self-fulfilling prophesies

i just woke from a dream where my lupus was getting out of control again. and i traveled around trying to do things about it but it wouldn't help. so i started faking again, that i was well. and then i finally told my family how serious it gotten. they were different ppl than they really are. and they were so hell bent on me going to a lupus clinic that was better. and they felt so responsible for the way i was, as if my lupus was their fault.

these self-fulfilling prophesies, violently waking inside of me.

how sad that even in my head, my lupus is killing me off. (i dunno y the name dr. kessler keeps jumping at me) anyway, im gona try to go bck to sleep.

Forever Young

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost. Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm stuck. -Coldplay, Lost

Let us die young or live forever.

I can't place how i'm feeling right now. i wonder if im going to be cut off from most of my emotions forever. i wonder if i could even handle dealing with them in a mire head on approach.

of course i never finished the thoughts above. eh well. maybe another time.



yeah, venting. if only letting it out made me feel better, but it doesn't. the video says enough, so yep.

once again, maybe i'll get up on it and say something more with my words.

The past and its ugly head....Part 2

The part2 to the last video. Sorry it took so long. Soooo much has been going on. I'll do a video about it today.

the past and its ugly head

i woke up this morning, around 6:30am, thinking of the past. 14 or so years ago, in the past. I must've been dreaming about it and saw something that bothered me, because i woke very abruptly, as if i were in the middle of something. at least thats how it felt. interrupted. like my life, in general.

its never fun to relive memories that gave you nightmares for a long time. i wonder every time i think about it, if its that evil presence putting it in the universe for me to think about. i dont know. i'm just overtired and not in the mood. i just want to get the hell out of here. i hate this place, the food, the half ass therapy, the aides, and this fucking wheelchair. i'm sick of it all!

anyway, here it is. the vids. i'm going to try and relax my mind.


here's the latest couple of videos...a silly one i forgot about and then my usual vlog entry.

prepare yourself for some extra honesty


funny lil video

Dragging on and on and on.....Part 1

I feel as though the days are never ending. Eh well. Here ya go.

Taking it a day at a time

i was watching a show and this guy liked this woman and instead of texting or emailing, he wrote her a note and wrote,"Will you go out with me?", "check yes, no, maybe. And it took me back to middle school and getting notes full of boxes needing checks. And it made me smile, longing for the days where a moment could be simple. A question. 3 boxes. 3 potential answers. Please check one. ::sigh::

if only everything were as easy and simple as 3 boxes to choose from.

but its not. in fact, real life went and kicked the boxes' asses and now its ready to kick my ass. i haven't talked about whats going on. i want to, but i haven't.

anyway, videos are here:

illcentric...extra nice and worth sharing

I just had to share this bcus it was just really deep and this dude is really great.


AND THEN




I'll have more of my own videos later today when i can find my wire :)

Taking it a day at a time

I'm getting back into my writing more and more. I guess doing the writing workshop at silvercrest is helping stir up the sleeping words inside. Its stil a pretty slow start. It comes and goes.

Anyway, here are the videos. I guess i'll be more talkative latr or on the next videos.


Yes I was piiiiissssed off. What can I do but let it out. Well, I did more than let it out. I filed a complaint against said douche bag and kept it moving.





Having a laugh or several with my hugger-muggers yo!




until later

e

Trying to find peace♥

I couldn't help it. It was like I had lighting and thunder rolling through me, forcing me to push the storm out of my body.And the other night, a knock down, drag out fight raged inside of me. Storming my emotions to and fro, like a tree in between the raging winds and rain. I felt it. You can see it. It's been brewing for a long time and I finally had something else happen to add the last straw that broke me into submission.

I'm getting bck to myself though. I'm not as distraught as i was the other day.

Anyway, here it is.




As Cat power says, I never meant to be the camel that broke your back.

Trying, just a little bit harder

Here's the next blog

Sometimes the world IS crashing down around you

There's always a small possibility (or a large one) that one or more aspects of your life is tumbling, full speed, down a hill.
Shit happens sometimes. What can you do?

I was watching this show Parenting and one of the characters, a dad, found out that his 15 yr old daughter was dating this guy that he didn't know about. (SIDE NOTE: The thing about these shows is that every time I watch them I sort of wish I had that because they're semi-large families, always there for each other, have get-together dinners and stuff and although they aren't perfect, they are supportive and there.) And when I watched them argue and then watched a later scene when the mom came and talked to the daughter about the dad and how he loved her and just didn't want to lose his daughter and wanted to know who this guy was and how the arguing from a dad and rebellion and dating from the daughter is normal and everyone goes through, i remembered my dad and the time he came by my moms house when i was 14 and hanging out with this boy, talking and standing a little to close and how they had a scary look into eachothers eyes like men match and i had to tell the boy to chill out and leave because my dad was going to flip out. And he did and i did and later my mom came and had a talk with me, about how my dad loves me and doesn't want to see me with boys...and also how i was too young and who was he and how did i know him and, etc etc etc.

the point is, is that that is what happens. teenagers piss off their parents and vice versa. technically its the changes in teenage hormones that make them prone to outrageous behavior. and some ppl grow into more mature responsible ppl and others get a rush out of taking risks and keep on it until something or someone convinces them otherwise.

In any event, the "shit" that happens that I was talking about was lifes shit. Lifes giant dump that happens to land in one stinking pile on your head. And the stench? Takes forever to come out because thats part of the lesson.

Sometimes the world is crashing down around you...and sometimes it turns out to be ok...it just takes time to be ok, is all.

anyway, video time.
until tomorrow, which is actually today,
e

PS: I was REALLY sleepy when I made the video. And since its just about 4am, I might be sleepy in the next video too...eh well.

Fake, lying pieces of shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything has once again, fallen apart. My insides are slowly melting into puddles of gooey.

I am so sick n fucking tired of ppl yelling at me giving me their fucking attitudes about things I have no control over. Because they want to be surrounded by Yes Men. Fuck that noise! I'm nobodys fuckin puppet. If ur wrong ur going to hear my mouth. Why should u be the only one mouthing off. U pop off. I'm gonna pop off. Simple. I got a lot more patient and calm ovr the years but the last several months of being sick, almost dying twice, dealing with ignorant idiots who think they kno everything but actually kno nothing. I'm sick of all the fake fucking ppl. Everywhere! Soooo fake. I'm real all the time and that's what they can't deal with. Whatever. Anyway, I'm to get togethr for my fake OT.



Enough said. For now, at least.

eman

Eman 2.0: Ready for duty!

I made my first video tonight. The first video in a very very long time.



I hope it works out. I dont want any disasters to happen like the last time I was making videos. I guess omission is just as bad, if not worse than lying sometimes.

My 2nd video of the week



AND the 3rd video of the week



I guess the videos can speak for themselves right now. I want to write about it, but I dont feel like getting emotional, so I'll leave it at that for now. At least there are videos.

Until the next installment.

E

And then there was Eman

The past 9 months have been craptastic. BUT the last 6 months in the hospitals and rehab have been EXTRA shittastic! Do I even want to get into all of it? I'm not entirely sure I can. I've tried the last few months several times to just let go and write about it, but its hard. A lot happened. Alot of things that i wish i could remember and a lot i wish i could forget.

I guess for now I want to open up my mind to writing again, on a regular basis. Its killing me inch by slow inch to b closed up like this and let it all out, especially after all the shit my Lupus has put me through. The last 9 years has been my own private nightmare and the last 12 months of paralysis and almost dying and not feeling my feet or legs and having a non-working left hand AND having all kinds of ppl flake on me.

OK. I'm done. For now at least. Hopefully ill be able to keep it flowing. Especially since Silvercrest is an emotional and creative draining place.

We'll see.

I'll be around.