Brilliance Comes from the Heart

Girl (for a lack of a better word), Interrupted......

2011-07-06T21:50:00.006-04:00

Once again I have allowed too much time to pass in between my posts. I think partly because of all the shit I have to do all the time but also because of not wanting to deal with the things I'm feeling and thinking AND not wanting to hurt any feelings along the way. Id very much like to give a video update on all the good things that are happening with me right now but itll also include the shitty parts.

In any event, I miss this alot. In some ways it is/was better than the therapy I go to because when I write I open up and free a part of my soul that is otherwise closed up tight for safe keeping. When I write I feel more honest than I do in my own private thoughts. I just know that honesty comes with a price. As does being too vague when it comes to emotions or feelings.

So what am I supposed to do? Or what SHOULD I do? Just follow my feelings and write and deal with what ever comes with it I guess. Yeah, maybe.

Starting it up all ovr again......

2011-05-29T01:50:00.005-04:00

Its been almost a year since ive written a blog in here. Amazing huh? And sometimes i feel like nothing has changed. I not sure how i feel about that. I dont even know how i feel about anything, but im sure i have to start feel something, huh?
Im just not happy w/my life. Im not happy. Thats the first ive admitted that. And ive got to do something about it asap. I just cant stand it.
In any event i think thats as much truth as i can manage right now. Ive got to get back to doing this regularly though. It helped me and apparently it help othr ppl.
Until later.

E

self-fulfilling prophesies

2010-06-22T04:17:00.003-04:00

i just woke from a dream where my lupus was getting out of control again. and i traveled around trying to do things about it but it wouldn't help. so i started faking again, that i was well. and then i finally told my family how serious it gotten. they were different ppl than they really are. and they were so hell bent on me going to a lupus clinic that was better. and they felt so responsible for the way i was, as if my lupus was their fault.

these self-fulfilling prophesies, violently waking inside of me.

how sad that even in my head, my lupus is killing me off. (i dunno y the name dr. kessler keeps jumping at me) anyway, im gona try to go bck to sleep.

Forever Young

2010-05-21T18:46:00.005-04:00

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost. Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm stuck. -Coldplay, Lost

Let us die young or live forever.

I can't place how i'm feeling right now. i wonder if im going to be cut off from most of my emotions forever. i wonder if i could even handle dealing with them in a mire head on approach.

of course i never finished the thoughts above. eh well. maybe another time.

yeah, venting. if only letting it out made me feel better, but it doesn't. the video says enough, so yep.

once again, maybe i'll get up on it and say something more with my words.

The past and its ugly head....Part 2

2010-05-17T11:58:00.003-04:00

The part2 to the last video. Sorry it took so long. Soooo much has been going on. I'll do a video about it today.

the past and its ugly head

2010-05-02T06:28:00.002-04:00

i woke up this morning, around 6:30am, thinking of the past. 14 or so years ago, in the past. I must've been dreaming about it and saw something that bothered me, because i woke very abruptly, as if i were in the middle of something. at least thats how it felt. interrupted. like my life, in general.

its never fun to relive memories that gave you nightmares for a long time. i wonder every time i think about it, if its that evil presence putting it in the universe for me to think about. i dont know. i'm just overtired and not in the mood. i just want to get the hell out of here. i hate this place, the food, the half ass therapy, the aides, and this fucking wheelchair. i'm sick of it all!

anyway, here it is. the vids. i'm going to try and relax my mind.

here's the latest couple of videos...a silly one i forgot about and then my usual vlog entry.

prepare yourself for some extra honesty

funny lil video

Dragging on and on and on.....Part 1

2010-04-22T02:43:00.002-04:00

I feel as though the days are never ending. Eh well. Here ya go.

Taking it a day at a time

2010-04-19T02:02:00.003-04:00

i was watching a show and this guy liked this woman and instead of texting or emailing, he wrote her a note and wrote,"Will you go out with me?", "check yes, no, maybe. And it took me back to middle school and getting notes full of boxes needing checks. And it made me smile, longing for the days where a moment could be simple. A question. 3 boxes. 3 potential answers. Please check one. ::sigh::

if only everything were as easy and simple as 3 boxes to choose from.

but its not. in fact, real life went and kicked the boxes' asses and now its ready to kick my ass. i haven't talked about whats going on. i want to, but i haven't.

anyway, videos are here:

illcentric...extra nice and worth sharing

2010-04-12T00:06:00.002-04:00

I just had to share this bcus it was just really deep and this dude is really great.

AND THEN

I'll have more of my own videos later today when i can find my wire :)

Taking it a day at a time

2010-04-10T00:29:00.005-04:00

I'm getting back into my writing more and more. I guess doing the writing workshop at silvercrest is helping stir up the sleeping words inside. Its stil a pretty slow start. It comes and goes.

Anyway, here are the videos. I guess i'll be more talkative latr or on the next videos.

Yes I was piiiiissssed off. What can I do but let it out. Well, I did more than let it out. I filed a complaint against said douche bag and kept it moving.

Having a laugh or several with my hugger-muggers yo!

until later

e

Trying to find peace♥

2010-03-29T21:59:00.001-04:00

I couldn't help it. It was like I had lighting and thunder rolling through me, forcing me to push the storm out of my body.And the other night, a knock down, drag out fight raged inside of me. Storming my emotions to and fro, like a tree in between the raging winds and rain. I felt it. You can see it. It's been brewing for a long time and I finally had something else happen to add the last straw that broke me into submission.

I'm getting bck to myself though. I'm not as distraught as i was the other day.

Anyway, here it is.

As Cat power says, I never meant to be the camel that broke your back.

Trying, just a little bit harder

2010-03-26T23:43:00.002-04:00

Here's the next blog

Sometimes the world IS crashing down around you

2010-03-25T15:54:00.005-04:00

There's always a small possibility (or a large one) that one or more aspects of your life is tumbling, full speed, down a hill.
Shit happens sometimes. What can you do?

I was watching this show Parenting and one of the characters, a dad, found out that his 15 yr old daughter was dating this guy that he didn't know about. (SIDE NOTE: The thing about these shows is that every time I watch them I sort of wish I had that because they're semi-large families, always there for each other, have get-together dinners and stuff and although they aren't perfect, they are supportive and there.) And when I watched them argue and then watched a later scene when the mom came and talked to the daughter about the dad and how he loved her and just didn't want to lose his daughter and wanted to know who this guy was and how the arguing from a dad and rebellion and dating from the daughter is normal and everyone goes through, i remembered my dad and the time he came by my moms house when i was 14 and hanging out with this boy, talking and standing a little to close and how they had a scary look into eachothers eyes like men match and i had to tell the boy to chill out and leave because my dad was going to flip out. And he did and i did and later my mom came and had a talk with me, about how my dad loves me and doesn't want to see me with boys...and also how i was too young and who was he and how did i know him and, etc etc etc.

the point is, is that that is what happens. teenagers piss off their parents and vice versa. technically its the changes in teenage hormones that make them prone to outrageous behavior. and some ppl grow into more mature responsible ppl and others get a rush out of taking risks and keep on it until something or someone convinces them otherwise.

In any event, the "shit" that happens that I was talking about was lifes shit. Lifes giant dump that happens to land in one stinking pile on your head. And the stench? Takes forever to come out because thats part of the lesson.

Sometimes the world is crashing down around you...and sometimes it turns out to be ok...it just takes time to be ok, is all.

anyway, video time.
until tomorrow, which is actually today,
e

PS: I was REALLY sleepy when I made the video. And since its just about 4am, I might be sleepy in the next video too...eh well.

Fake, lying pieces of shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-24T01:06:00.006-04:00

Everything has once again, fallen apart. My insides are slowly melting into puddles of gooey.

I am so sick n fucking tired of ppl yelling at me giving me their fucking attitudes about things I have no control over. Because they want to be surrounded by Yes Men. Fuck that noise! I'm nobodys fuckin puppet. If ur wrong ur going to hear my mouth. Why should u be the only one mouthing off. U pop off. I'm gonna pop off. Simple. I got a lot more patient and calm ovr the years but the last several months of being sick, almost dying twice, dealing with ignorant idiots who think they kno everything but actually kno nothing. I'm sick of all the fake fucking ppl. Everywhere! Soooo fake. I'm real all the time and that's what they can't deal with. Whatever. Anyway, I'm to get togethr for my fake OT.

Enough said. For now, at least.

eman

Eman 2.0: Ready for duty!

2010-03-19T21:50:00.008-04:00

I made my first video tonight. The first video in a very very long time.

I hope it works out. I dont want any disasters to happen like the last time I was making videos. I guess omission is just as bad, if not worse than lying sometimes.

My 2nd video of the week

AND the 3rd video of the week

I guess the videos can speak for themselves right now. I want to write about it, but I dont feel like getting emotional, so I'll leave it at that for now. At least there are videos.

Until the next installment.

E

And then there was Eman

2010-02-02T23:26:00.005-05:00

The past 9 months have been craptastic. BUT the last 6 months in the hospitals and rehab have been EXTRA shittastic! Do I even want to get into all of it? I'm not entirely sure I can. I've tried the last few months several times to just let go and write about it, but its hard. A lot happened. Alot of things that i wish i could remember and a lot i wish i could forget.

I guess for now I want to open up my mind to writing again, on a regular basis. Its killing me inch by slow inch to b closed up like this and let it all out, especially after all the shit my Lupus has put me through. The last 9 years has been my own private nightmare and the last 12 months of paralysis and almost dying and not feeling my feet or legs and having a non-working left hand AND having all kinds of ppl flake on me.

OK. I'm done. For now at least. Hopefully ill be able to keep it flowing. Especially since Silvercrest is an emotional and creative draining place.

We'll see.

I'll be around.

Word of the Day Poem 28-39

2009-07-01T14:46:00.004-04:00

Word of the day Poem 28:
Espy

In the distance
you hide
almost in plain sight
as if my third eye
were closed to the lie

Eye
can
see you

Catching glimpses
of your shadow dance
through the corner

Its clearer that way

You play a game with me
Claws retracting, reacting
catching bits of
cloth
but you never catch me

Catcher can't catch
Because I see you

Eye
see
you

But you can't
see me

----------
Word of the day Poem 29
Abstemious

Keep back from me
Hold me at arms length
just enough to touch
the tips of my curls
with the tips
of your needy
hungry
wanting
fingers

Stand away
Have a care as to how
you tease a creature
who regularly goes
without

Whose abstemious
behavior
could put
a nun
to shame

I am not sexless
but I am unsexed
not a woman
not a being
not a beating
libido

I am made
of water
fluid
flowing
and many want to
swim through me
but few can actually
handle
my waves

Stand to the side
and watch me
but keep your distance
from this soul

Because I know
and you know
that if I am without it
then I don't want it
but if I am teased and given
little
I will hunger, thirst
crave
and I'd rather forget
it was even
there.
-----------

Word of the Day Poem 30:
Oneiric

Close my eyes
to sway and swoon
laying together by
the light
of the moon

Sweet touch
Sweet kiss
Embrace I miss
To part from bliss
Just lost in this
oneiric thought
of your lips

Change me
like in
Metamorphosis
into this cocooned
love
knowing deep inside
that human words
will never be enough

So trap me
in sweet night
lullabies
and close
my eyes

Have the Sandman
take me by the hand
and show me to your side
in dreams
to play
to feel
to ride
half full
of anticipation
for the surprise inside

My imagination
can come up with
all kinds of things
so wrap me
around
your fingers
like our lovers
rings
and let me dream
dream
dream.
------------

Word of the day Poem 31:
Prestidigitation

Wrapped around your fingers
like the curls
that linger at the base
of my neck
you move me
deep inside
in the tiny pumping
chambers of my heart
you work me
prestidigitation
clearly
gliding from your veins
to mine
glittering
my eyes
blinding me to
the times
when things don't seem
worth fighting for

Loving someone
is a little bit
like tangoing
with magic tricks
slighting hands
rabbits and hats
long black wands
my heart
in your palm
to massage when the magic
is ready and warm.....
--------------

Word of the day Poem 32:
Aver

Twist me into
affirmation
proclaiming
that yes,
I am a rock
unturned

A declaration
of my
independence
from this world

Alone
but never forgotten

Aver
through solitude
grateful
for
sanity
through
the dismantling
of my land

I grow weary
of this place

Ill move on to greater stakes

Hold stronger
in your convictions.
---------------

Word of the day Poem 33:
Effulgence

From my heart to yours
Light the way
Brilliance
Illuminating
The sorrows
Away

Sway me in your direction
Fighting to stay awake
Deceptions is a tricky thing
Dims the room
Dims the soul
Takes control and leaves you breathless
Losing consciousness

Wrap me in your sunshine
Away from the lull of depressions
I am completely yours

I am completely yours.
----------

Word of the day Poem 34:
Salutary

It has left me
never there
doesn't care
to enter
this system
missing in action
and so i am left
defenseless
crippled by
the lacking

and if in the end
all that is left
of me
is the memory
of beauty

well, then

i'll live in the dreams
of the former
me
inviting
hallucinations
to proclaim my existence

keeping the
happiness of past tense
close to my fleeting sanity
as
salutary
visions of my youth
bring me home
to the Universe.
-----------------

Word of the day Poem 35:
Gravid

Gravid
feelings pull at
my insides
like the tiny
fingers of children
pulling at mothers
aprons

I feel you

Asleep
deep
inside

Waiting to start a riot

Your birth will be
a fire starting
turning the clay
of this earth
into fine grains
of sand
and demanding
attention

You will be great
my sleeping beauty

For inside of me
you write vivid dreams
of ancestry
of honesty
of homecoming

And I know
that birthing you
will ignite clear
clarion change
saving insanity
saving humanity
release gravity
into floating
lands
and we
will watch the rising
sun and moon and be

You tug at me

Asleep
Deep
Inside

And I can't wait
to look into your eyes

And tell you how much
I love the passion inside
of you
My Revolution
Child.
-----------

Word of the day 36:
Nimiety

Nimiety
in my heart
like a rush of blood
deep in the
canals of my
ears
too
damn
much
but never enough
for them

I am left
emotionless
on
GO
but never knowing
when I can turn
myself
back on

So I am off
on
GO

Auto.....matic

yes ma'am
yes sir
yes fam

yes

yes

Nimiety
winding freely
excess
like
overbearing
witness
to crimes
being committed
in my soul
no control
over what they
say
how they act
what reaction
to protract

Only GO
paused emotion
no solution
to the excess

Can't even run
away

Trapped
in the cycle
running
in circles
feeling psycho
walking
this
tight rope

Walking
this
tight rope

Lets hope
I don't
fall.
-----------

Word of the day Poem 37:
Ebullient for Miss May, rest her soul

Ebullient
in her step
she waltz through
rooms
classic
vibrant
a facing row of
shiny teeth
to share her joy
with you

I remember her
and the earthy
smell of her neck as she
came close
to hug me
console me
give me sugar free candies
that sat in a
crystal bowl
on her coffee table

A woman should be
like she was
in her womanhood

Confident, but never with ego
Beautiful, but never conceded
Giving, without expecting anything in return

Ebullient
in her step
entering
the pearly gates
now resting
in her place
with God.
------------

Word of the day Poem 38:
Clandestine

Wrap me in
secret
gauzed and cushioned
by the blow
a clandestine
attempt to steal me away
from this place
that is not my home

strangle the life
from me in my sleep
as i dream of
painless walking
consuming me
dissolved
back into the earth
from whence I came

kill this poison in me
for i am the poison
i am the deception
the lie
within the lie
the disease eating away at me

do it in the still
of the night
in the silence
of the sky
when no eyes
are gazing in my direction
be stealth
secret
slick
like the back of a whale
and let me slide away
falling
like
the last grain of sand
the last drop of water
dried and gone
filled to the brim
and then flashed away

Wrap me in secret
quiet and peaceful
take me in my slumber
for i can not bear the burn
i am not build for this
you may think
i am strong enough
but i am not
i am not

i am not

so free me
from this torture
this prison of
a body
wrapped in a pretty package
peel away the wrapping paper
and cover me
in dirt
6 feet under, beneath the water
where its safe and warm
but no body should remain

all i want left of me
is ash flying in the wind
i want to fly
weightless
free from this

so do it
do it for me
and be clandestine
so that no one may stop you.
---------------

Word of the day Poem 39:
Badinage

badinage
in my ear
sweet nothings
are all i hear
through the heat
and closeness
of your lips
through your
breathy words
and your kiss
just to close
my eyes and witness
the playful dance
of your finger tips

badinage
in my ear
sweet nothings
to bring me here
lull me to sleep
through the torment and pain
so that loving words
are all that
remain.

Word of the Day Poem 16-27

2009-07-01T14:30:00.007-04:00

Word of the Day Poem 16:
Etiolate

Each time I see the
etiolated faces of reporters
and their
washed out bleached hair
lining black roots along their scalps
smiling while lying
through their teeth
about my people
and my land
and my neighborhood
and my life
i cringe at the thought
of turning an eye
an ear
a critical mind
to their words
and still
still
it amazes me
every
single
time
i wake
that nothing
has really changed
and hope, like love
like hate
like time
like mine
like them
like side
will always be
simply
a 4 letter word
and my passions
like my words
would be better heard
by my ancestors
who've been dust longer
than In God We Trust
has been on dollar bills
that pay for the destruction
of the country of my fathers blood
i know that optimism
is not enough
in a world where
etiolated thoughts brainwash
lost children
into thinking
that stunted growth
that being made pale and sickly
that settling
is better than
not living at all
but i'd rather be free in heaven
than be subjected to a cage
or a bleached out wall
of lies and blind following
so give me my space
to close my eyes
and day dream
of having my feet planted flat
on the earth that is mine
but was taken from me
rich in reds and browns and golds
to give me the courage
to be bold enough
to continue on.............
-------------

Word of the day Poem 17:
Invidious

Invidious
feelings turn in my gut
like tsunamis turning
grains of sand into
the skin of those running
for cover

I am no different

My feelings are human
like any other

And I

I try to suppress
the green burn
but its eyes are bright
powerful
burning holes
through the skin of my
eye lids
as i try to close
it out
try to
wish it away

Envy
washes over
me
in waves
like drowning
and i can't breathe
without taking in
gulping gallons of jealousy

I can't breathe
without becoming
overwhelmed
with feelings of need

I can't breathe
while the red of my dna
turns green
and captures all the good in me

Invidious am I

Even though I try
to be grateful for
the things I already have.
-----------------

Word of the Day Poem 18:
Ken

If I close my eyes
as tight as the slit
lips of fish
I can almost
witness the memory
of your smile
when I did something to make you happy

I live with the knowledge
that we worked so hard
against the tide of
each other
even though we were made
of the same calm waters

Your smile stays with me
even though I can hardly remember
the sound of your voice

The shade of your hair
as you aged now sits
upon my head turning
darker, as yours did
as you got older
and soon, sprinkles
of gray and white will dance
along these blackened curls

If I close my eyes
tight like vaults
holding jewels
I can smell the leather
of your jacket in the cold
of winter and the strong musky
sweetness of your cologne

I live in my understanding
of who you were before
I was born;
a dreamer wanting
to be loved and live
on the land of his birth

I remember you
and your strong hands
cupping my small round cheeks
as I cried

I remember you
and you calling me Amouni
when I was your little girl
and could do no wrong

I remember you
and our heated fights
wanting to leave and never
return

I remember you
as I close my eyes, holding on to
the vision of moments
shared, where we sat
on the board walk
by the water and spoke
as if we had all the time
in the world.

--------------

World of the Day Poem 19:
Albatross

You move through me
Webbed feet
clutching at my
heart strings
whipping me
around
like a rag doll
flipping
from a child's fingers

You move through me
Albatross feelings
guiding my hands
to remove
love from
my chest
for you
no more of a problem
than the desire
you lack
no more of a problem

You move through me
no longer
a burden
a feeling so distant
like the shadow
pain of a lost limb
gone forever
but never forgotten

You move through me
and I am no longer
chained to
the storm
you bring
for i am removed
and smiling
at the loss.
___________________

Word of the day Poem 20:
Coruscate

Eyes flutter
sharp
fast
rapid
like the shutter
of a camera
ready to set off
a flash
taking in
bright
rays

Lights
Action
Satisfaction

Like the memory
of laying in the grass
by your side
hoping to repeat
those thoughts
when I close
my eyes

Galaxies full
of dreams
and wishes

If we only knew
how many
millions of years ago
they burned out
and died
maybe we'd save our
breath and
glittering eyes
on prayer

Layer by layer
I wait for
sunshine
maybe my time
to burn that bright
will come

But until then
I'll bask in beautiful
deadly rays
and let sweaty dreams
catch me in
a wishing haze.
----------------------

Word of the day Poem 21:
Munificent

Wrapped around
my heart
your love
munificent
like the hand
of a kind
stranger
not of my womb
but of my motherly
affection
you are like
you are mine
and we know
this unspoken bond
will only get stronger

You asked me
once, twice
to be your mother
but I am more than that
and content
with waiting
until life
grows in me
________________

Word of the day Poem 22:
Odium

Odium
coarse
like brillo
eating at my
veins
injecting
itself
vile
like poison
hitting the bits and pieces
of my being
as i watch
the careless sheep
mill about
stupidly
absentmindedly
as if they
are the only
one's that matter
in this world
and i watch
seething
loathing
and hoping
they all wash away
in a storm
far away
from me.
--------------------------

Word of the day Poem:23
Exigency

Exigency plagues my heart
so deeply that
now my ears
are hushed
in a constant rush
like being
submerged
head first
into the salty sea
and all I see
is
RED
RED
RED
and wish for them
to bleed
and be dead

Tension rising
riding high
inside
like tsunami
tides
and my soul
can't take the
friction
squeezing the muscles
in my fists
because all I can do is
raise my tiny wrists
in pseudo protest
that doesn't do
a fucking thing
anyway

And today
like so many others
I watch them walk
sisters, fathers, mothers, brothers
oblivious
to the lies and hypocrisies
that seem so very clear to me
and I feel like I'm the only one
who truly
sees
and I fear going
completely insane
because the truth
is boiling my brain
and if i give in to the
rage inside
everyone one of them
better run and hide
because the fire
burning deep in me
will wash over them in threes
and I won't hold back from
this aerial attack

Now that silence is
falling deep deep inside
the hush
rush of blood
is all i hear at night
and I watch them still
as I hold my breath
I watch them still
wishing their death
because they've killed
everything and everyone
and taken my land
and I am left gutted
because of these sins of man

Left gutted with only
rage
hate
fire
and the need
to purge the earth of their disease

Exigency
be with me tonight
and hope to God
you're not in my sight.
------------------

Word of the day Poem 24:
Buss

My heart beats faster
heat increasing
breath caught in my throat
small beads of sweat forming
on the back of my neck
as you stand behind me
watching but never
touching
as i day dream
about your
lips touching mine
even in passing
an accidental
tap
a buss
like the slide
of our cheeks
against one another
in the embrace of our hugs
i wait
watch
think
so lost
in my mind
in my desire to
to lock lips
and arms and hands
with you.
--------------------

Word of the day Poem 25:
Pejorative

There is a special place for you
Hypocrite
Liar
Deceiver
Neither a
Heaven
nor
Hell
But a place where
you are fed back
a full spoon
of the bullshit
you fed others during your life

Amazes me how you walk through
the world, dismissing others at your will
knowing nothing of what situations hold
not caring
to know either

Special places for you
will hold you
pejoratively
like you hold your
victims
under your thumb

Don't want to contact those
who stand up to your
disgusting servings?

Fine
By
Me
---------------

Word of the day Poem 26:
Avoirdupois

Avoirdupois
feelings hit my heart
so heavy
sometimes
that my arteries throb
chilling my blood
to be slow like honey
caught in time
by chance and weight and mine own
raspy winding mind

I scratch at it
until the dermis of it's fleshy self
bleeds
until lines tracing back to
the beginning

I try so hard to be light
starving my insides

But there is nothing but
heavy, heady, heart ache

Too much to handle
when in this world
I'm expected to simply do
but to never exist

I am avoirdupois
as I am green inside
turning slowly into envy's eyes
since it seems there is no
way to be satisfied...
-------------

Word of the day Poem 27:
Venerate

For you
my love runs deep
like the veins
running deep below
the ocean floors
a love so
deep
respect flows free
from my finger
tips
to yours

you move me
deep in my soul
a ravenous
love like birthing
nations
through the
tiny walls of
my womb

For you
my love runs
through valleys
through waves
through desserts
through pain

For you
my sister
reverence is
synonymous
with my love
for you.

Word of the Day Poem 11-15

2009-07-01T14:18:00.006-04:00

Word of the day Poem 11:
Thaumaturgy

It could only be an act of magic
some small miracle;
the ability to love
and be loved
to give
and be given
such emotion so
unconditionally
even when to do so
breaks your spirit
breaks your mind

love isn't suppose to hurt
but it does
and so
it's miraculous
a part of thaumaturgy
that any of us bother
with such a risk.
------------

Word of the day Poem 12:
Propinquity

Certain words ignite
my memories like tiny
fireworks playing hopscotch
behind
my eyes
when i think of your warm
lips slowly moving
across the curve of my neck
when i think of your teeth
biting into my flesh

reminds me of the nearness
of our bodies when your hands
moved up my back
behind my shoulder blades
to pull me closer into you

i think back on the curves of your
hips fitting perfectly into
the curves of my mine
as we laid in bed late at night
wiggling nearer to one another
for warmth
for comfort
for love
for sex

reminds me of your voice
whispering dirty words
from behind
in my ear
as i slept
waking me to your passion

reminds me of the rock of your
body against mine

and if i close my eyes
i can still hear you
breathing heavily
my name
escaping from your lips

propinquity in your language
the knowledge that that is how
it would always be
even in distant memories.
------------

Word of the Day Poem 13:
Velleity

The is no act of
velleity in this heart of mine

No small act of desire
I come to it ramped
like run away fires
dancing from roof to roof
waiting for my time
to come

I can't hold still anymore
in this dying shell
kingdom come is call me home
a journey I'd rather not travel alone

This is no act of velleity
There is no calm desire in me.
-------

Word of the Day Poem 14:
Frisson for Palestine

I remember the first moments
Fleeting, heart racing, movements
In my soul, like flips fluttering frantic
A break dance romance
Erupting in me
When our eyes met
When your lips touched
When I looked into her soul and she looked into mine
Palestine.

Her smell lingers
in my memory
A sweet perfume wrapping me in the comfort of home
A complete feeling
Bring hand to earth
Earth to body
Body to soul
Soul to sky
Sky to God
God to me
Palestine

Wrapped in her salty lands
Laying in the warmth of her womb
I miss the brush of olive tree leaves along my fingers
Soft stones beneath my feet
Salaam on the lips of those I meet
Twisting wrists and hips to dance like the curves of a grape leaf
I remember her
Like the waves and rocks of the Dead Sea
Against my body
Like the warmth of my cousins hand in mine
Like the chestnut curls of my hair matching theirs
I remember
Catching my breath
Palestine
Family
Home.
--------------

Word of the day Poem 15:
Labile

Adaptation
shifting through identities
avoiding deformities
or at least trying to steer
clear of ignorance
through mental sustenance

I shift, changing swift
like tides change hands with
mermaid lovers
leaves floating along the surface
of its wet skin
kissing the depths
of me
through the whispers of
Yamaja
Feet moving
Like the fire in my soul
moves to the music in my blood

Like the labile unborn souls
snuggling with me in my dreams
through the cold of the night
as i wait for the right time
to unleash their glory
unto the earth

I shift, changing swift
hair, eyes, skin
the color of flags long buried
waiting for the winds to change direction
waiting for true revolution to
wake my senses
and show me the way home.

Word of the Day Poem 6-10

2009-07-01T14:07:00.005-04:00

Word of the day Poem 6:
Pedestrian

slowly moving
through your
indecision

i move, wanting
to break the cycle
and you,
you continue to
kill me
sluggishly
deep
on the inside
instead of making it
fast
swift
dignified
respectful

instead,
it goes on and on
and
slowly
the clock ticks
it tocks
it rocks at my foundation
cellular piece
by
cellular piece

cracking at me

and
your lack
of imagination
baffles me still
as i watch you
chase your tail
from across the
street

your lack of imagination baffles me

so
pedestrian.
------------

Word of the day Poem 7:
Tetchy

on the way home
in this entrapment
of a metal box
your leg shakes
with nerves
with annoying
vibration
a reminder
that you sit
too close
and take up more space
than you should
next to me
and i
let it roll off my shoulders
try to let it go
not to be
tetchy
as many of my fellow riders can be
for no reason at all
other than sheer selfishness

you vibrate
you smell
you're rude and
cough without covering
your fucking mouth
and
you read the post
arms outstretched
legs wide opened
as if you hold large luggage
between your thighs
and i
think back on step 6
and say to God
to remove all character
defects from me
as i day dream about
snatching the paper
from your hands and
beating you with it.
-------------

Word of the day Poem 8:
Elucidate

I took a breath
sky clear, blue like the bottom of the ocean
near Cancun
the clouds dancing
and shaped like
the elephants from
dumbo

I inhale, avoiding
smokers who walk
like slow moving giants all about me
I always manage to get stuck
behind their smokey bodies
but this time
i maneuver
i dash
i avoid
to keep clear as i inhale
as i exhale
as i clear the air
to keep me from screaming

so that i can elucidate
manifest
make this situation clear
of everything and anything
that may be assumed
to keep the panic
clear from my voice
as i tell you news
that seems horrible to me

i took a breath
and surprisingly
i didn't crumple
into my tears and dissolve
instead
my chin lifted to the sky
and i
i knew that sometimes
even Queens
have really bad days.
--------------

Word of the day Poem 9: Florid

Shining bright
her golden brown arms and legs
wrapped around her own body
and on the floor
through the air
along my soul
contorting
flexing
her florid
dress
vibrant
like fire
like love
like passion
like blood
bright like the blush
of my cheek
as i watched her thrust
her hips in my direction
oceans of fluid motion waving along her
skin like dreams of
mothers womb, soft comfort
watching this woman warrior
this dancer
this lover of color
of movement
of life
move her soul
through dance
through fire
through me.
-----------

Word of the day Poem 10:
Veracity

The other day, I walked along
Mott street being struck by memories
like tiny wings of truth
brushing along my cheeks

Heavy bags full of pictures
and cardboard holders
made the blood in my hands rush
to surface as I waddled along
hoping my smallish hands wouldn't
give out

To my right, dark dead ducks
hang by their feet in a shop
my Aunt Vicky and i use to buy honey pork buns from,
by the dozen in my early teens

Down the block from that
was an ice cream shop I passed
the day of the black out years ago
when I taught a creative writing class
on 34th street and walked with several folks
down to Wendy's house in Chinatown in
the August heat

On another side street, after Baxter,
was a small massage parlor my ex and I went to
one Saturday afternoon and the next to it, the shop
where he bought red pills called "Tiger Penis"
which were supposed to be a natural sexual stimulant
but made him sleepy instead

One block down from there
a Catholic church that I shot footage in
over 10 years ago, making a film with CreateNow
called Snap Shots
The musical soundtrack, a song I wrote and played
on guitar, lost in memory
lost in old age
lost in my smiling teenage face
a distant and gone version of me

Across the street from the church
my final destination
to drop of those damned heavy pictures

Once I saw the place I thought I remembered
from a delivery, I realized I remembered it
because my ex and I had had duck there, years ago
when Saturdays were our days to be,
just be,
to bask in each others bodies
planting small kisses on each others faces
before a late breakfast
showers together
and
a ride downtown, away from the tourists and
annoying sidewalk blocking people,
to explore the city
to be
with each other

I stood in front of this place
the final destination
before my ride back to Queens
flooded by years of memories
some available, some lost along the way
hoping that years from now
the memories would continue to come

I stood remembering his smile, his smell
the cameras we used to shoot our movie
the massage oil
the smell of pork buns
the look of melting ice cream in a black out
my addiction to remembering
and the desire to always have it.

Word of the Day Poem 1-5

2009-07-01T14:01:00.002-04:00

Word of the Day Poem 1:
Osteopath

Consider structure
Bones touching bones
Condensation building in milky sticks of life
Deformities breaking down
Flexing muscle, flexing core
Treat me
Before crippled walking ends me
Practitioner of healing
Manipulate this shell
Into function
Bring me into myself
Consider structure
Bones grinding bones
Wearing down
Leaving piles of dust in my steps
Sending my essence to the wind
Osteopath
Heal me
-------------------

Word of the day poem 2:
Burnish

A knob
built of tiny brown particles
digs into the
dip of skin
between the bottom of
my back
and the top of
my behind

i shine it
unconsciously
as i sway
to and fro
contemplating
whether i should
stay or go

my shirt
has made an excellent
polisher
in the midst
indecisiveness.
-------------

Word of the day Poem 3:
Nocuous

Although I know
what you mean
when you mean
why you mean
to say the things
you say
i also know
that it cuts me
deep
like venom
like slicing
into skin
an accidental
reality
of your ego
sharp
cowardly
nocuous.
-----------------

Word of the day poem 4:
Sanguine

Basking in shades
the color of
arteries
your face glided
through emotions
in the shadows
of the night

sanguine
red with confidence

cigarette smoke unfurling
from your pale pink lips
curling around the ends
of the hairs on your chin

the memory of
beet juice dripping
from their brown and gray tips
at dinner

remembering that
optimism has never
been your strong suit.
-------------

Word of the day Poem 5:
Equine

Guiltless,
you shine
gallop
prancing
to and fro
through wilderness
through grass
through time
face bold
equine
fierce
you exist
to please
no one
but the
gods from which
you've descended
from.

Fallen off, but Im back!

2009-07-01T13:58:00.001-04:00

So it's been a long time. Too damn long. Since feb long! I suppose life got busy, got "in the way" of the writing, although I've continued writing through it all. I just haven't posted it on here. I'll be putting my word of the day poems on here as well, since they're on facebook and I'll go back to writing again daily, because, well, I miss it and because folks are interested. So here we go.

From my Broken Heart to yours: Ana Gaza, Inti Gaza

2009-02-02T11:31:00.000-05:00

The first morning, I watched clutching my robe, my heart struggling to beat, hot tears stinging the backs of my eyes. I watched, paralyzed by the image of bombs dropping, of fathers running, carrying bloody children in their arms. I watched and felt so powerless.

It still amazes me, even though I know it's nothing new, that the media in the US can be so one-sided. It's appalling to me that they don't use their journalistic and investigative skills to look at the root cause. It is right for Israel to only "defend" itself? Why is it not okay for Palestinians to defend themselves? And why hasn't the Israel gov't said the truth about how many folks Hamas hasn't hurt with their retaliation?

I wonder and think back to riding the 18 bus from Ramallah to Jerusalem. Several times, I road back and forth between the West bank to Jerusalem. Being accosted by young soldiers with M-16's who were hot and bored and had itchy trigger fingers. I road in silence, trembling with the desire to say something of substance when they'd harass young mothers, other foreigners, teenagers who were equally bored or scared or frustrated with concrete walls and in guns in their faces.

Lets take a look at history and simplify it if we can. Lets say that you lived in a house a very very long time ago and it's been sold/given away and other generations have lived there. Other families doing just fine. And they know you're going through a hard time and are saying, "Okay, you're having a hard time, you can come and stay with us for a little while if you like," and their response is, "We're not going to stay for a little while, we're going to stay and you can go live in the dog house in the backyard and you can only go ten feet out on each side of the dog house and nothing more. And if you move, we'll shoot you." That's the situation in a nutshell. Of course there were Jews in the country already, but no one was trying to kick other folks out of their houses or off their lands.

I think back to my cousins and aunts and uncles not being able to leave the West Bank and see all the things I got to see in person. And being searched, having their bags looked in, having their trunks turned upside down, having their children scared.

I wanted to go to Gaza, but the farther south you go, the worse the soldiers are, the more security there is. No one rides the bus to the last stop I've heard. No one hardly dares unless they're with the news or an organization in their own car and even then, you need permission way in advance.

Human nature shows that when put between a rock and a hard place, you're going to want to fight back. You're going to push back against that rock because you're not going to sit there and get crushed. If someone, for example, from NY was only allowed to go from 14th street to 42nd street and only 125th when the Mayor felt like it and no where else and searched all the time, have your lights and water cut off periodically, be treated like an animal, you'd want to lash out too.

Palestinians and other Arabs alike didn't just start bombing and fighting out of no where. This didn't just HAPPEN because of boredom or evilness or Islam. This didn't just happen for no reason. Palestinians are fighting the way the Jews fought to stay alive during the holocaust. The Israels are treating Palestinians the same way they were treated. Just as a child abused might grow up and abuse their children.

So Israel can defend itself and Palestine can't? I don't condone either side. There shouldn't be any fighting. But there is. I just want folks to see why. Its not one-sided. Its not the mighty innocent Israel taking out those bad Palestinians. It's a genocide and a Palestinian Holocaust. Tell it like it is. For real and stop worrying about being PC. And why should Americans care? Because its our tax dollars that are paying for the weapons that Israel is using.

The demon inside

2008-11-07T17:02:00.005-05:00

A few weeks ago I watched an episode of True Blood, where one of the characters is dealing with Alcohol addictions. Instead of seeking out another unsuccessful meeting, she went to a woman who performed an exorcism because they both believed that her Alcohol addiction was a demon possessing her and making her do these things, making her act out, making her drink so much that she couldn't live or function and was ruining her. When she talked about her addiction, she talked about it referring to the demon making her do things.

Conceptually I understand that. I understand fully from what she meant. From personal experience and from watching others with an addiction. You are, for all intents and purposes, possessed by a demon/addiction/disease that you have no control over. Similar to my own battle with my Lupus. My control is very limited. There is only so much you can do. And so goes it with addiction.

Recently someone I love very much described it the same way. Described their battle with addiction like a demon. An evil gnawing demon, eating away at their insides. Making them do things they didn't really want to do or couldn't remember doing.

The more I go to the meetings with them, the more I see how in denial I've been about having a problem myself. The more I see just how important it will be to have an intervention for my mom. The more I see how very important it is to go to these meetings every damn day.

I keep hearing so many folks say that being an addict is a disease. I disease that tells you you DON'T have a disease. But it is one. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain and in the DNA that causes you to not be able to control or stop using. That is what it does.

Let's hope it doesn't eat away at the people I care about who are battling it. Lets hope it doesn't eat away at me as I battle it.

To be a mother and have a demanding career is Haram?

2008-10-25T06:27:00.001-04:00

In Palestine, like many other countries in the Mid-East and Africa (or even folks from those countries who are in the US), the role of the Mother is very important. She takes care of everything her child(ren) need. In Palestine, most people are married by at least 21 or 22. And they stay married 95% of the time. Divorce doesn't happen here much. Not because of being forced to stay though.
As my cousin Shyma explained, there are people in place to help mediate at every juncture of the marriage. She's one of those people. She's not a therapist or a lawyer. She's a nurse. But because she's the head staff nurse at 2 large clinics and a hospital (she shares her time between them), she has a lot of interaction with the women who come. She doesn't do the medical stuff with them and their children. She talks to them about their lives, their problems. How to best work things out. That's how many people work things out here. And it works.

She has many young mothers come through (pediatrics is her specialty, but she works with the mothers as well as people too) to help them deal with being a mother because so many of them just got married or have been married for a while and now have a baby to take care of and although they have the help of their families, they don't feel like they are up to being mothers. Sound familiar? Only here, someone will help you. You won't be left high and dry to just work it out. And people helping you actually care. I guess that's the difference between social work in the US and social work here. The people have BEEN directly affected by the issue and so they know what it's like. As opposed to so many Social Workie folks in the US who have no idea what its like and start to not care.

The problem though with this now is that my cousin is being there for all these women and working a lot. She's at home still, doing things, but with very limited she. She also has a 2 1/2 year old and 4 year old. She's there for them as much as she can be. But she also wants to do her job. Her kids are at my aunts house, their grandmothers, after school when she's done teaching so it's no problem and then my cousin picks them up. She'll hang out here and then go home. She says her husband use to never help out, but now he helps a little bit. It would be one thing if she wasn't working full time AND helping her father with his driving school, but she is. In the US, it's "Normal" behavior if you're working a lot for whatever reason and someone else has to watch your kids, you do what you have to do and spend some time with them. Here that's no acceptable. My aunt says it's a sin. It's a sin to have a demanding career and kids and have to sacrifice some time? Hm. Perhaps, but it's reality. She's trying to save up to build a house. That's going to take work. She's going to have to sacrifice some time. And besides, that's what grandma's are for, right? I'm sure if it was up to my cousin, she would have waited a little while longer to get married. She's 26. She's been married 4 years. They don't really do birth control here. Of course she could get some since she's a nurse, but like the Catholics, it's grow and prosper here.

And don't get me wrong. She loves her kids and her husband. She was in love with him before they got married, so it wasn't like a random forced marriage. They went to college together. He graduated 2 years before her, but they kept in touch. He went to her dad and asked to marry her and they said to wait until she graduated and they did. She was grateful that her father did that. She probably would have never finished school if she got married at 19. She probably would have had more children and not following her dreams.

She feels the stress though,as any young mother would, to have her children and her job. To not get burnt out from doing both full time and trying to make a house. Of course it's harder when her husband wont cook or clean. It makes it harder. But hell, that's not new. That's been the role play for a long time all over the place. Of course in the US, if the dad sticks around, it can possibly be more of a partnership.
I told her to talk with him. She has. He's better than he used to be, she says.
I told her that sometimes with men that come from this kind of thinking, you have to trick them into doing more. She agreed. It just is the way it is. What can she do?
She said that things were nice, all lovey before they got married and when they first got married and then after a bit of time, she saw that he was different than she though and he saw that she was different than she thought. Sounds familiar, but for different reasons. In the US, folks say it's because "people change" after marriage in terms of what they want and commitment and all that. Clearly folks aren't spending enough time with each other, living with each other, knowing each other BEFORE they get married. But in my cousins instance, it's more like he thought she'd be a submissive yes sir wife who would above all put her family before her career and do everything for him on hands and knees...or something along those lines. And she thought he was the perfect guy, who would do romantic gestures all the time and help her, not treat her like a servant and then be a more active father once the kids came. They both had a fantasy that wasn't very close to reality and after 4 years of marriage, they are learning that they're going to have to really work with each other and be a partnership...even if it still won't be equal, it's better than it use to be. Hopefully it'll continue to get better for her.

Why is it a bad thing to have your career and your family? Sometimes it's gonna be hard. Sometimes you're going to spend more time at work, than with your kids. Any young adult trying make a better life for their family is going to go through this. She's not rich. She has to work for what she needs to do. If she wants to send her kids to college. If she wants to build a house (folks don't really buy houses here... they buy a plot of land and build a house on it...it's waaaaaaay less expensive to do all of that than it will ever be to buy a house in the US...crazy huh?)

Just wanted to write about that a bit.

I'm getting distracted, so I'll leave it that that.

Would it be easier to be a man? [and then some]

2008-10-24T16:45:00.003-04:00

I meant to write about this a few days ago, but got busy with being in Palestine and writing about that journey. But all the while (for the last few days) I've been thinking about this:

Would it be easier to be a man here?

AND

Would it be easier if I more Arab looking and/or more Muslima looking?

I've been thinking a lot about this for several reasons.

I thought about being a man instead. Probably would be worse off. These days being a Palestinian man gets you just as much trouble as being a black man in America. Just like when my brother walks the street and is looked at like a black man and is harassed, so I would be too. I suppose in some ways, it's helped that I'm a "harmless" looking woman. Aside from my name, you can't tell where I come from or whats running through my blood.

Then again, maybe in being here, I'd be given more power. Treated differently if I were a man. If only I could dress up, play the part. But my body screams woman. I'm not opposed to dressing like a man.

Of course I could go on and on about sexism everywhere. About the power of women anywhere in the world, including in the US, in NY, in my neighborhood in Queens.

Walking through the streets of Ramallah, Palestine, I get a lot of looks. And I've been thinking about these looks. Part of it, I've been told is that the men like how I look. Okay, fine. There's that.
And then there's being a woman who walks with confidence. Its of course not like women walk around here like they don't have confidence, but they walk different. Maybe it's all the high heeled sandals. Who knows?
And THEN I think it's also it's because they can't tell what else I am. They can see that I'm something more than just Palestinian. Of course the folks in the country look all shades of the spectrum, but there's something about them that says, yeah, you're Palestinian. I've got that and then something else.

Maybe it's the hair. I know the only arabs I've seen with hair more so like mine are some Egyptians. It's of course my black side that makes my hair curlier and kinkier. My dad had looser, wavier curls. Mine are tighter.

So that's some of that.

Maybe I'll write more about this later.

Wednesday Oct 15th 7:20pm Adios Bar

2008-10-17T16:58:00.004-04:00

A small journal entry I wrote the other night. Sort of Palestine related, BUT more about how I was feeling at the moment. So it's here instead of in the other blog.

I feel sick, like I have a cold. My head aches. My nose has been stuffy and runny. I can't really breathe. I'm having a good time, yes, BUT I'm feeling sick.

I'm at a place called Adios. Stone walls, soft candles, flowing alcohol and Spanish Music. Reminds me of Mexico. But this is not Mexico. This is Palestine.
This is a very relaxed Wednesday night in an Arab Community. Some Muslim. Some Christian. Some don't care. I needed some time away. To myself. The family worries. They don't want me out alone or with friends they don't know. Really? Hm.
They know me, but they don't really know me. My arabic isn't good enough for them to know my struggles. To know what I've done my entire life and what I've been through. They don't know me. And even when my Arabic gets better, they still won't.
The pain, torment, depression, addiction through out my life and in the family. How do I explain?
Abuse, self-destruction, complex sexuality. How? And why?
They knew where I was all this time. Why was it my job to seek them all out? Why was I the one who had to pursue them when they were the older aunts and uncles and family? They were the adults. It's their job to take care of me. Maybe that's why they want to do all these things for me.
Of course obligation in Arab and muslim culture make it so, but also guilt. They didn't know I had been sick this whole time. Or that I struggled to do schoo and worka t the same time. They still don't know the financial struggles I had and we had at home. Of course they didn't. How could they know? Was my uncle in NY going to tell them? Was my mom?

The more I think about it, the more my head feels the pressure. The more my head aches with this feeling of, "if I never wrote to them, would they have bpthered to look for me, to want me to be part of them?"

Maybe they did try and were unsuccessful. Maybe things were too busy and life was too hard. Maybe they forgot about me. Maybe. Maybe.

I sit in this place, watching Arabic music videos. The women who sing are clearly not Muslim Arabs. Or not very religious Muslims. All the songs ooz sexuality without showing too much skin or sexual contact between them and the men. It's sexual without being tasteless, like American videos. They all have very thin eyebrows. Very dark eye make up that brings out the color and almond shape of their eyes. Light skin. Long wavy or curled hair. Very beautiful. Syrian. Turkish. Lebonese. Egyptian. Not sure if any of them are Palestinian. Maybe there are and I don't know. Maybe I should do more research. My little cousin knows. She's about 12 or 13. Of course she knows all the Arab singers.

She thinks my life is like on TV because I'm in Amreeka. They thought NY was a different country from America. They think we're all like Bush. How can I blame them for thinking that? The US shows the world its ass. And we suffer for it.

I sit with my wine. Men come in here slowly but surely for beer. It's now 8pm. I write. Eat carrots with vinegar and nuts. Drink red wine. Maybe I look out of place here. The man who runs this place talked to me about the hotel for a while. The Grand Park is above Adios. I read about it in my travel book and decided to check it out. It's different from what the book says because they renovated the previous year. I was looking forward to the pool table, but it's gone. They're going for a more classy, membership based type feel. Thats what he says at least.
The man changed the music from Spanish to Russin. Now to John Lee Hooker.
I have this JL Hooker album at home.

All the men sit at the end of the bar. They drink tall glasses of beer, chain smoking their cigarettes, looking at me.

I wear my hair straight back out of my face in a bun. I've heard I look so different when my hair is straight back instead of curling all around my face. I wore my new green and silver coined earrings and necklace. I bought them in Jerusalem and the coins are older than my great grand father. Dark green scarf wrapped around my shoulders. A long sleeved black shirt I borrowed from my cousin. Olive green pants my aunt bought me. Black flip flops.

My hands fliding over my notebook. My pen and paper the guide. Arabic tongue surrounded by African American blues. How poetic. How me. The manager tells me he feels connected to southern blues. He feels the words. The music. The message. Rhythm and guitar vibrating softly against the stone walls. The softness of the candles. The light from the television glowing on the faces of the men.

I continue to eat peanuts and carrots.

The men look down. They want to be up again. The manager asks me if I mind if we listen to Arabic music. I tell him I love Arabic music. One of the men hand him a cd. John Lee Hooker and his blues is paused.

The music starts.

A man sings about a woman named Leila. Drums and flute. Accordian and guitar. His voice vibrates, moves me. Is smooth like this wine. The music gives me chills. The hairs stand up on my arms and legs. I feel the need, desire to dance. But I am immoble. I feel bashful. The men here are much older. Different. The atmosphere isn't that of other bars whether in NY or Palestine. It is what it is.

They change the music again. A southern country blues. Black man singing. Music sounds from around Alabama or somewhere down there. A video that played 30 mins ago is playing again.
It's 8:35pm. Almost time to go. I ask for my check. The manager tells me to bring my friends here and we'll have a good time. Tells me if I want a membership, I can get one. I tell him sure, I'll tell people. I pay. I spend $20 on 3 glasses of wine and me time. I'm sated. I leave. Time to go back. I still feel sick. But I am having a good time. Yes, I am having a good time.

Hope you're reading my Palestine blog!

2008-10-17T06:51:00.001-04:00

Hey folks. In case you didn't see the link on the Palestine blog, here it is again.
I will have some writing in here during my stay, BUT most of the writing will be in the palestine blog.
Take a look see. www.emanrimawiinpalestine.blogspot.com

Let me know what you think

My Palestine Blog-- stay informed

2008-09-26T23:27:00.003-04:00

Don't forget to read that too! :)
www.emanrimawiinpalestine.blogspot.com

I'm leaving next week, so you're going to want to be up on ALLLLLLLLL thing Pali that I'm doing :) Of course I'll still be writing on here, but this will be about all kinds of things.

ok. self-promoting done.... for now! :)

Desires of the body. Desires of the mind

2008-09-23T02:16:00.002-04:00

When we deprive ourselves of the things we want; the things we need, we start to lose it a little. Well, maybe not lose it in the sense of not being able to control yourself. Lose it in the sense of having heightened senses. Where touch, taste, smell, sound, sight.... it's all louder, all brighter, all the more intense to distract you with.
When we deprive ourselves, we become more out of tune with ourselves and can't see past the senses. So someone crossing their legs, the way lips move, the smell of skin, the rhythm of a voice. It's all too much to bare. All too much. All too intense.
Almost to where you live in your day dreams until someone finally grabs a hold of you and gives you what you desire. Or until you're finally able to get it.
Let's see which'll come first.

Fear: An illusion of the mind or a warning of what's to come

2008-09-18T01:46:00.005-04:00

Why do we fear the things we fear? What happened in our past lives, in the womb, in our childhoods to make us afraid of the things we are afraid of? Why does the dark make us uneasy? Or crawlie things. Or is it something in our genetic make-up to make us fear things in general.

What is fear?
Fear is:

1.	a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2.	a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3.	concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4.	reverential awe, esp. toward God.

that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

I find now that I don't do what I did sometimes when
I was a child. If I was afraid, my first instinct
was maybe to duck
and cover. I grew out of it and now when I'm
afraid, I seek out that
which scares me. I find that even though it makes
me afraid, facing it is better
than being a coward. I still have the fear of course,
but I face it either way.
Heart pounding sweaty palmed and all. Why not, right?

Let's hope I can keep that up.

Ours: a collection of videos and thoughts

2008-09-17T01:30:00.005-04:00

I'm going to see them this friday.
Sometimes when it's late and I can't sleep, I listen to their songs and the lyrics help to sort of put things in perspective. His voice is also just really nice. Jimmy is a lot like Jeff Buckley in voice and even with some of the lyrics. Maybe thats why I like him so much. So melodic.
Here are a few more songs/videos I like

an oldie but goodie and also very amazing lyrics and voice

I love that he sang this song... the sound is a little yucky, but I know how his voice sounds :)

great video

and yes, mercy for the meek, please

http://www.ours.net/
So, who is Ours, you ask? Well Ours began in 1992, and built a strong following playing shows in New York City. By 1997, the band had sparked a label bidding war, and when the smoke settled, they signed a deal with Dreamworks Records. For their first record, Distorted Lullabies, Ours worked with legendary producer Steve Lillywhite. The record was released in 2001, and was met with beaming critical praise, and fervent fan appreciation. Their single "Sometimes" enjoyed heavy rotation at both radio and MTV2. Ours followed up Distorted Lullabies in 2003 with Precious, helmed by critically acclaimed producer, Ethan Johns. For the past 4 years, Ours have been meticulously crafting their 3rd record with world renowned producer Rick Rubin. NOW ON SALE, the lush, sweeping, and transcendent Mercy (Dancing for the Death of an Imaginary Enemy) is the record Ours were destined to make.

A letter never sent OR Family is a Promise 2

2008-09-16T00:15:00.002-04:00

I had to write something. To someone and you're the first person that came into my mind. I wanted to call, but you're sleeping and hopefully I'll be sleeping soon too.

My heart feels so full. I wish it was of love, but tonight if felt as though it was going to shatter. And the shards would scatter about like shiny crystal jewels waiting to cut an unsuspecting admirer. I wish sometimes that I could just run away from everything. To pick up and leave, turning my back completely and turning off everything I feel for those around me.

I remember being 9 years old and writing a letter. I wrote it over and over a few times, trying to get down everything I wanted to say, but being short enough not to bore anyone. My run away letter was something I started at 9. And I feel as though it recited and written along my heart, following my journey every where I go.
Most of the times I don't even think about it. I don't even remember the memory. But days like today make me remember. It brings me back to that place where I hate my mother a little because of how's shes been and what she's done. It brings me back to who I really am and who I think and everyone thinks I am. Brings me back to how painful it feels to really truly think about whats going to happen between us.
It brings me back to the guilt, the shame, the pain I feel.

I feel sometimes that the deeper I go into therapy, the harder it is to forget the 9 year old me. This is the bottom and I am working my way back up to being healed I suppose. I write this and I'll probably never send it to you. Probably put it in my blog and leave it be. Because the truth is hard. The truth is painful. The truth is what makes me want to run away. It's hard to breathe when the truth feels like this. Hard to want to be alive. And yet I am.

I sit here and cry these tears and try to let go. And a big part of me can't. I'm 24, almost 25 already and feel like nothing. And yet I know how accomplished I am. I know whats I've done with my life. But I also know that I am less than I use to be. I am held back. I am damaged. And that leaves me alone. All by myself. In the darkness. And I welcome the darkness because no one can really see me. It feels safe. But it's not all that good.

I wish. I wish to God that we could be. We could just be who we are supposed to be, in the world, to each other. But we can't. You are not going to change. You just aren't. And I have to ask myself: Am I willing to sit by and let you do what you want to do and just take it OR do I admit the truth and walk away? Let myself mourn my loss and move on.

My deranged aunt get out of jail in December. I don't know who she'll come looking for, but I don't want her to find me. My mother won't stop drinking and for all the problems she has, she blames someone else. My father was mean to me a lot of the times, a womanizer and I look just like him. The man I love just can't stay faithful... its just not in his nature, but he says he loves me.I love them. I love them all so very much and yet they pain me. Their humanity pains me.

I'm trying not to be an addict. To fight whats inside of me. I'm trying to live and survive and be. Especially out of all the imperfections I come with.

I was ok. Last couple weeks, the darkness was there, but I was ok. Focusing on my manifestation board. Focusing on all the good that was happening and continues to happen. And then the darkness got darker, sucked me under, plagued me with its sweet sweet song and lulled me into its arms. And now my face is tear stained and all I can't think about is running away.

And I have therapy tomorrow. Sigh.

I don't know if I can write anymore. I still have all this light from other angles in my life. My trip. My work. My apartment. But the darkness is there, creeping along.Reminding me of all the problems in my life. Reminding me that they are the constant, not the light, joyful things.

I need to breathe, take a moment and get back out there; collected and ready to keep it moving.

If only it were that easy.

My Palestine Blog

2008-09-09T18:09:00.004-04:00

Ok folks. So I know it's a little redundant to have TWO different blogs, but I actually think it's a good idea. Dave suggested it for a very simple reason and I thought it was a good idea. I'm working on a manuscript for a book about my whole finding my Palestinian self. And since I'll be writing about it all the time before I go and during my trip, it just made sense to do it that way. A lot of the writing might be in the manuscript, so why not. I'll also put some pics and videos on there too.
Most videos and pictures will be up on my website (www.emanrimawi.com) though, BUT if you'd like to come on my adventure of self discovery, then read the blogs. Both of them actually.
This one is opened to everything and anything that comes to my mind. The Palestine one is going to be dedicated to my trip, my heritage and my continuous journey with that.

Just thought I'd say that.
www.emanrimawiinpalestine.blogspot.com is the link. If for some reason its not working, the link is in my profile from this blog :)

Happy Reading! And Happy Ramadan for those who celebrate!

Hell and Damnation :OR: Trials and Tribulations of the Diseased 2

2008-08-27T20:49:00.004-04:00

A continuation of the writing I started the other day. Felt as though I needed to finish my thought on the very physical manifestation of the monster that is my lupus.....

Its skin shines off the distant light, smooth and hairless. A black so dark that hints of blue and purple shimmer as it moves to take me. Almost as if beauty lies within the dark shades of its skin. A dark that comforts me most days, a dark that gives me warmth, keeps me safe. And in the same breath, snatches the breath from my throat, chocking the life from me, chocking the life from body. Bringing claw to flesh to darkness to swallow me whole, swallow me into the dank air.
It pulls hard and fast, almost to quick for a reaction right away. And I. I am never quick enough to react. Who could be? The claws are long and sharp. A wrong twist or turn could split open a vein, cutting away more of my mortality.

It's voice though is smooth. As smooth and beautiful as its blue blackness. Sweet and sickly like too much honey, it shivers the lining of my soul, warming my flesh into inflammation and pain. A slow throbbing ache brought on by the melodic chanting of its voice. A Rapture-like thrumming, like the chime of the end time trumpets. It calls to me.

"Eman," it whispers. A slow winding river of that sickly sweet honey. "Eman, let me in."

Sing-song in it's approach, the sickness is tempting. Creeping up slowly, clawing quietly as it makes its way towards me. Its voice disguised as something good. As a means to an end. And that is what it means to do. End the "suffering" it causes and that life causes. That is what it wants to be let into. Into the depths of my soul to unleash me into and back to the earth and heavens from whence I came. That is its desire. After all, that is what the Lupus is. That is what it means. That is what it does. It attacks me. It treats my body, my blood, my heart, me as if I am the enemy. As if I am a sickness. As if I am the disease that needs to be fought. And it fights hard. Because what match am I against claws and strength and darkness. It's everywhere, surrounding and all knowing. And I am solitary and knowing only what a human can know.

"Eman, let me in. Let me do what must be done." Sssssickly sweet is its voice. You almost want to let it take you. Like the cool rush of pain and pleasure from a bite. Almost too much, almost not enough. Almost wanting the bite to be harder, to draw blood, to drain you of life. Almost. Almost. But never entirely. Never. Or maybe the temptation is too great. The voice too sweet to deny. The bite too drawing in its darkness to resist.

There is one difference though. There is NEVER any pleasure in the pain I endure from the darkness that is my Lupus. Never anything tempting me to want to dive deeper into it. I'd rather it the tempting fangs of an evil vampire ready to strike, to kill me, than this god forsaken disease which wishes to kill me off this planet. That is its desire. Because, after all, that is its nature. Who am I to deny nature? I usual circumstances, I'd be fine with letting nature take its course, only this is my life.

It beckons for me to do so though. It whispers to me through the dark, making death sound so sweet. Soothing and cooing me through dreams of lying in coffins and eulogies. And if sweetness doesn't work on it, that is when I am snatched from my surroundings and pulled under by claws and darkness. That is when sharp nails grab into my flesh, bruising and bleeding me. Attacking heart and spleen and brain and joints and muscles and bones and sanity. Attacking all of me, leaving me weak and hopeless after the fight.

It toys with me, making me think I've maybe won after getting away for a moment. But there is no winning. It is the master of the game. It is in charge. It made the game, nows every rule, every passage, every way to play. There is no winning for me. I'm not even sure what the game is in the first place, so how can I play?

But the battle goes on. So it goes and goes and goes.........

May 7th 1983- A Wedding took place

2008-08-26T17:51:00.004-04:00

It's May 7th, 1983 and Evonne Walton took her vows with Firas Hamzeh Rimawi and became Mrs. Rimawi, his second wife after the first one didn't work out so well.

I don't know anything about his first wife. Only that she was Indian (from where I don't know). I'm sure if they had children, I would have known. I think.

Their smiles are so hopeful. So full of the promise of a new marriage. They'd known each other for a while by then. And by then it was "okay" for them to marry. In this picture, she's 17 and he's 25. They loved each other very much. Wanted to be parents. Wanted to have a wonderful life together. She wanted freedom from my Grandmother. He wanted to have the American Dream.

Less than a year later I was born April 23rd. Their first child. The bearer of their hopes and dreams and all that. A year a half after, my little brother was born July 9th. Also a bearer of their hopes and dreams. My fathers first son. His pride and joy. His mini-me. My mother lost children on the way. Siblings that I'll see on the other side. Siblings that never got to bear the brunt of this life. Siblings that were possibly reincarnated into other children, into cats, into trees, into air. Then the last of my mothers children was born September 20th 1989, my little sister. A prediction I foretold before anyone knew who she'd be. I just knew.

My parents had also been separated before her birth and then again a little while after. Too strong willed to let their love help them through it.

My father had another child in Jan 1998 with his third wife. I haven't seen my youngest brother since he was about 4 or 5 months old. After my father passed away, she decided to go back to Palestine.

So much has happened since those vows 25 years ago. A lot can happen in 25 years. People are born. They get old. They change. No longer bearers of affection. Gaining scars and scabs and tracks along the skin. No longer fresh, no longer doe eyed.....

Hell and Damnation :OR: Trials and Tribulations of the Diseased 1

2008-08-25T14:02:00.004-04:00

Should we be afraid of some kind of eternal hell? Is it not a worse punishment to be left to suffer with your own fragile mortality? Especially if you are alone, if you are sick, if you are already being tormented, already in pain. Isn't that already a living hell?
Daily pain. Daily torment. Daily solitude. Is that not hell?

I sometimes feel as though I am trapped in the hell of my body. Trapped with a sickness that only tears me apart, brings me down farther into the depths of darkness. Every time I feel I've brought myself back up, every time I feel as though I've come through another hurtle, it grabs me by the ankles while I'm watching my back for other things hiding in the dark and drags me kicking and screaming and biting and clawing. It drags me deeper and deeper into the dark abyss. Farther from the light, farther from those who are screaming out my name trying to save me, farther from the goodness and love and compassion and warmth that is in me. I struggle, fight against it. Sometimes breaking loose. Until it grabs me again, digging into the meat of my skin as its grip gets stronger, gets tighter, squeezes harder.

Do you know what it looks like? What it smells like? What it feels like? The claws are long and black, sharp and shiny like the corners of an obsidian blade. Beautiful and deadly. Ragged and smooth. It's claws are attached to long black fingers. Thin and arched for attack. Its skin shines off the distant light, smooth and hairless. A black so dark that hints of blue and purple shimmer as it moves to take me. Almost as if beauty lies within the dark shades of its skin......

Is opening up to love and trust worth it?

2008-08-24T03:53:00.003-04:00

Is it? Or will be all end up as tragic as any who succumbed wholly to it? Tragic a love as any, when we give ourselves wholly, it's... what is it?

Should we ever, ever trust so much in another individual as to give them access into our hearts, into our fears, in to our most vulnerable thoughts, moments and fears? Is it worth the possibility of them betraying your trust? Is it worth the possibility of having them break your heart into pieces, leaving you unwilling to ever trust again? Is opening up to anyone so wholly worth it at all?
Tristan and Isolde, Romeo and Juliet, Nicolas and Natalie to name a few. Complete and utter love. Complete and utter passion. Complete and utter tragedy. And they're the one's who claimed to be "true" to one another.

Why bother with any of it? You want to end up a tragedy? Want to end up with a broken heart? Want to pour your whole heart and soul out to someone just to have them tear your heart from your chest and crush it before your eyes? Why?

Am I going to bother anymore?

What do you think?

I have better things to do with my time.

In the end, we're all alone anyway. Might as well keep it that way to begin with. Go about your business, doing what needs to be done in your life, being happy with the things that you're doing. Love is a tricky, messy thing. Might as well avoid it at all costs.

What will I be doing that is better with my time?

You'll see.

Shingles and Lupus

2008-08-22T00:42:00.005-04:00

Apparently women who have lupus who have also had chicken pox are at an EVEN HIGHER risk of developing shingles because of our lupus flaring it up.

http://dailystrength.org/c/Lupus/forum/2787444-oh-no-shingles

http://www.wehavelupus.com/message-board-forum/about2103.html

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/archive/index.php/t-600067.html

Kind of crazy when you think about it. Some of the women on these boards have had it SEVERAL times. Can you imagine having this, this OR THIS more than once????? I know I can't. This one time is more than enough for me. Damn man! That's some shit.

What's interesting is that there is something that is part of the Chicken Pox virus (which is the same virus that shingles has) that is related to causing flare up's of auto immune diseases. Some of the women on these boards didn't have their first flares with lupus until after their chicken pox. Some a while after, some directly after. Is it something about the virus itself? The virus and chicken pox apparently puts you at risk for a secondary infection and since your immune system is weakened it could lead to a flare up of lupus (which is also already in your body due to being inherited) or some other auto immune disorder. A very interesting thought.

http://cerebel.com/lupus/lupus_question.php?q=7497
One site here though says that there's no "proof" that there's a link between the shingles and the lupus, BUT I feel as though there is plenty of proof through all the stories and listings of women who have lupus AND other auto immune disease AND are taking immunosuppressant drugs AND have had shingles dozens of times. I'm sorry, but that is just NOT a normal thing for anyone.

And what the hell kind of medieval shit is shingles anyway? I feel like a god damn wench or something. Of course it's on the side of my torso, so no one has to see it, but still. This is some painful ass shit. Here I thought that my lupus had thrown me everything it was ever going to throw me in terms of painful things or bad flares. It still gets bad, but I know how bad it can get. AND I thought that was bad, but no, this shit is far worse. I'd prefer to limp around on my bad hip over this any day. Besides the blisters on my side, the pain in my back and my side is just unbearable. I've had to be high as a kite for days now just to do things. And I can hardly do things because I'm purple hazed. Fucked up.

No site or anyone can tell me there's no connection between how fucked up the lupus has my immune system and this virus being flared up to cause this. There is some kind of connection between auto immune disorders and viruses that cause shingles and fucked up shit like it.

Ok. There's my rant for now. Back to the show for now

Some Headlines In World News Today

2008-08-21T23:32:00.005-04:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7575782.stm

(So says BBC news)

Israel has agreed to change the route of the controversial barrier it is building in and around the West Bank.

The deal will leave Palestinians more land near the largest Israeli settlement, Maale Adumim.
The decision came in response to complaints lodged by Palestinians with the Israeli High Court.
The Israeli government says it will move the barrier closer to the settlement to allow 400 hectares of Palestinian land to remain untouched. Maale Adumim is built on land claimed by the Palestinians for a future state and, like all settlements, is considered illegal under international law - although Israel rejects this. The Palestinians say the barrier violates their freedom of movement and robs them of their land, while Israel says it is needed to stop militant attacks.

Controversy
Israel began building the West Bank barrier in 2002. It has been widely criticised internationally for looping into Palestinian areas around Israeli settlements, rather than following the Green Line, which marks the boundary that separates Israel from the West Bank. The International Court of Justice ruled in 2004 that the barrier is illegal where it cuts into the West Bank and called for it to be pulled down. Only two of five changes of route ordered previously by the High Court have been carried out by the Israeli government.

UK bank gets Egyptian investment

Panmure thinks the move will provide access to new clients

Panmure Gordon, the British stockbroker and investment bank, has announced a large Egyptian bank will buy a share in its business for £3.2m.

EFG-Hermes, Egypt's largest investment bank by market value, has agreed to acquire 9.97% of Panmure. EFG-Hermes will pay £3.2m cash for some 6.7 million new shares at 47p each.

Panmure chairman Tony Caplin said the move was a good opportunity for each company to access the other's customer base and create new business streams.

"The markets we operate in are becoming more international and the opportunities available through a business relationship with EFG-Hermes are compelling," added Mr Caplin.

EFG-Hermes' chairman, Hassan Heikel, said the purchase would strengthen its strategy to service its Middle Eastern client base. Panmure Gordon has been in operation as a corporate and institutional stockbroker and investment bank for 130 years. It has a US subsidiary, ThinkPanmure, and about 280 employees in eight cities in the UK and the US. EFG-Hermes' clients include governments, corporations and individual investors. In June 2008, it had a market capitalisation of more than $3.5bn (£1.9bn). It employs 700 people and services clients from 13 offices in the Middle East and North Africa.

Scores killed in Somali clashes

Bakara market was also bombed on Tuesday

At least 50 people have reportedly been killed in clashes in the Somali capital Mogadishu and the port of Kismayo.

Some 30 people have been killed in two days of fierce fighting between Islamists and a clan militia in Kismayo, a BBC reporter says. Some mortars landed near the compound of President Abdullahi Yusuf, who is currently out of the country. Another landed near a mosque in the busy Bakara market, killing at least six people, a witness told the BBC.

At least 3,000 people are reported to have fled the fighting around Kismayo.
Witnesses say that after the mortars landed in Bakara and near the president's compound, government troops and their Ethiopian allies opened fire, killing several civilians.

One witness told the BBC that the mortar landed outside the mosque as people were preparing for prayers. He said that the wounded could not be evacuated for some time because of the horrific scenes. Ethiopian troops entered Somalia in December 2006, to oust Islamist forces from Mogadishu. Somalia has been without a functioning national government since 1991 and has suffered ongoing civil strife. The UN's World Food Programme is expanding its programme to feed 2.4 million people in Somalia by the end of the year.

Nigerian faces death for 86 wives

Mr Bello Abubakar challenged Muslim scholars two weeks ago

Nigeria's Islamic authority has told the man who has 86 wives to choose only four and repent within three days or else he will be sentenced to death.

The Jamatu Nasril Islam (JNI) passed their verdict on Mohammed Bello Abubakar, 84, according to Sharia law.
This comes two weeks after the Nigerian press and the BBC reported on the case. Talking to the media then, Mr Abubakar challenged Muslim scholars, saying there is no punishment stated in the Koran for having more than four wives.
However, Mr Abubakar advised other men not to follow his example and marry 86 women.

No limit

The former teacher and Muslim preacher lives in Niger State with his wives and at least 170 children, and says he is able to cope only with the help of God. "A man with 10 wives would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah. That is why I have been able to control 86 of them," he told the BBC. Most Muslim scholars agree that a man is allowed to have four wives, as long as he can treat them equally. But Mr Bello Abubakar told the BBC: "To my understanding the Koran does not place a limit and it is up to what your own power, your own endowment and ability allows.

"God did not say what the punishment should be for a man who has more than four wives, but he was specific about the punishment for fornication and adultery." Niger is one of the Muslim majority states to have reintroduced Sharia punishments since 2000.Several people have been sentenced to death for adultery by Sharia courts but none of these sentences have been carried out.

Well, I guess it's crazy all over the dang world, huh?

i have fu*king shingles!

2008-08-19T23:35:00.002-04:00

yep, thats right. lupus induced shingles. First really bad body pain, back aches, fever. This is also why I've had trouble sleeping all these weeks. And then the rash AND THEN to blisters. All on the right side of my torso. Very very painful and uncomfortable.

Thats all i've got to say right now about that

The sickness, the sorrow, no talks of tomorrow: The drugs that keep me alive

2008-08-17T00:22:00.004-04:00

Coumadin is an anticoagulant (blood thinner). It reduces the formation of blood clots. It works by blocking the synthesis of certain clotting factors. Without these clotting factors, blood clots are unable to form. Coumadin may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide (like in poisons used to kill rodents). This medication can cause birth defects in an unborn baby. Carry an ID card or wear a medical alert bracelet stating that you are taking Coumadin, in case of emergency. Coumadin interacts with many other drugs, and these interactions can be dangerous, even fatal. Avoid sudden changes in your diet. Vitamin K decreases the effects of Coumadin. Large amounts of vitamin K are found in foods such as liver, broccoli, brussels sprouts, spinach, Swiss chard, coriander, collards, cabbage, and other green leafy vegetables. Do not change the amount of these foods in your diet without first talking to your doctor. Avoid eating cranberries, drinking cranberry juice, or taking cranberry herbal products. Avoid drinking alcohol, which can increase some of the side effects of Coumadin. Do not take this medicine if you have:

a bleeding disorder such as hemophilia;
a blood cell disorder such as anemia;
a stomach ulcer or bleeding in the stomach;
a history of aneurysm, blood clot, or bleeding in your brain; or
an infection of your heart, fluid or swelling around your heart.

FDA pregnancy category X. Coumadin can cause miscarriage, stillbirth, birth defects, or fatal bleeding in an unborn baby. Do not use Coumadin if you are pregnant. Tell your doctor right away if you become pregnant during treatment. Use an effective form of birth control while you are using this medication.

Before taking Coumadin, tell your doctor if you have:

kidney disease;
liver disease;
celiac sprue (an intestinal disorder);
a recent injury, surgery, or medical emergency;
high blood pressure;
severe or uncontrolled diabetes;
polycythemia vera;
congestive heart failure;
cancer;
overactive thyroid;
a seizure disorder for which you take an anticonvulsant such as phenytoin (Dilantin) or phenobarbital (Luminal); or
a connective tissue disorder such as Marfan Syndrome, Sjogren syndrome, scleroderma, rheumatoid arthritis, or lupus.

Tramadol is an atypical opioid which is a centrally acting analgesic, used for treating moderate to severe pain. It is a synthetic agent, and appears to have actions on the μ-opioid receptor as well as the noradrenergic and serotonergic systems. The most commonly reported adverse drug reactions are nausea, vomiting, sweating and constipation. Drowsiness is reported, although it is less of an issue than for other opioids. Respiratory depression, a common side effect of most opioids, is not clinically significant in normal doses. By itself, it can decrease the seizure threshold. When combined with SSRIs, tricyclic antidepressants, or in patients with epilepsy, the seizure threshold is further decreased. Seizures have been reported in humans receiving excessive single oral doses (700 mg) or large intravenous doses (300 mg).

Hydroxychloroquine is used to prevent or treat malaria infections caused by mosquito bites. It does not work against certain types of malaria (chloroquine-resistant). The United States Center for Disease Control provides updated guidelines and travel recommendations for the prevention and treatment of malaria in different parts of the world. Discuss the most recent information with your doctor before traveling to areas where malaria occurs.

This medication is also used, usually with other medications, to treat certain auto-immune diseases (lupus, rheumatoid arthritis) when other medications have not worked or cannot be used. It belongs to a class of medications known as disease-modifying antirheumatic drugs (DMARDs). It can reduce skin problems in lupus and prevent swelling/pain in arthritis, though it is not known exactly how the drug works.

This medicine can cause nausea, stomach cramps, loss of appetite, diarrhea, dizziness, or headache may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly. This medication may infrequently cause serious (sometimes permanent) eye problems or muscle damage, especially if you take it for a long time. Seek immediate medical attention if any of these unlikely but very serious side effects occur: sensitivity to light, vision changes (e.g., blurred vision, seeing light flashes/streaks/halos, missing/blacked-out areas of vision), muscle weakness. A very serious allergic reaction is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of a serious allergic reaction may include: rash, itching, swelling, dizziness, trouble breathing.

and SOME of the meds I've taken in the past (can't remember them all...there have been so damn many)

Prednisone is in a class of drugs called steroids. Prednisone prevents the release of substances in the body that cause inflammation. Prednisone is used to treat many different conditions such as allergic disorders, skin conditions, ulcerative colitis, arthritis, lupus, psoriasis, or breathing disorders. Prednisone may also be used for other purposes not listed in this medication guide. Your steroid medication needs may change if you have any unusual stress such as a serious illness, fever or infection, or if you have surgery or a medical emergency. Prednisone can weaken your immune system, making it easier for you to get an infection or worsening an infection you already have or have recently had.

Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat. Call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:

problems with your vision;
swelling, rapid weight gain, feeling short of breath;
severe depression, unusual thoughts or behavior, seizure (convulsions);
bloody or tarry stools, coughing up blood;
pancreatitis (severe pain in your upper stomach spreading to your back, nausea and vomiting, fast heart rate);
low potassium (confusion, uneven heart rate, extreme thirst, increased urination, leg discomfort, muscle weakness or limp feeling); or
dangerously high blood pressure (severe headache, blurred vision, buzzing in your ears, anxiety, confusion, chest pain, shortness of breath, uneven heartbeats, seizure).

sleep problems (insomnia), mood changes;
acne, dry skin, thinning skin, bruising or discoloration;
slow wound healing;
increased sweating;
headache, dizziness, spinning sensation;
nausea, stomach pain, bloating; or
changes in the shape or location of body fat (especially in your arms, legs, face, neck, breasts, and waist).

They forgot to mention weakening of bones, joints and tissue, which can cause neucrosis, which I have in my right hip. A permanent damage, a permanent limp when it's bad. They also didn't emphasis that it can make you so depressed that you'll attempt suicide, your mood swings are so erratic that it's hard to function, your eye sight and hearing will be greatly changed and that you eat until it hurts.

Plavix keeps the platelets in your blood from coagulating (clotting) to prevent unwanted blood clots that can occur with certain heart or blood vessel conditions. Plavix is used to prevent blood clots after a recent heart attack or stroke, and in people with certain disorders of the heart or blood vessels. You may also have bleeding on the inside of your body, such as in your stomach or intestines. Call your doctor at once if you have black or bloody stools, or if you cough up blood or vomit that looks like coffee grounds. These could be signs of bleeding in your digestive tract. Avoid drinking alcohol while taking Plavix. Alcohol may increase your risk of bleeding in your stomach or intestines. Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat. Stop using Plavix and call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:

nosebleed or other bleeding that will not stop;
black, bloody, or tarry stools;
coughing up blood or vomit that looks like coffee grounds;
chest pain or heavy feeling, pain spreading to the arm or shoulder, nausea, sweating, general ill feeling;
sudden numbness or weakness, especially on one side of the body;
sudden headache, confusion, problems with vision, speech, or balance; or
pale skin, easy bruising or bleeding, weakness, fever, and urinating more or less than usual.

stomach pain;
runny or stuffy nose, cough, sore throat; or
mild headache or dizziness.

Azathioprine (or Imuran) is used to inhibit the immune response that causes rejection of kidney transplants. Azathioprine is also used for the treatment of severe, active rheumatoid arthritis. It is considered a "second-line," or "slow- acting" drug and is usually reserved for rheumatoid arthritis patients who do not respond to other first-line or second-line medications. Azathioprine can cause an increase in cancer risk when used long-term. This particular risk increases in patients with a prior history of treatment with other powerful immunosuppressants, such as Cytoxan, Leukeran, and Alkeran. It also increases the risk of serious infections. Azathioprine can impair fertility by reducing sperm counts in males. Because azathioprine's toxicity increases when taken with the gout medication allopurinol (Zyloprim), its dose is reduced with simultaneous use. Severely low white blood counts can occur when taken with other drugs that can affect the bone marrow or with ACE-inhibitor class drugs used to treat elevated blood pressure, such as Accupril and Vasotec. The safety and effectiveness for use in children has not been established. Azathioprine is transferred to the fetus and is avoided in pregnancy. The most common serious side effects of azathioprine involve the blood elements and gastrointestinal system. Azathioprine can cause serious lowering of the white blood cell count, resulting in an increased risk of infections. This can reverse when the dose is reduced or temporarily discontinued. Azathioprine can cause nausea, vomiting, and loss of appetite, which can resolve when the dose is reduced or divided through the day. Azathioprine can also cause liver toxicity (in less than 1% of rheumatoid arthritis patients). All patients taking azathioprine require regular blood testing for blood counts and liver function tests for monitoring. Other side effects encountered less frequently include fatigue, hair loss, joint pains, and diarrhea.

Zocor is a cholesterol-lowering medication that blocks the production of cholesterol (a type of fat) in the body. Zocor reduces low-density lipoprotein (LDL) cholesterol and total cholesterol in the blood. Lowering your cholesterol can help prevent heart disease and hardening of the arteries, conditions that can lead to heart attack, stroke, and vascular disease. In rare cases, Zocor can cause a condition that results in the breakdown of skeletal muscle tissue. This condition can lead to kidney failure. Call your doctor at once if you have unexplained muscle pain or tenderness, muscle weakness, fever or flu symptoms, and dark colored urine. This medication can cause birth defects in an unborn baby. Do not use if you are pregnant.

So if I don't take the Coumadin, i'll most likely die from some kind of blood clot. I have half a spleen, have had several mini strokes, 2 heart attacks and a clot can end up anywhere.
Tramadol is supposed to help with the pain, but all it does it mellow me out.
Plaquenil is suppressing my immune system so that the lupus stops attacking my organs and my joints. It's pretty unsuccessful, but I take it anyway. Apparently on a cellular level, it's working, even if I'm still in pain every day, showing signs of bad flares and sick. Funny how that works.
And here I am, 24 and childbearing age and not only because of the medication, but also my lupus, probably won't ever get the chance.

I try not to be bitter about a lot of things. Folks flake out because they can't handle seeing me this way (and in the past when it was worse, folks were even faster to leave) or being around something so "fragile" and feeling "so powerless."
How do they think it makes ME feel to be left alone with this?
Over the past 7 years, I've tried so many things to alleviate this god damn curse of a disease. Before with the Lupus and just my heart, I could deal. It was what it was and I did what I had to do. It's a muscle disease thats also attack my organs. My body is attacking itself, treating ME like the disease. Fine. But then I find out I've had this blood clotting things all along as well and it's a whole other ball of responsibilities, more medication, more monitoring, more risk.

It's been a couple years now that I've been taking the blood thinner. The doctor told me I have to be on it for the rest of my life. I might as well get my tubes tied in that case. Some folks say maybe things will change, maybe things will get better. But I've been experiencing these 7 years and seeing it change for the worse.

I smile. I work. I hang out with my friends. I live the joys of life. I do what I love to do. I experience things. I try to live my life as a good person and do good things and help people every day. I do the best I can. And still for some reason I am being punished with these illnesses and I don't know why. I try to figure out what I did. Of course I'm not perfect, but do I deserve this? Does anyone?
Right now I am in so much pain. My joints, my hip, my back, my legs. Why? And I'm not supposed to feel lonely with this. I'm left alone to deal and I'm not supposed to feel lonely? Either I'm treated like a damn fragile glass doll, completely discredited as if I'm making it all up, told that I'm not trying hard enough to get better OR left alone completely to figure it out on my own.

None of it is fair and none of it makes sense.
I keep thinking about going to a healer. Funny how I can heal others, but not myself. How I can sooth the sickness, touch the grief, bring the darkness out of anyone else and never for myself?

Maybe it's time to visit someone who can actually help me.

No matter how much information I try to show people, they'll never understand. And they never will. And they wonder why I just tell them to hell with it and keep alone. It's not worth it in the end. I'm all I have in the end. You just get use to it after a while and then you grow to only want to live that way.

Watch what you eat, get enough sleep, no drinking, don't mix the wrong drugs, get enough vit k, no sun, don't eat certain fruits, don't eat certain veggies, keep away from hard exercise, don't stay out late, don't get up too early, don't run, don't stand too long, no hot tub, no sauna, no beach, no children, no spouse, no friends, no life, no love, no nothing.

This time last year: Part 1

2008-08-16T01:20:00.002-04:00

This time last year, it had been 6 days since my brother had a motorcycle accident that left him with several skull fractures, bleeding in the brain, a broken wrist and temporary paralysis to the right side of his body. This time last year, I sat holding my breath, being the strong one for everyone while he slept, fighting for his life.

This time last year, I was having mini-strokes and didn't know it. Felt as if my world was going to fall apart because my little brother almost left us. Because I almost left them.
So much can happen in a year.

So fast the time goes, so fast our lives get closer and closer to its end.
So it goes that time slips through our hands, like grains of sand and dirt. Easily sliding through the creases of our skin, through the parted fingers of our hands.
Time, in fact, is of the essence, because time is what we are running out of.

Pompeii: The great fallen city Part 1

2008-08-15T00:54:00.003-04:00

Pompeii is a ruined and partially buried Roman city near modern Naples in the Italian region of Campania, in the territory of the comune of Pompei.
Along with Herculaneum, its sister city, Pompeii was destroyed, and completely buried, during a catastrophic eruption of the volcano Mount Vesuvius spanning two days on 24 August 79 AD.

The volcano collapsed higher roof-lines and buried Pompeii under many meters of ash and pumice, and it was lost for nearly 1700 years before its accidental rediscovery in 1748. Since then, its excavation has provided an extraordinarily detailed insight into the life of a city at the height of the Roman Empire.

The archaeological digs at the site extend to the street level of the 79 AD volcanic event; deeper digs in older parts of Pompeii and core samples of nearby drillings have exposed layers of jumbled sediment that suggest that the city had suffered from the volcano and other seismic events before then. Three sheets of sediment have been found on top of the lava bedrock that lies below the city and, mixed in with the sediment, archaeologists have found bits of animal bone, pottery shards and plants. Using carbon dating, the oldest layer has been dated to the 8th-6th centuries BC, about the time that the city was founded. The other two layers are separated from the other layers by well-developed soil layers or Roman pavement and were laid in the 4th century BC and 2nd century BC. The theory behind the layers of jumbled sediment is large landslides, perhaps triggered by extended rainfall.

The town was founded around the 7th-6th century BC by the Osci or Oscans, a people of central Italy, on what was an important crossroad between Cumae, Nola and Stabiae. It had already been used as a safe port by Greek and Phoenician sailors. According to Strabo, Pompeii was also captured by the Etruscans, and in fact recent excavations have shown the presence of Etruscan inscriptions and a 6th century necropolis. Pompeii was captured a first time by the Greek colony of Cumae, allied with Syracuse, between 525 and 474 BC.

In the 5th century BC, the Samnites conquered it (and all the other towns of Campania); the new rulers imposed their architecture and enlarged the town. After the Samnite Wars (4th century), Pompeii was forced to accept the status of socium of Rome, maintaining however linguistic and administrative autonomy. In the 4th century BC it was fortified. Pompeii remained faithful to Rome during the Second Punic War.

Pompeii took part in the war that the towns of Campania initiated against Rome, but in 89 BC it was besieged by Sulla. Although the troops of the Social League, headed by Lucius Cluentius, helped in resisting the Romans, in 80 BC Pompeii was forced to surrender after the conquest of Nola. It became a Roman colony with the name of Colonia Cornelia Veneria Pompeianorum. The town became an important passage for goods that arrived by sea and had to be sent toward Rome or Southern Italy along the nearby Appian Way. Agriculture, oil and wine production were also important.

It was fed with water by a spur from Aqua Augusta (Naples) built circa 20 BC by Agrippa, the main line supplying several other large towns, and finally the naval base at Misenum. The castellum in Pompeii is well preserved, and includes many interesting details of the distribution network and its controls.

As told by wikipedia and then some. When it's your time to go, it's your time.

Can Faith Heal?

2008-08-14T21:48:00.003-04:00

Can faith heal? Can love? Can community?

Just throwing the questions out there. Of course I have deeper thoughts, but at this point my wounds are too fresh (even after all this time) to dive in to the subject.

So think on it while I collect my thoughts on it.

Fear is a enemy you can't ignore because it's part of you...

2008-08-12T23:16:00.003-04:00

Accept it and it makes you stronger
Run from it, and, well....

Might as well be accepting of the things we are fearful of. Where are they going? Are they going to leave us? Are they not going to exist? Should we simply hate what we fear?

Hating what we fear, running from what we fear, not accepting it is a cop out.

Might as well just deal with it.

Fear is part of us all.

We just need to face.

So go out and face your fears. After all, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Love conquers all

2008-08-12T01:48:00.002-04:00

Does love drain us of our strength? Does love really exist? Or is it bread out of our own selfish need? Why do we wonder? Does he love me? Do I love her? Does it matter?

Interesting Drug

2008-08-11T17:40:00.002-04:00

I find it interesting how some people can gain your trust, your love, your loyalty, your commitment and then turn their back on you once you've been won over. Once you've been convinced. Once you've given in to their request to know what your insides feel like against their brain.

I'm realizing the hard way, the older I get, that it may not be worth it to allow that to happen. But is that fair to everyone else who comes into my life after such betrayal? They may be trustworthy. They may be good inside and not malicious or manipulative or so full of vanity. They might be. Then again, everyone seems perfect in the beginning. Too good to be true. And then they show you what's really inside. We all, everyone, has that. Just to different degrees and just shown in different ways. And just because someone isn't perfect, doesn't mean they have maliciousness inside either. That's what being human is.... imperfection.

I just feel once again like a stupid fool of a girl. Yet, I'm much older. A woman. Shouldn't be so foolish. So stupid. So believing. But love. Love will make you do these things. Love is, in the wrong hands, the root of all evil. If not for one person "loving" another, many issues wouldn't even exist.... Then again, those kinds of "love" aren't real love... aren't the actual meaning of love... Aren't what love is supposed to be.

SO Love isn't evil. It's many faces are. Its obsession, its lies, its greed, its jealousy.... those are the parts, those are the fake faces, the false prophets of love...

And those are what got me. Those and much more.... A pretty face, sweet words, got me....

And I fell for it. Stupid girl moves aren't supposed to be for grown women who should know better. Ha! Key word. Should! I guess we all can be foolish. All of us. And give in to something that feels good, but isn't necessarily good for us. Especially when we're hard to get. And that pretty face with the sweet words (which you would have NEVER in the past listened to) sounds so tempting and just one taste, one touch will never sate your appetite; never. And they'll let you keep coming back and back and back again. Until you've been conquered. Until you, the hard to get, has been gotten and there is no more left to get. And you are left defeated and used and alone.

I've learned my lesson. Best believe the stupid foolish girl has been washed away with tears of past. No more of that. Grown women know better. Yes, yes, we do.

P-town A.K.A. Palestine

2008-08-10T04:22:00.006-04:00

Okay, so I was going to go to sleep, but then I decided to check out the flights again for my trip in October. I leave October 2nd and come back October 28th.
Now all I have to do is figure out how to pay for most of my ticket. Hmmmm.
It's not an easy feat. It's over $1,000. Well, as long as folks are still contributing, it won't be over a thousand for me... it'll probably be closer to $700-$800... much better, but still a lot
But it's a must.

I must go now. It's calling me. It's been calling me for 24 YEARS. It's something I have to do. For my sanity. For my growth. For my blood and my heart and my dignity and my family. To ease the ache in my heart to see where my father comes from and learn all the things I didn't get to learn all this time. I must go. Hopefully enough people will send me contributions and it'll help with the difference. I've gotten some money already and it's been such a blessing. It made me cry every time I got a check and a note in the mail.

I talked to an ex about it the other day. Of course she was unsympathetic. Doesn't understand why I didn't just wait and save the money myself. Why I have to "beg" people for my trip. Why I'm not going back to school with that money.

She doesn't understand why it's important for me. And she doesn't understand why I asked my community to help me either. AND she doesn't understand why this is more important than going back to an institution that hasn't been understanding of my identity or the realities of my life and my world.

Of course I could have waited another 2, 3, 5 years until I may have had enough money. Maybe. And what, am I supposed to ignore the emergencies that happen. Ignore the need of my family here in NYC. Ignore my health needs. No. Things cost money. Things are always going to happen. And if I waited any longer and didn't ask for help... I know... I fucking know I wouldn't see Palestine for a very very long time.

It's easy for her (and many other well-offs) to say that when they don't struggle for money or food on the table. Its never been a problem for her because her family has it.

I don't have the luxury. There is no help for me that way. So I reached out to folks who I know would understand and support. And I got a response that brought tears of joy to my eyes.

I also have to work really hard at getting extra money for when I get back for rent and living and such since I won't be working in October while I'm there. Gotta get enough photo gigs, enough teaching gigs, enough something in the next 7 weeks to make up for October's lack of money.

I'll figure it out. I've always been resourceful in one way or another.

Whether it's massages and/or bartending, I'll make it. I'll survive.

Ok... third time's a charm.

Off to bed... er, uh... i'm already in bed... off to sleep :)... i go

Positive money making vibes coming my way......

See, what had happened was.....

2008-08-10T02:51:00.003-04:00

I didn't even really try to go to sleep. I mean, I took some stuff to help, BUT THEN I got caught up in editing pictures and searching the internet for some manifesting charts AND working on my website. Sooooo yeah.. it's almost 3am and I found another reason to stay up.

At least it wasn't facebook :)

In other news, today I went to a poetry reading and it felt goooood. It was liberating to get up and do some old pieces. I did I Remember Family Gatherings and Ancestry of Song. I got to see some folks that I haven't seen in years and I got to sing. I was really happy about it. I felt like this thing was built up inside of me and needed to get out and I let it get out in such a powerful way. I need to do that more often. I think that if I started going to poetry readings again, at least a few times a month, that not only would it help me release some pent up energy, BUT it would also unblock some of the things that are keeping me from writing constantly, like I use to. Even if it's a journal entry, it's something....

Then again, THIS is what that is, sort of. This has been my into into writing consistently and getting the juices flowing again, like they use to, several times a day, almost every day. It's the only way to get some of my longer writing projects done. It's especially needed if I'm actually going to get my book(s) published and get them out to the masses. It's gonna take dedication to my writing and in order to do that, I'm going to have to open up and in order to do THAT, this blocked-up-ness needs to be out of the way.

So more poetry readings all around. More blogging. And more writing.

Sunday writing circle anyone? I've been wanting to put one together for a very long time. Maybe it's time to just do it, huh?

Let's say every Sunday, 2-4:30pm, in Brooklyn Heights at Connecticut Muffin. Each week someone new facilitates and we all share, help, do writing activities, etc. I'll even facilitate the first few to get the ball rolling. Maybe 8-10 people. Maybe women of color. Maybe.
Sounds like a plan :)

Let's see if I can make it a reality...

Ok. I'm going to try to sleep for real now.

It's 3am. Do you know where your children are?

Watchmen Trailer (I'm such a comic geek...oh well...YAY!)

2008-08-10T01:39:00.001-04:00

Another Lupus awareness video

2008-08-10T01:21:00.000-04:00

Lupus Video... maybe this will explain some things to folks....who don't understand some of the things I've gone through and continue to go through

2008-08-10T00:45:00.000-04:00

Sleeplessness....and then some.

2008-08-10T00:18:00.000-04:00

I remember reading through my old blog and I nearly as contemplative out loud as I am now. It's refreshing. This is like my online journal I kept through my late teens. So very candid. So very honest.
I guess at this point what do I have to lose. Why be vague?
And why always be serious? Hmm.

Sleeplessness.
I thought (and talked) about the many reasons WHY I "can't" sleep these days. Is it thinking about Dave? Is it thinking about work? Is it thinking about health? Are my hormones out of wack? Am I lonely? Am I over-caffeinated? Am I too wound up?

Most likely all of the above and then some. Let's see if tonight will be different.
Let's see if I can get something over 5 hours of sleep.
It's a troublesome battle, this lack of rest. Because 10 years ago, I could stay up for 72 hours straight and not be too bothered by it until much later... now, it takes me an hour after I'm up to feel completely fatigued. Of course I wasn't fully afflicted by my lupus fatigue until after those early teenage sleepless nights, but still. It's getting to me. Like a twilight episode where something freaky in black and white is going to happen and send me into limbo where there's a spinning bullseye and a woman with a pig nose.

It's only a matter of time before I snap. So what? Get some calmz. Get some sex. Get some clarity on money. Get some natural healing. Start meditating again.

All of the above and then some, i guess.

Aint it always so.

All of the above and then some.

Yep...........yep.

Father's Day

2008-08-08T22:51:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my father would have turned 50.
Unfortunately he never got to live past 40.
A heart attack at 40. I guess it was befitting for me to have had 2 at 17 then, huh?

I think about my dad almost every day. There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't wonder what life would have been like these years, if my dad had lived.

In October, I get to visit my fathers family, my family, in Palestine. I'll see where he grew up, where he was born, where he became a man. His older sisters will tell me what I'll never know on my own.

In October, I may be able to fill the hole in my heart where the knowledge of that part of my family is. See my cousins. See my aunts and uncles. See this part of my heritage that feels so close, but so far.

He's alive. He's in my heart, in my thoughts, in my memories every day.

I miss you daddy. You're with me always.

Honesty and it's policy part 1

2008-08-06T13:06:00.001-04:00

We lie in little ways every single day. We lie to ourselves about little things. We lie to the people we love to spare their feelings or because we're not brave enough to tell the whole truth. We lie to the people we work with. We lie even in our body language.

Honesty. Is it really the best policy?

Or are we fooling ourselves. Can you honestly tell your boss to go fuck themselves when they've said something distasteful or mean? Can you really tell your gf that she looks fat to you? Can you tell your spouse that it's ok to cheat on them because you still love them?

I try to in everything I do to be honest, but sometimes the little white lie is easier to accept and deal with and say than the truth. It's a sad truth. That's messed up.

Telling the people that we love THAT we love them. Going out on a limb for a friend when you don't necessarily have to talk. Telling someone who has power over you when they are wrong.

In every day, in every way

2008-08-05T00:06:00.000-04:00

I hunger for their lips on mine. I simple caress of skin across skin. Of hands across legs. Of teeth and tongue across neck. I'm frustrated with the need and desire to be close, to stand near, to smell the sweat and scent deep under their clothes. I can't stand to look them in the eyes. I can't.

I am only so strong as my human need most of the time. And my need comes from more than the need of physical touch. It comes from love. Comes from deep desire to be with you. And only you. And you want to share yourself with everyone else because you're scared. You feel your running out of time. What the hell time do you need to be with others when you love me? Why be with others when you love me? Why share your so called limited time with others, when you can share it with me. Why?

I just need a bit of clarity in this sometimes. I need to know why you keep me around. Why you hug me, kiss me, touch me and then go back to talking to others as if I never meant anything to you. They probably don't even know I exist. But I know they exist. I know. I've always known.

And yet. And yet. Stupidly, I love you. Still. I want you. Still.

How sad that is for me. How sad. And how very lonely.

I suppose I should really work on moving on. Really, truly moving on. Because it's not me that you really want. Or anyone else. You want yourself. You want to waste your time looking for something that isn't going to happen. You're not going to change. So why keep my hopes up. You are not going to change. You are not. You will not.

So I might as well let you look by yourself and move on. Really, truly move on.

Because my heart can't take anymore. I can't take anymore. I won't.

And yet, I still wait for you to surprise me.

No matter how old I get, I still feel like a stupid stupid girl in this situation.

Great.

The Importance of being true

2008-08-04T12:19:00.000-04:00

Most of us, on a regular basis, force ourselves to do things that we don't really want to do. Most of us, on a regular basis, do things out of obligation, rather than out of a desire to do it. Paying your taxes, taking out the garbage, saying sorry, dealing with the boss, staying at a job that makes you unhappy but pays the bills.... those are things we have to do, are obligated to do, but don't necessarily want to do.

Why do we put up with it? Why do we torture ourselves? Why aren't we just true to ourselves and actually break free from doing the things we don't want to do? Of course there are things we don't want to do that we must. Like taking out the garbage. But why stay at a job that makes you miserable? If you were qualified enough to get a job at that place to begin with, aren't you qualified enough to get a job else where doing the same or similar OR even some kind of different work?

Why do we let these things have so much power over us? To the point of depression. To the point of anger. To the point of breaking. Why do we settle and let ourselves suffer through it?

What happened to the importance of being true to ourselves? To being honest with our wants, needs and desires? Why is it so much easier for some of us to do the things we don't want to do, rather than letting ourselves be happy and do what makes us happy?

So here is to doing what the hell makes me happy and not doing anything that makes me miserable. I've been on this path for months now. Giving up, little by little, many of the things that make me unhappy and mostly doing the things that bring me joy. I don't have time to waste. I don't have years and years and years to waste on unhappiness.

Then again, who does?

Do you?

To give.To Give. to give.

2008-08-03T18:47:00.000-04:00

Why do we ultimately give? Is it out of guilt? Is it out of necessity? Is it because we have no other choice? Is it because of the kindness in our heart?
Why do we give? At what cost do we give? When must we stop giving? When is it enough?

I think about this as I give to others. I do it mostly out of the kindness of my heart. Simply because I want to give and I can't stand to see others with out; can't stand to see others struggle when I have something to offer. In the same breath, I do it for some because I must, because I am obligated by blood and responsibility.

I've stopped giving until there is nothing left. I don't do that anymore. I use to though. I use to give until I was completely empty and without for myself and I'd continue to give... a serial helper is what I was called by my ex at the time. She said I'd help and help and help and leave myself raw and naked and without. She was right. I'm glad I've changed.

It's still a process though.

I am still guilty of giving to others and taking away from myself, but not to the degree of what it use to be. I still have for myself. I don't go without, I am not left in debt or hungry or without a penny to my name. I don't do that anymore. But I still give. I give without the need to receive. I still sometimes feel selfish or unworthy when I receive, even if I've earned it. The feeling sometimes creeps up on me like a shadow as the light shifts in a room. It silently moves through me and glides in shivering lines across my skin and into my heart. Slithering along inside my blood until it reaches my brain, trying to convince me, trying to coax me into truly believing.

I am human after all. Susceptible to doubt, to guilt, to feelings of unworthiness, to feelings of shame. I know that no matter how much good I do, how much I give, I am still human, still have darkness inside of me. Maybe sometimes this is why I still give. Because I know how dark I am inside and I must repent. Maybe. Maybe.

Or maybe I think I am bad inside because this is what I was lead to believe early on. Unworthy. Shameful. Bad. And so I must repent because there is more amount of prayer that will help my sins. Maybe.

I shouldn't feel guilty of my success. I shouldn't feel shame for receiving. I shouldn't feel unworthy of love or friendship. I shouldn't. Intellectually, I know I shouldn't. But I do. And I suppose it has something to do with my childhood.

Should I then continue to confront it in therapy and with those around me who I've slowly let in? Or should I accept the darkness inside and stay in solitude. Doing what I must to survive and going about my business. It's easy to give in to it. Easy to let the dark have me. It's much harder to fight. Much harder to trust. Much harder to let others in.
Then again, I've always been a willing sacrifice. I am there for those who need me. I am relentlessly loyal. I'm a fierce friend. I willingly give, without breaking a sweat, because it is what I do. I like to give and I'd willingly sacrifice myself for others... I guess to a point at this stage in my life.

I don't know. Stream of thought and consciousness. I feel sometimes as if I have all the time in the world. To ponder like Plato, to question like Descartes, to dream and write like Octavia Butler. All the time I need. At the same time, in the same breath, I can hear the clock tick. A melodic tap of a finger across the wood of time, reminding me that every second counts and that I just lost several thinking instead of doing. But what I am to do? I have no time to even consider more, let alone to act. I keep thinking is the time near? Is the time now? Is the end almost upon me? Or the rest of the world? Or am I listening to the wrong clock?

What am I to do? I've felt for the past almost 7 or 8 years that I've been on borrowed time. As if I was supposed to die in that hospital bed in September 2001 and that my recovering was some kind of accident. That them finding out what was wrong with me was some kind of fluke. Or that that isn't it at all and I'm still ill because of something else. I don't know what goes through my mind sometimes. Maybe it's because of my biology. My DNA is predestined to wonder and ponder and question and ask and suffer and..... and what? And create and love and be.

I suppose it is, huh?

To give. To Give. to give.

Is it a bad thing to be running on the Instinct of Self Preservation?

2008-08-02T19:13:00.000-04:00

Is it a bad thing to be running on the instinct of self preservation?
Is it?

What is more important than to survive? We need things (humans at least) to survive, to be alive. As babies and children, we need touch, need love, need nourishment, need protection, need compassion. That assists in our beginnings of survival. Our instincts of what is bad and good on the very basic level are still building up, still assessing what it means to be in this new body, in this new world, with these people who we are completely and utterly reliant on.

As we get older, we need reassurance, we need affection, we still need love and compassion, we need to be able to trust. Those are necessarily needed to survive on the BASIC level, but it's needed to survive for our sanity's sake. If you love no one, trust no one, are assured and receive no affection from anyone, what kind of monster will you become?

It still brings me back to the question of, is it a bad thing to be running on the instinct of self preservation?

Self defense of any kind is a natural reaction. If something is coming towards your face, you hold you hands up to block it. It some liquid splashes towards your eyes, you close them. If something brings you pain, you pull away, you struggle. Against the tied, against the pull, against the current... we struggle to stay alive.

At what cost will you survive? What would you do to stay alive? To preserve your own existence?

....like the weeping willow...

2008-07-31T23:05:00.000-04:00

"Blessed is the one who sits in the hands of Aman-Ra...."

Blessed. Yes, blessed.

I walk, keeping my head as high as I can, even if inside my soul, my head is low, like the willow weeping for her lost children, her lost lover. I try not to. I try to be up, be happy. Be. And I get tugged down by certain realities.

And yet. Yet, I find joy, find comfort, find strength in the universe, in my spiritual connection to the earth. It grounds me. Sooths me. Brings me back to center, back to focus. I strive, struggle (not in spite, but because its worth it) to always come back to that center. Helps me stay sober. Helps me stay on point. Helps me be a better person, daughter, sister, lover, friend, me.

But these days it's hard to get to center. I fell of track a little bit. I need to get back. Get back to a blessed positioning.

In the book of Husia, to be connected to Aman-Ra is to be positioned and ready with mind, body, spirit to be blessed. I need to get back in the position to give and receive blessed energy. Divine harmony inside and out.

The woman is the spiritual and the essence that gives birth to the physical. And the man is the manifestation of that spirit and that essence in physical action. Women emanate spiritually what isn't being physically manifested by a man. And when there is a woman who flows better with the physical and a man who is flowing more with essence and spirit, we find our connections, our soul mates. Just as females connect with one another. And males connect with one another. Our soul mates depend on the balance inside of essence, spirit and physical manifestation. According to kemetic teachings.

I found someone who does I feel flows with my spirit and my essence. I wonder if it'll work out later on.

I'm finding my way back to center. Finding my way back to focus. Finding my way back to earth. To universe. To the peaceful position of self and enlightenment.

I need to open my heart back up. Open my heart and my spirit so that I can hear the universe again. So that I can write again. So that I can feel again. Get passed addiction again. Dig deep again. Meditate from the inside out. Address the creator from the inside out. Yes, I will. Yes, I can. I will open my heart, my spirit, my soul, my essence and let the universe back in. Yes. Yes.

Each day I will do my best to greet the morning and greet the night. To meditate and pray and give thanks to all the good things in my life. To be honest with myself and with the universe about my needs. To let my light shine from the inside out for myself and those around me.

It's a process. A struggle yes, but I will truly be active. I can only go up from here.
Hm. You can't grow in the dark, can you? You need light, from the universe, from the creator, from within to show you your way. It is you, though, that shows yourself the way. You need to let the light shine in to your darkness. Yes, let the light shine in and there will be no more darkness. Mirroring the light of the universe. Mirroring the light of the universe. After all, God is change. And the change from dark to light helps bring back growth, life, joy, love.

Creation is Music is sound is melodic is life.

2008-07-30T19:40:00.000-04:00

Based on a conversation I had recently.

There's always been music though. Always. It's part of the primal force inside of us. Even the beats of our hearts, the sound our blood makes rushing through our bodies, the bending of joints.

The base in their voices, the wind chime-like sound of their laughter or the pitch... the vibration.. it's there when folks talk.. just have to listen for it...

It's all music

To live and to love living

2008-07-30T14:53:00.000-04:00

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainty that just to be alive is a grand thing." - Agatha Christie

Living. Its one of those guaranteed things, like Birth and Death, that is going to happen no matter what. How you choose to live. That is the hard part. The unpredictable part. The part that isn't always guaranteed to work itself out. Simply because you have to work with it. Through other people's bullshit, through other circumstances that can't be explained. Through biology. Through chemical imbalance. Through desire. Through passion. Through self destruction.

Yes, it's hard. Birth, Living, and Death. Those are all that is guaranteed.

And like Agatha Christie, I like living. And I have been down to the bottom of the gutters and back in my quest of trying to live. It's all I can do, right? Well, there is more I can do. I can make sure that whatever active choices I make in life are coming from a positive place. Coming from a place that isn't about self destruction. Is about hurting myself or others. A place that comes from love.

Yes, lets hope that I can make it less hard by doing that. And let's hope I can get there on a metro card and a dream.

For all those who are Struggling with Something

2008-06-20T17:51:00.000-04:00

Written June 10th 2008

The older I get and the harder various struggles get in life, I realize more and more just how necessary and important community, family and unity are. We can't do it all alone. We just can't. I know I can't.
As strong and triumphant and hard as many of us who struggle seem on the outside, going about the day to day, it's when we're at that peak of struggle that we need a hand to reach out to.

How many of us, after a hard ass day of being the rock, being the strong one, going through the motions, have come home and cried alone? Or sucked it up and internalized it into self destruction? Or worse, took it out on someone we love who we didn't trust enough at the time to let in to give us the comfort we needed at our most vulnerable moment.

It's time for us to truly be strong. And that doesn't mean being solitary. The saying that there is strength in numbers isn't a myth. Finding in community that solace and peace is important. Yes, we need that in ourselves as individuals as well, but having support through the process if finding self is so valuable.

So this is me, being strong and brave and independent and saying I struggle and need the support of community.

I've been struggling with my Lupus and trying not to fold into myself because of the pain or the stark reality of what its doing to my body. I put on a front that everything is ok when it's not. I smile through the pain. I joke through the seriousness of what my doctors tell me. It gets harder and harder for me to go to appointments alone and hear that I have to hear. And sometimes I just want someone to hold me and let me cry in their arms. I don't necessarily need a solution or for my problem solved. Just the comfort of knowing I'm not alone through it all.

I struggle with my sexuality and feeling continuously judged by the various communities I'm part of. I feel like I'm judged for having loved a man, even though I'm part of the lgbt community and don't consider myself bi and feel more pansexual. I feel lost in what I want and need and knowing that I can love who ever the hell I want, knowing that I am who I am. I'm feminine, but that doesn't take away my desire for other women. And that doesn't take away from the fact that there is a man who I love dearly and if we were still together, I would have stayed with him. That doesn't change who I am. In fact, it makes my sexual orientation stronger, because I define how I feel and who I feel it for, because, I am just feeling. Woman, man, does it matter as long as I'm loved and love another? I'm still me. There are those who have supported no matter what, but why not more.

I struggle with depression and how very far and deep it can and has taken me. Knowing that some of my best art, my best writing, my best performances have come when I let myself fall so deeply and completely into that dark place. But sometimes it's hard to come back up. Hard to remember to breathe, to live, to smile, to be. I get sucked into sickness and thought and bills and working and struggling so much that I forget about the beauty in the world. Sometimes I need help to remember. Need a hand to pull me up before I drown. I struggle with the DNA I have that is so close to that dark, tortured self and need for you to tell me it will truly be okay sometimes. I am, for so many, the rock, the strength, that reassurance. I need a rock now to support my journey back to the light every now and again.

I struggle with my identity. Never black enough. Never Palestinian enough. Too light. Too dark. Hair too soft. Hips too wide. Nose too small. Lips not full enough. Eyes to light. Too confusing looking. Where is the love of just being a woman of color, who just wants love from my various communities. I'll never pass for white. But I need to be sometimes. Sometimes I feel so alienated. So disconnected to the identities I claim. Other times I wear my pride so brightly on my sleeve that it's even painful for those who are "purely" from that community. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe not hard enough. I can only be who I am. And this is who I am. Black Mother. Palestinian Father. Born and raised in NYC and lived everywhere else in between since then. Broken Arabic/English tongue. Hummus and Fried Chicken. Christmas and Eid. Easter and Ramadan. Mosque and Church. Thats who I am. And I need for there to be community that acknowledges and accepts that.

I struggle with myself. Stubborn and proud. Hard-headed and strong. Vulnerable and weak. Energetic and beautiful. Triumphant and timid. Shy and bold. A force to be reckoned with unless crippled by some unknown thing to silence my tongue. A child of an alcoholic who struggles with being an enabler and tries to not be an addict as well. A woman struggling to raise siblings who prefer me to our mother. And I sometimes want to never answer my phone again and hide from the world. I've been trying to save everyone for such a long time, I've forgotten so much of my self. And now what. Am I damaged goods? Am I too broken to help? Am I being too dramatic? Has the struggle caught up to me? Or has it really only begun and what I thought was struggle these 24 years just the warm up. Can it be harder than this? I don't know if I can handle harder than this. Not alone.

Loved ones, I struggle. With alot more than I can write right now.
Just needed to get some things off my chest.