My Palestine Blog-- stay informed

Don't forget to read that too! :)
www.emanrimawiinpalestine.blogspot.com

I'm leaving next week, so you're going to want to be up on ALLLLLLLLL thing Pali that I'm doing :) Of course I'll still be writing on here, but this will be about all kinds of things.

ok. self-promoting done.... for now! :)

Desires of the body. Desires of the mind

When we deprive ourselves of the things we want; the things we need, we start to lose it a little. Well, maybe not lose it in the sense of not being able to control yourself. Lose it in the sense of having heightened senses. Where touch, taste, smell, sound, sight.... it's all louder, all brighter, all the more intense to distract you with.
When we deprive ourselves, we become more out of tune with ourselves and can't see past the senses. So someone crossing their legs, the way lips move, the smell of skin, the rhythm of a voice. It's all too much to bare. All too much. All too intense.
Almost to where you live in your day dreams until someone finally grabs a hold of you and gives you what you desire. Or until you're finally able to get it.
Let's see which'll come first.

Fear: An illusion of the mind or a warning of what's to come

Why do we fear the things we fear? What happened in our past lives, in the womb, in our childhoods to make us afraid of the things we are afraid of? Why does the dark make us uneasy? Or crawlie things. Or is it something in our genetic make-up to make us fear things in general.

What is fear?
Fear is:

1.	a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2.	a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3.	concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4.	reverential awe, esp. toward God.

5.

that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear. I find now that I don't do what I did sometimes when I was a child. If I was afraid, my first instinct was maybe to duck and cover. I grew out of it and now when I'm afraid, I seek out that which scares me. I find that even though it makes me afraid, facing it is better than being a coward. I still have the fear of course, but I face it either way. Heart pounding sweaty palmed and all. Why not, right? Let's hope I can keep that up.

Ours: a collection of videos and thoughts

I'm going to see them this friday.
Sometimes when it's late and I can't sleep, I listen to their songs and the lyrics help to sort of put things in perspective. His voice is also just really nice. Jimmy is a lot like Jeff Buckley in voice and even with some of the lyrics. Maybe thats why I like him so much. So melodic.
Here are a few more songs/videos I like





an oldie but goodie and also very amazing lyrics and voice


I love that he sang this song... the sound is a little yucky, but I know how his voice sounds :)


great video


and yes, mercy for the meek, please

http://www.ours.net/
So, who is Ours, you ask? Well Ours began in 1992, and built a strong following playing shows in New York City. By 1997, the band had sparked a label bidding war, and when the smoke settled, they signed a deal with Dreamworks Records. For their first record, Distorted Lullabies, Ours worked with legendary producer Steve Lillywhite. The record was released in 2001, and was met with beaming critical praise, and fervent fan appreciation. Their single "Sometimes" enjoyed heavy rotation at both radio and MTV2. Ours followed up Distorted Lullabies in 2003 with Precious, helmed by critically acclaimed producer, Ethan Johns. For the past 4 years, Ours have been meticulously crafting their 3rd record with world renowned producer Rick Rubin. NOW ON SALE, the lush, sweeping, and transcendent Mercy (Dancing for the Death of an Imaginary Enemy) is the record Ours were destined to make.

A letter never sent OR Family is a Promise 2

I had to write something. To someone and you're the first person that came into my mind. I wanted to call, but you're sleeping and hopefully I'll be sleeping soon too.

My heart feels so full. I wish it was of love, but tonight if felt as though it was going to shatter. And the shards would scatter about like shiny crystal jewels waiting to cut an unsuspecting admirer. I wish sometimes that I could just run away from everything. To pick up and leave, turning my back completely and turning off everything I feel for those around me.

I remember being 9 years old and writing a letter. I wrote it over and over a few times, trying to get down everything I wanted to say, but being short enough not to bore anyone. My run away letter was something I started at 9. And I feel as though it recited and written along my heart, following my journey every where I go.
Most of the times I don't even think about it. I don't even remember the memory. But days like today make me remember. It brings me back to that place where I hate my mother a little because of how's shes been and what she's done. It brings me back to who I really am and who I think and everyone thinks I am. Brings me back to how painful it feels to really truly think about whats going to happen between us.
It brings me back to the guilt, the shame, the pain I feel.

I feel sometimes that the deeper I go into therapy, the harder it is to forget the 9 year old me. This is the bottom and I am working my way back up to being healed I suppose. I write this and I'll probably never send it to you. Probably put it in my blog and leave it be. Because the truth is hard. The truth is painful. The truth is what makes me want to run away. It's hard to breathe when the truth feels like this. Hard to want to be alive. And yet I am.

I sit here and cry these tears and try to let go. And a big part of me can't. I'm 24, almost 25 already and feel like nothing. And yet I know how accomplished I am. I know whats I've done with my life. But I also know that I am less than I use to be. I am held back. I am damaged. And that leaves me alone. All by myself. In the darkness. And I welcome the darkness because no one can really see me. It feels safe. But it's not all that good.

I wish. I wish to God that we could be. We could just be who we are supposed to be, in the world, to each other. But we can't. You are not going to change. You just aren't. And I have to ask myself: Am I willing to sit by and let you do what you want to do and just take it OR do I admit the truth and walk away? Let myself mourn my loss and move on.

My deranged aunt get out of jail in December. I don't know who she'll come looking for, but I don't want her to find me. My mother won't stop drinking and for all the problems she has, she blames someone else. My father was mean to me a lot of the times, a womanizer and I look just like him. The man I love just can't stay faithful... its just not in his nature, but he says he loves me.I love them. I love them all so very much and yet they pain me. Their humanity pains me.

I'm trying not to be an addict. To fight whats inside of me. I'm trying to live and survive and be. Especially out of all the imperfections I come with.

I was ok. Last couple weeks, the darkness was there, but I was ok. Focusing on my manifestation board. Focusing on all the good that was happening and continues to happen. And then the darkness got darker, sucked me under, plagued me with its sweet sweet song and lulled me into its arms. And now my face is tear stained and all I can't think about is running away.

And I have therapy tomorrow. Sigh.

I don't know if I can write anymore. I still have all this light from other angles in my life. My trip. My work. My apartment. But the darkness is there, creeping along.Reminding me of all the problems in my life. Reminding me that they are the constant, not the light, joyful things.

I need to breathe, take a moment and get back out there; collected and ready to keep it moving.

If only it were that easy.

My Palestine Blog

Ok folks. So I know it's a little redundant to have TWO different blogs, but I actually think it's a good idea. Dave suggested it for a very simple reason and I thought it was a good idea. I'm working on a manuscript for a book about my whole finding my Palestinian self. And since I'll be writing about it all the time before I go and during my trip, it just made sense to do it that way. A lot of the writing might be in the manuscript, so why not. I'll also put some pics and videos on there too.
Most videos and pictures will be up on my website (www.emanrimawi.com) though, BUT if you'd like to come on my adventure of self discovery, then read the blogs. Both of them actually.
This one is opened to everything and anything that comes to my mind. The Palestine one is going to be dedicated to my trip, my heritage and my continuous journey with that.

Just thought I'd say that.
www.emanrimawiinpalestine.blogspot.com is the link. If for some reason its not working, the link is in my profile from this blog :)

Happy Reading! And Happy Ramadan for those who celebrate!