Feeling lost and alone

This Charlie Countryman movie has brought some feelings and shit out of me. I can't remember the last time I cried. Now I can't sleep. It's morning now so I should get over sleep at this point. 

I avoided watching the movie for a long time. I had a feeling it would hit me hard. I don't know why. I just did. 

And now I'm listening to The Weeknd and laying in bed thinking of how hard being an amputee is. Makes me want to cry. I think of all the mistakes I've made. So fucking many. And it's lead me down this path. It's my own fault. Letting my stress get me so sick. I keep trying  to get away from the stress and it finds me. Sucks me down the vast, dark rabbit hole. And eventually it'll kill me. I know it will. I know what I have to do. Eliminate the stress. But it's hard. Esp when you love the ppl who Stress you. What else can I do? I want to live. So I have to move on from these ppl.  

I'm so stressed right now just dealing with my health crap and trying to find a place to live and spending a lot of time alone. I'm active. I do things daily. 

I dunno. I don't know anymore.

Anyway I'm up. I'm gonna lay here and listen to music. Maybe read. I'll be around.