution or for my problem solved. Just the comfort of knowing I'm not alone through it all.
I struggle with my sexuality and feeling continuously judged by the various communities I'm part of. I feel like I'm judged for having loved a man, even though I'm part of the lgbt community and don't consider myself bi and feel more pansexual. I feel lost in what I want and need and knowing that I can love who ever the hell I want, knowing that I am who I am. I'm feminine, but that doesn't take away my desire for other women. And that doesn't take away from the fact that there is a man who I love dearly and if we were still together, I would have stayed with him. That doesn't change who I am. In fact, it makes my sexual orientation stronger, because I define how I feel and who I feel it for, because, I am just feeling. Woman, man, does it matter as long as I'm loved and love another? I'm still me. There are those who have supported no matter what, but why not more.
I struggle with depression and how very far and deep it can and has taken me. Knowing that some of my best art, my best writing, my best performances have come when I let myself fall so deeply and completely into that dark place. But sometimes it's hard to come back up. Hard to remember to breathe, to live, to smile, to be. I get sucked into sickness and thought and bills and working and struggling so much that I forget about the beauty in the world. Sometimes I need help to remember. Need a hand to pull me up before I drown. I struggle with the DNA I have that is so close to that dark, tortured self and need for you to tell me it will truly be okay sometimes. I am, for so many, the rock, the strength, that reassurance. I need a rock now to support my journey back to the light every now and again.
I struggle with my identity. Never black enough. Never Palestinian enough. Too light. Too dark. Hair too soft. Hips too wide. Nose too small. Lips not full enough. Eyes to light. Too confusing looking. Where is the love of just being a woman of color, who just wants love from my various communities. I'll never pass for white. But I need to be sometimes. Sometimes I feel so alienated. So disconnected to the identities I claim. Other times I wear my pride so brightly on my sleeve that it's even painful for those who are "purely" from that community. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe not hard enough. I can only be who I am. And this is who I am. Black Mother. Palestinian Father. Born and raised in NYC and lived everywhere else in between since then. Broken Arabic/English tongue. Hummus and Fried Chicken. Christmas and Eid. Easter and Ramadan. Mosque and Church. Thats who I am. And I need for there to be community that acknowledges and accepts that.
I struggle with myself. Stubborn and proud. Hard-headed and strong. Vulnerable and weak. Energetic and beautiful. Triumphant and timid. Shy and bold. A force to be reckoned with unless crippled by some unknown thing to silence my tongue. A child of an alcoholic who struggles with being an enabler and tries to not be an addict as well. A woman struggling to raise siblings who prefer me to our mother. And I sometimes want to never answer my phone again and hide from the world. I've been trying to save everyone for such a long time, I've forgotten so much of my self. And now what. Am I damaged goods? Am I too broken to help? Am I being too dramatic? Has the struggle caught up to me? Or has it really only begun and what I thought was struggle these 24 years just the warm up. Can it be harder than this? I don't know if I can handle harder than this. Not alone.
Loved ones, I struggle. With alot more than I can write right now.
Just needed to get some things off my chest.
The older I get and the harder various struggles get in life, I realize more and more just how necessary and important community, family and unity are. We can't do it all alone. We just can't. I know I can't.
As strong and triumphant and hard as many of us who struggle seem on the outside, going about the day to day, it's when we're at that peak of struggle that we need a hand to reach out to.
How many of us, after a hard ass day of being the rock, being the strong one, going through the motions, have come home and cried alone? Or sucked it up and internalized it into self destruction? Or worse, took it out on someone we love who we didn't trust enough at the time to let in to give us the comfort we needed at our most vulnerable moment.
It's time for us to truly be strong. And that doesn't mean being solitary. The saying that there is strength in numbers isn't a myth. Finding in community that solace and peace is important. Yes, we need that in ourselves as individuals as well, but having support through the process if finding self is so valuable.
So this is me, being strong and brave and independent and saying I struggle and need the support of community.
I've been struggling with my Lupus and trying not to fold into myself because of the pain or the stark reality of what its doing to my body. I put on a front that everything is ok when it's not. I smile through the pain. I joke through the seriousness of what my doctors tell me. It gets harder and harder for me to go to appointments alone and hear that I have to hear. And sometimes I just want someone to hold me and let me cry in their arms. I don't necessarily need a solution or for my problem solved. Just the comfort of knowing I'm not alone through it all.
I struggle with my sexuality and feeling continuously judged by the various communities I'm part of. I feel like I'm judged for having loved a man, even though I'm part of the lgbt community and don't consider myself bi and feel more pansexual. I feel lost in what I want and need and knowing that I can love who ever the hell I want, knowing that I am who I am. I'm feminine, but that doesn't take away my desire for other women. And that doesn't take away from the fact that there is a man who I love dearly and if we were still together, I would have stayed with him. That doesn't change who I am. In fact, it makes my sexual orientation stronger, because I define how I feel and who I feel it for, because, I am just feeling. Woman, man, does it matter as long as I'm loved and love another? I'm still me. There are those who have supported no matter what, but why not more.
I struggle with depression and how very far and deep it can and has taken me. Knowing that some of my best art, my best writing, my best performances have come when I let myself fall so deeply and completely into that dark place. But sometimes it's hard to come back up. Hard to remember to breathe, to live, to smile, to be. I get sucked into sickness and thought and bills and working and struggling so much that I forget about the beauty in the world. Sometimes I need help to remember. Need a hand to pull me up before I drown. I struggle with the DNA I have that is so close to that dark, tortured self and need for you to tell me it will truly be okay sometimes. I am, for so many, the rock, the strength, that reassurance. I need a rock now to support my journey back to the light every now and again.
I struggle with my identity. Never black enough. Never Palestinian enough. Too light. Too dark. Hair too soft. Hips too wide. Nose too small. Lips not full enough. Eyes to light. Too confusing looking. Where is the love of just being a woman of color, who just wants love from my various communities. I'll never pass for white. But I need to be sometimes. Sometimes I feel so alienated. So disconnected to the identities I claim. Other times I wear my pride so brightly on my sleeve that it's even painful for those who are "purely" from that community. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe not hard enough. I can only be who I am. And this is who I am. Black Mother. Palestinian Father. Born and raised in NYC and lived everywhere else in between since then. Broken Arabic/English tongue. Hummus and Fried Chicken. Christmas and Eid. Easter and Ramadan. Mosque and Church. Thats who I am. And I need for there to be community that acknowledges and accepts that.
I struggle with myself. Stubborn and proud. Hard-headed and strong. Vulnerable and weak. Energetic and beautiful. Triumphant and timid. Shy and bold. A force to be reckoned with unless crippled by some unknown thing to silence my tongue. A child of an alcoholic who struggles with being an enabler and tries to not be an addict as well. A woman struggling to raise siblings who prefer me to our mother. And I sometimes want to never answer my phone again and hide from the world. I've been trying to save everyone for such a long time, I've forgotten so much of my self. And now what. Am I damaged goods? Am I too broken to help? Am I being too dramatic? Has the struggle caught up to me? Or has it really only begun and what I thought was struggle these 24 years just the warm up. Can it be harder than this? I don't know if I can handle harder than this. Not alone.
Loved ones, I struggle. With alot more than I can write right now.
Just needed to get some things off my chest.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)